I hate June.
There is a reason for that.
Where I live people come and go . . . a lot. That’s the part that they don’t put in the brochure when you move abroad . . .
“Adventure of a lifetime — Explore exotic lands! Learn new languages! Say goodbye to 20% of your friends every summer and random others throughout the year!”
Sign here.
It is a big painful part of the expat experience though. Transition that is. Not the expected ones like “culture shock”, bumbling language mistakes and system conversions. We saw those coming from a mile away (1.60934 kilometers). We read books and blogs about those. Some of us even went to seminars and conferences about how to “transition well”. There is no small bit of attention paid to the beginning phases of life as a foreigner. There is also a growing bit of attention surrounding the ending phases — leaving well, saying goodbye, repatriating, reverse culture shock and so on.
Not knocking that since . . . you know . . . I wouldn’t have a job without it.
BUT . . .
Here’s the kicker: As long as you live abroad — TRANSITION NEVER STOPS.
Ever.
The big ones on either end are significant to be sure but it’s the little ones in the middle that will get you. The incessant ones. The ongoing ones. The cyclical shifts and annual flip flops that never stop and that you never saw coming. There are many, but by far, the most daunting (at least where I live) is the revolving, evolving community of people.
We are Stayers, Goers and Newbies figuring out life things together. The Stayers don’t stay forever. The Goers don’t go immediately. The Newbies need some time to adjust.
If coming and going only impacted June I think it would be manageable. If it was just a matter of saying the inevitable goodbyes, we could wrap our heads around it and brace for the annual Expat Exodus.
If it looked like this it would still be hard but doable . . .
But it doesn’t.
It actually looks more like this . . .
So it makes sense really.
That I’m thinking about June in November.
Now is the time when people (my friends) are making decisions. Stay or Go? Another contract or move on?
The announcements have already started to trickle in and there will be more and more in the next few months. I have now been a Stayer, a Goer and a Newby all more than once. I have done them all fairly well and all pretty pathetically. Here are a few things I’m learning in the process.
Everyone is at risk.
Stayers are at risk
When Stayers stop engaging Newbies (because saying goodbye to Goers is too painful) the clock starts ticking. It is a matter of time before the community will grow up behind them and they will be the ones trying to break in . . . or going. Continued connection is key.
Goers are at risk
Mental and emotional shifts begin long before the physical ones. Once announcements are made the community changes even though no one has flown away yet. Stayers and Newbies start figuring out what life looks like without the Goer and adjust accordingly. Goers check out. The chemistry of those two things can make for some explosive reactions. Intentionality is key.
Newbies are at risk
Newbies lend fresh eyes and fabulous new ideas to stagnant and stressed environments — often before they have developed the relational capital to be heard.
“HEY GUYS . . . You’re a sorry mess!! Where I come from this is how we did it and that would fix every last one of you and all of your problems!! How bout’ we try it?!?!”
“I’m Bob by the way.”
In short, Newbies may see what’s wrong before anyone is ready to listen. Stayers get annoyed. Goers continue checking out and chuckle because it’s not their problem. Patience is key.
Everyone has something unique to give.
Stayers give stability
Stayers have less of an unhealthy attachment to their suitcases than either Goers (who are packing) or Newbies (who are un). Stayers, although always in transition, have the solidity of NOT changing everything. No global trekking. No new job. No figuring out where to buy cucumbers. They may not feel stable but in this scenario they are privileged with a lesser instability. If you’re a Stayer consider watching the Goer’s children while they pack or showing the Newbies where the cucumbers are.
Goers give understanding
For Goers, going is the most consuming thing in their lives. Fair enough. It’s a big deal. For Stayers, the going of the Goers may be a big deal, but is not generally all consuming. Goers who have expectations (active or passive) that Stayers will drop everything to be consumed by their six month departure are failing to see the broader picture. There are ALWAYS Goers. Understanding that will actually help Goers AND Stayers plan focused, intentional quality farewell time.
Newbies give humility
It can be really frustrating to step into a community of Stayers who just lost their best Goers. That frustration only grows when you can clearly see problems and the Stayers are still figuring you out. Starting as a learner is genuinely the deciding factor between those who do this well and those who do not. Listen first. Learn. Ask a billion questions. Not because you don’t know anything but because you don’t know everything. Give the Stayers the respect they’ve earned from staying and the space to adjust to another round of new. Soon you’ll be on the other side.
Selfishness doesn’t work.
Selfish Stayers protect themselves from the Goers and commit to not getting hurt by Newbies (consequently hurting the Newbies).
