“Jesus looked up in the tree and said, ‘Zacchaeus, you come down . . . and I’ll give you a Snicker bar.'”
-ME: circa 1976
Mary Musgrave loved that story.
Not the Zacchaeus one, the one about me rewriting the Bible so it made more sense. I can’t count how many times she retold it, laughing, and nearly in tears.
Mary (pictured above), was my Sunday School teacher, my great friend’s mom, my mom’s best friend, one of the most consistent encouragers in my life and one of the finest examples I have ever seen of how to love people regardless.
Mary died this year . . . on the wrong side of the planet.
In the city and with the people she loved . . . but nowhere near me. Wrong side.
I love living abroad . . . but this part is stupid.
Incessant “goodbyes” are, hands down, the worst part of a global life but it’s a whole new level when you find out that your last goodbye was your last goodbye.
If you’re an expat you know what I mean.
If you’re new to this, or just thinking about it, you should brace for that.
If you love someone who is on the wrong side of the planet — here are some things you should know.
ONE: IT WILL BE AN EXPAT WHO FINALLY INVENTS COST-EFFECTIVE TELEPORTATION
Star Trek made it look so easy — but expats are motivated. We’ll figure it out. Give us a minute.
TWO: EXPAT GUILT IS A REAL THING
There is nothing like the shame dump of being on the wrong side of the globe at critical moments. Missing your nieces and nephews growing up. Parents getting older. Birthdays. Weddings. Big games. Hard things.
And especially last goodbyes.
Feels like you should have been there?
You are SO SO not alone.
THREE: YOU SHOULD PRE-PROCESS REALLY HARD THINGS
Who would you fly home for?
If they died. If they were about to die. If they were sick or hurt or got arrested or just needed you.
Ouch. Right?
Try this one.
Who would you NOT fly home for?
Seriously?
Jerk.
It can feel like playing lifeboat but it’s an important reality for an expat to process. Thinking about the hard stuff before the hard stuff happens will give you the space you need to apply unruffled wisdom when the time comes.
And.
(lean in, I’m about to tell you something)
Flying home does NOT equal love.
It’s not the only way. It doesn’t mean you don’t if you don’t . . . and sometimes . . . you just can’t.
Sometimes you shouldn’t.
You’re not a bad person (at least not because of that).
FOUR: YOU SHOULD BUDGET ACCORDINGLY
Want to pile an extra load of anxiety on top of the pain of sudden loss?
Add bad financial decisions to a terrible day.
Plan for the unplanned.
FIVE: YOU’RE NOT NORMAL SO YOU SHOULDN’T SETTLE FOR NORMAL MOMENTS
If you’re living on the wrong side of the planet you’ve given something up.
Moments. Lots of them.
The normal people get VOLUME MOMENTS. Regular, everyday moments. Moments in bulk. Simple moments but tons of them.
You don’t have that right now — so crank up the volume on the ones you get.
INTERNALLY and EXTERNALLY.
Internally – PAY ATTENTION to the value of you’re existing relationships. Stop for a minute. Soak them up. Take them in.
They’re really good.
Externally – MAKE IT REAL. Put it out there. Say it . . . until they know it. Don’t assume that they know it even if they should — people are dense.
Say it now.
Before your last goodbye.
WOW!!
For real. This is a depressing blog post huh?
Here’s why it’s fresh for me right now.
A year ago I took a selfie with Mary and hugged her goodbye.
It was our last.
A few weeks ago we stopped in to see Bill (her husband) . . . Snapped a selfie and hugged him goodbye.
That was our last.
I knew it would be.
What I didn’t know was that just an hour before I said my last goodbye to Bill . . .
I also said my last goodbye to my father.
So my point is this . . .
STOP TAKING SELFIES!!
Sorry . . . Just trying to break the tension.
My point is wherever you are on the planet — enjoy every moment you’ve got with your people (here and there) — get intentional about bridging the gaps — and when you hug them goodbye, hold it for just a little bit longer.
Living on the wrong side of the planet? Missing someone who is? Wrestling with loss and distance?
Pass this on.
One blessing is that your goodbyes in this case are almost guaranteed to be intentional and special, which is something even locals don’t always get.
My husband and I are facing some soon, or not so soon, wrong side of the planet events. Don’t know when they will occur….. Sometimes being on the wrong side of the planet really, really hurts. It aches in places you didn’t realize were there.
Thanks for all the good advice!