Selfish Goers check out on the Stayers and leave a mess for the Newbies.
Selfish Newbies learn nothing from the Stayers and don’t recognize they’ve stepped into a Goer shaped hole.
It’s hard because it’s good.
It’s hard to be a Stayer when everyone around you is coming and going. The only way to make it easier is to stop connecting with people. Stop going deep. Stop making friends. Then the coming and going is not so hard . . . and the Staying is not so good.
It’s hard to be a Goer. Period. But having a global network of deep, deep friendships . . . that’s pretty cool. The process of going can be stressful but it is also your chance to firm up relationships that won’t be broken by distance or time.
It’s hard to be a Newby but trust me . . . this is truly the opportunity of a lifetime. Stayers may be standoffish at first — that’s because it’s good. They may have just let go of their Goers.
Are you a Stayer, a Goer or a Newby?
What does your never ending transition look like?
What have you learned along the way?
This is great stuff and I think it is applicable beyond expats. It seems to me the same thing often happens within local church communities. It isn’t nearly as constant, but the same principles apply, especially when it comes to the stayers and the newbys. This definitely got me thinking and I always appreciate that.
Thanks Ron — So true.
I see this more and more in our churches as you suggested.
This is a great article -sums up so well the experiences that so many face. Certainly true for many ex-pats we have journeyed with during 9.5 years of my being a church pastor in an international church within a university city and with people working for all kinds of international companies. Plus very relevant for us as a family living in a different country too. This said we are glad as a couple to be this life season with all its richness as well as challenges.
Another group to not be forgotten in the mix are the locals (in our case Dutch) who also seek to connect in with ex-pats. They were already here of course but also have the challenge of being stayers very often and have heartache at times of having made friends with others from other nations, who then move on. Sure there is Skype and the like but it is not quite the same as face to face!
Will sign off, we are going to a social event full of parents made up of stayers,goers and newbies connected with our son’s school…..
Ive thought about that too after moving back to our passport country after over 15 yrs abroad. Thanks.
Ron;
I started my “expat life” in Cuenca, but discovered that it was too cold and rainy for me. So I moved to Sangolqui, outside
of Quito & LOVE IT ! The weather is much warmer than in Cuenca & the proximity to Quito provides great “mall shopping” and fabulous dining. This place works very well for me. It all just depends, really…in “who you are” and “what you want”. I like it here very much. There’s a lot of youthful presence here…which I like. Safety…oh yes… safer than Atlanta & most large
U.S. cities. Life is good !
Thoughtful, perceptive, well written article…thank you!
I’m a stayer. The constant transitions are tough! Glad for other “stayers” as few as they are.
A very entertaining read, written to be read by another bonafide culture vulture. Some new perspectives here! The expat genre (if there is one– anyway the books, sites, blogs etc) is chock fulla hash/re-hash woe-is-me-I am-a triangle drivel. Certainly sharing, thank you.
Last year we were goers…this year we’re newbies. The irony is that we’ve been ‘stayers’ in this particular country for 13 years. But we’ve transitioned into new jobs…a new city…so we’re back to being newbies.
Very insightful post. I shared it on Facebook and quite a few of my friends read it and passed it along.
Rachel – Feel your pain. We were Goers two years ago (which made us Newbies somewhere else) and then Goers again this year (which made us Newbies here — in the same place that we have been Newbies before – and Stayers – and Goers). Thanks for sharing.
Been each of these in multiple cultural transitions over three decades (both oriental and occidental). … Jerry. You are right. Selfishness is the main ingredient in our destruction at any stage of the journey. Any place where ‘self’ is trumping all the other cards, we are in trouble. Maintaining our conscious contact with G_d and others is the key. Life is always going to unfold in better ways when it is not ‘all about me’ … There is a Forever Home for those of us looking forward to it. The rest is just a real (but manageable) buzz – when I live in the reality that life is about Him and others first.
Well said Makala.
Excellent resource for me and my kids and our friends to understand the ups and downs that are magnified in a transient community
Great article! I appreciated the assessment of the three roles and specifically how to do well (and what to avoid) in each role. The cycle of Stayers, Goers and Newbies is present in all of my circles where I live, but it appears to be a much more turbulent cycle in the “international school” community than in my organization’s community. My organization’s cycle moves more like a lazy river whereas the international school cycle seems to spin more like a whirlpool. I think the faster cycles are naturally harder, but the article points out some key truths no matter what your role or how fast the current is: selfishness destroys and prevents relationship, and it never benefits you over time. So, as stayers (that’s the way I think of us) we’ve got to keep connecting relationally even when it’s hard.
Great analogies Christopher. It would be interesting to set the whirlpool communities and the lazy river communities side by side and compare the challenges along with the advantages. I would think that the farewells in a slower cycle would be tougher and cause more of a ripple throughout the community. Fun to consider. Thanks for commenting.
hard life being an expat, not; oh cry me a river, what about the ones who do all the hard graft (non-white labourers, maids, nurses etc) who you don’t consider expats? Make local friends & put your kids in local schools and no excuses about the locals not letting you in. I’ve been on the move for 26 years & have not & will not ever consider myself an expat. Home is where I live, not where I used to live.
That is how the life has panned out for you. Don’t broadcast your experience and expectations (which frankly are flat out dangerous in some places where we work) on people who are attempted to do the same as you: love their neighbors as themselves. Have a little grace.
Apologies for the generalisation but the expats I’m referring to know who they are. Fair play to those of you working in places where to do as I’ve suggested would be dangerous & to those doing dangerous work e.g. the ones building Dubai; we’re all global for our own personal reasons, the main one being economic. If only we would ALL love our neighbours as ourselves.
I don’t know what you’re on about Mz World. Get real. I live in the most dangerous, underdeveloped city in the world. Makes Dubai look like a f***ing cakewalk. I do everything for me, I buy my own groceries, I don’t abuse the local labour pool. I’m like Jesus Christ come back I’m so nice.
There are dangerous jobs everywhere. Even in Winnipeg. And most immigrants do those ones. Grow up. The most important thing is getting my favorite brand yogurt for god’s sakes. Sheesh.
So true… very interesting article 🙂
The first Sunday I (Newby) was in my new African home, the international pastor (Goer) announced his upcoming departure. My friend (Stayer) whispered to me: “Quick! Tell him you want to buy his furniture before someone else gets it!” Expat life.
Peggy — Ha. We’ve been on both ends of “AWWW you’re leaving? So sad. What are you gonna’ do with your toaster?” Part of it I guess. Thanks for commenting.
This cracked me up! So very true!
Gave me a good chuckle!
Best infographic ever, can I steal it for my Facebook cover? That way when my family asks me why I don’t call more often, I’m going to refer them to the info graphic. Very very good stuff. We are goers, who quite possibly will be bouncing back and forth across the pond to DC every two years for the rest of eternity or until we run out of gas.
Misti — you can buy this infographic at my online store . . . THAT’S A JOKE. Of course you can use it. Thanks for reading.
So fantastic! Just shared on A Life Overseas and the accuracy is almost painful!
Also – what are your parameters around sharing the infographic? Would love to share!
Marilyn — It’s yours. Share at will. I still owe you a connection too (haven’t forgotten – just got swept away by another round of transition). Thanks for sharing. I love what you do.
Oh my gosh – no – I love what you do! Not to get into a one upmanship on admiration or anything 🙂
Thank you for this incredibly insightful article that describes our life overseas to a “T” It helps so much to be able to understand it in this way.
You are a gem!
Thanks donnajeanne. Too kind.
Donnajeanne, this article is poignant, both in its depth and it’s simplicity! Jerry, thanks for giving us a tool to help others gain insight and perspective. -Paul in Member Care
Great info and spot on! My daughter is in Uganda and it’s been a real struggle for her to feel like she’s part of the community. Love the graph!!
You missed one. The Dreamers. They are the people who went back home to be with family and are dreaming of the next place.
Well said Bart. And so true.
Yes….we returned home to the Pacific NW due to my aging father…we miss our Panamanian friends so deeply, and the warmth of both climate and culture. My husband is dreaming, but I am living a dream of being within an hour of all 15 of the grandchildren. And isn’t that another issue? When you are doing what you know you should but it is not what one of you wants?
Those graphics are gold 🙂
Oh, this is so very, very right.
I’m a long-time stayer, working on being a goer (and therefore a soon-to-be newbie), and I need all of these reminders. Thanks!
We are Stayers, 7 years and counting, and I would never not get to know the newbies because one day they might leave. Sure they leave, but they give us another place to visit, and our kids a safe harbour in a round the world backpacking trip.
Love this Alison.
Two and a half years ago we were newbies, again, in a place I really did not want to be.
We have now transitioned through being stayers onto being goers, again! I will leave behind the best group of friends I have ever made and the place I only reluctantly moved to somehow became our most successful posting.
Keeping an open mind and staying in the loop, throughout the cycle, is so very important.
In December I will be a newbie, yet again….. Part of me is absolutely dreading another move, but the biggest part of me can’t wait for the new adventures ahead.
I hope to not end as a dreamer, I hope to one day repatriate with a suitcase full of the most amazing memories from our life as newbies, stayers and goers.
Wisdom. Thanks for sharing Mette.
Exquisite article. Heartfelt and compassionate. Bravo.
We had this discussion yesterday!! I’ve been the newbie and the stayer … Of 18 yrs so I’ve had lots of newbies and goers through my life. It’s dangerous to not welcome the newbies and is vital to keep putting yourself out there to get to know them … You could end up very lonely as in any one year your social circle can be decimated by goers leaving! I do find the constant farewells painful but in reality I am so extremely grateful that I have had the opportunity to meet these amazing people that I would never have met was I not part of this cycle. And sometimes we even get to welcome back previous goers!
When I was reading this, I was thinking of a sister who is a world mover. She is all of those people on a three-year period. Then it dawned on me that I was the selfish one. I live in nice size city USA. Close to a military base. In a 10 year old subdivision. When we moved in everyone was newbies and everyone was socializing. We made great friends. And most of them became the goers. I have not tried to be a great stayer. I see this happening all a cross this great country. And it is time for me to change. I want and need more friends. Any great ideas to welcome all the newbies into the neighborhood/country.
Nailed it. I’ve been a newbie, stayer and goer for the past 20 freaking years and it NEVER gets easier. Never. Love it. Sharing far and wide. Thank you. I feel normal all of a sudden!
Not good with comments, but this is my view, the way I prefer writing it:
The Expatriate
Sometimes friendship is fleeting
like the brief morning tide,
Bringing fresh cool air to breathe its aroma
like the coffee cup in my hand
Other times it is longer, standing the test of time
I know you better, you know me too.
Releasing soft bouquet of rested fine wine
Leisurely we sip, to pass the time.
Life in transit, it is our way
Not chosen perhaps, the bags are never put away
It is like the flower, yesterday, today and tomorrow
and then it fades away
Some we remember, some we don’t
Hard it is sometimes, to live this way,
To experience the fleetingness of our life’s
dress rehearsals that don’t seem to go away
This one will stand; will survive the vinegar
The final journey even of good wine
Will bring a smile, a flash of memory
definitions of a point in time, golden like honey
I see the desert sand
and the desolate landscape surround
and yet, this is the place
Where friendship came to be, to grow in stature
to become part of me
Now the time has come, the calling card arrived
it could have been the other way around
We do not need to celebrate this part
it is our way of life, and it is because of this
We celebrated it each day
the furniture is not ours
only belongs for a time
visitors we are, always
You go with the moments, with who we all are
with the joys and sadness we shared
They stand above the dirty streets of Cairo
the polluted skies
faint memories of our shadows still hide
Well spoken Gerhard.
Loved your poem and knew you were talking about Cairo from having lived there for six and half years. Thanks!
Some of those friendships indeed continue to remain and be so sweet. The goodbyes are such a part of serving overseas and there will be no goodbyes in heaven, thankfully!
I love this. I can relate to this on so many levels! This year I`m a stayer and had to say goodbye and get over the leaving of so many leavers… Love the diagrams!
You pretty much nailed it! I’ve been all of these at various times over the last 8 years, including a repatriation. Now I’m a “boomerang”, and I’m not actually unique! Boomerangs are those of us that have returned to our previous expat assignments in the exact same location 3-5 years after the original assignment. Boomerangs are so different because we are blessed with the knowledge of a stayer, but have the connections of a newbie and know what it feels like to be a goer. It is hard to fit in as a boomerangs at first, harder than a newbie. Eventually you find the best of both worlds by being involved in both the expat community and the host country community. Anyway, I really enjoyed your article! Thanks!
I’ve been in this exact boat lately: It’s hard to be a Stayer when everyone around you is coming and going. The only way to make it easier is to stop connecting with people. Stop going deep. Stop making friends. Then the coming and going is not so hard . . . and the Staying is not so good..
After living in Chiang Mai for years — and all of the comings, goings, etc. — relocating to Madrid I thought would give me a bit more stability. But, I’ve found myself not wanting to go out and meet people or invest because everything seems to incredibly temporary. Thanks for writing this. At least I know I’m not alone!
Leaving CM was one of the hardest transitions I ever made.
Hi! Also in the same boat and in Madrid (six years now) Tough being a stayer sometimes…If you’d like to meet up and swap stories, send me a message!
omg, I feel this is the way I am right now… I used to be a bubbly party starter, middle of the group kind of person and now I find myself stuck in my house watching netflix and barely going out for groceries!!! I’ve even cut off ties with the people I care for most- basically turned off whatsapp, instagram,twitter and most of fb, which has created more (friends) troubles for me since now they’ve taken it personally and cut me off the groups. I don’t know how much this will last since I seem to be a stayer now.
I think you need more relaxed attitude for maki g friends doesn’t matter if they are not on your doorstep
Be wary of too much pigeon-holing.
Excellent article. We have been Goers and Newbies a lot, and envious of the Stayers at times. At this moment we are the Stayers surrounded by a lot of Goers. We are experiencing the transition stress from a new perspective.
I was a Stayer in Buenos Aires for a long time and I think you nailed it. The big waves of leaving friends was bad, but it never ends! When I did leave, it was hard. Now I’m an expat again, in Puerto Rico and I have to admit that after a year, I’m still a newbie. I haven’t connected, because I expected it to be like Argentina in how relatively easy it was to make friends, but it hasn’t been. I just renewed my lease for another year though…
My favorite is the actual chart! Perfectly said…thank you! And it is how I am feeling this November- in limbo. :/
This was excellent! It’s always great to read insightful posts about our life that really get it. This year we are struggling with being stayers when 80% of the people we know are turning into goers. We’re not really sure what to do, but we definitely keep thinking of going, but know we should really stay. How does one keep as a stayer when everyone they know is being a goer? The struggle is real.
I had goose bumps reading from beginning to end reading this post. Thank you so much for putting the experience not only into words but into a flowchart….brilliant! Regards from a stayer in Paris.
Great post, but I realize there is a fourth category in my life: Keepers–the people who leave but who become lifelong friends. We just returned from a weekend with some keepers, and it was great to catch up with them, share news from here, and see them in their new/old life back home.
Love that Annie — One of the great perks of this life. We’ve got keepers all over the world and while the face to face connections are few and far between they are sweet when they happen. Thanks for sharing.
Too many newbies act like they know everything because they saw a video on youtube.
Great article and infographic, it really resonated with me (and as a relocation health coach, I could picture my clients on the cycle too).
‘Every year the same – but completely different.’ So true.
I’ve been all the above, a newbie, stayer and goer, about 10 times.
Right now, as our children’s international school announces about half of the primary school teachers moving on at the end of the year, we’re personally transitioning from newbies to Vanuatu, to stayers for 2-3 years. My online business allows an element of consistency, as it moves with me – within this environment I am a stayer even when all around me is new – I like that.
Love meeting people and hearing their stories, whether fresh new perspectives or insights from experience. Local and expats. Stayers and goers. Loving it. And / Or finding it tough.
Thanks for these insights Jerry!
I loved reading this particular post and finding your blog. We have been back in the U.S. from the Middle East 4 years now and it’s still hard. Prior to that, we were “stay-ers” for 15 years. I would like to know more about your training and what you are doing in the U.S. now…
Great insights. Thanks for putting to words where each and everyone of us are.
I am a stayer. Though the article rang true as a memory, it is less of an issue with me and colleagues teaching at universities here in Japan. Most of us are stayers. I know almost no newbies and few goers. Still, it is an issue, but it is a less prominent role in life for me. I still have people come and go from my life, more than I would if I lived back in my home country, but back when I taught privately and in schools, this was a major part of the rhythm of life for me. Well written piece.
An excellent article and the analogy is spot on the target. As a recent ‘Goer’ or ‘repat’ I’ve found the whole experience a complete let down. Not because I don’t love my country of birth, my friends, my home, etc., It’s because everything I knew and understood has changed since I last lived here.
As a ‘Newbie’, you’re welcomed by your hosts; you find new friends through work or your child(ren)’s school and you enter a world of transition that everyone else has been through. The excitement of the newness also carries you……it is invigorating……or so it is as for me.
As a ‘Returnee’……..
That’s it, zilch, nothing. You have to get on with things yourself because why do you need support? This is a country and lifestyle you know well. Probably it’s the trailing spouse who adjusts the slowest. I’ve come across many ‘repats’ in the same boat….we need a Repat Club!
Has anyone written a good book on repatriation? I can read it whilst I continue to adjust. ?
Hey Repat — Thanks for reading and for commenting. You’ve described the repat experience so well. Spot on. Have you discovered Naomi Hattaway and the “I am a Triangle” community? She has a Facebook group that is largely focused on repatriation. Tons of good support and resources there. https://www.facebook.com/groups/IAmATriangle/?ref=bookmarks.
Thanks for the tip – I’ll follow that up.
I’m a stayer for 47 years and still feel like a newbie at times. Trying to include all the newbies that arrive, is hard but I remember what it was like and always try to start a conversation. Sometimes I feel “the click” when you meet someone new and a great new adventure starts in my adopted land.
Great article!
Cathy — Wow. 47 years. Seems to me like there is a correlation between the fact that you have been a Stayer for so long and the fact that you have never stopped doing it well. Inspiring challenge for the rest of us.
What a great blog post. I have been all of these and concur with what you have to say. One thing worth mentioning: when a goer comes back to visit, it can be hard. You see all your former life, and realize that your stayer friends, everything, has gone on quite well without you, and your stayer friends have even gone on to make friends with new people (gasp), who are quite naturally not very interested in you … There’s a profound feeling of “where do I belong?” and of being uprooted that you don’t get so harshly when you’re in the process of going, staying or being new.
What about the trailing spouse? One partner has a job to do,and the other must fend for themselves. Nothing has been said about the huge percentage of trailing spouses (particularly women) losing their husbands to local women.
Ladies,your man is irresistible catnip to many local women,especially Asia. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. That was my mistake..
Don’t blame women in Asia. Blame a combination of (a) your man being weak and (b) yourself for being attracted to a weak man. There are temptations at every turn of life, it’s your job to keep those temptations in check, and ideally find someone else with similar values.
I am a stayer and this article rings so true on many levels. Well done and well written
Totally applies to our life as active duty military! … So hard on all fronts and just when we think we might be a stayer the military says GO and then it begins again!
Great insight. I’ve heard a lot of military people speak of the similarities between their lives and expats. Transience is tough no matter where you live. Thanks for commenting.
I show dogs and this article could be said of the dog show world…our rule is if you make it showing dogs for five years chances are you will be a “lifer” and that for the most part is true. Can’t tell you how many “newbies” I’ve helped over the past 20 years and how many people from the dog show world have come and gone and in some instances come back in. Hopefully this will help me to cope with now being a “Newbie” at the expat game, and will have given me the stamina and fortitude to help other newbies, when I am no longer one. I figure if I can hang in the dog show world for 20 years and love it, then I can hang as an expat…we’ll see…. Loved the article, looking forward to reading many more and learning, learning, learning…
Your post resonates with Goers, but it’s so helpful for everyone, because everyone, at some point, is a Newbie, Stayer and Goer. I have been been all three simulatenously – newly arrived, knowing I will only be there for a short time, yet welcoming someone a few weeks after I arrive as the ‘oldie.’ It may seem to be a complicated web, but one of your points sums it up well – seek to be selfless and serve the Newbies, Goers and Stayers no matter where YOU are on the spectrum.
I find this article very sad and depressing and I hope there is a great dose of irony, sarcasm and humor in it. Stayers, Goers and Newbies exclude the essential part of the population and that is the local Mexicans. The story is about the expats who suffer in their isolation. Wouldn’t it be much happier if a decision of resettlement to a new country was based on the interest in a new environment, culture and the people who always lived there without being Stayers, Goers and Newbies?
People in America and elsewhere in the Western World often complain about the immigrants inability to assimilation. Isn’t the same principal that should apply to us, who decide to come and live outside the world we grew up and shaped our personalities? Where is a will to learn the language there is a chance to open entire new world of curiosity. Meet your neighbor and it doesn’t have to be your buddy from Hennessy’s weekend get together or another “gringo” you met by accident at Soho Gallery or having a casual drink at “Fiesta Americana”.
If you won’t limit your horizons to the exclusive club of expat community, you will not suffer any more by the turmoil of Stayers, Goers and Newbies. Your network of friends and acquaintances will be enriched by many of people you would have pass by on the street unnoticed. The key to broaden your vital network of social life is by starting to speak Spanish, the language of the land and not remaining in ignorance and being prone to casual trauma of parting with the dear friends you so carefully bond over the time. Good luck to everyone and please don’t forget to contribute to your new homeland. Otherwise you will soon become unhappy and on the way to becoming one of the Goers. Hasta luego mis Amogos 🙂
That’s a lovely ideal Mariuszsz but not how it works out in my experience. You end up being friends with expats because they understand why you can’t get used to cold baths, hand washing your clothes in rainwater or that you miss food your neighbours have never heard of. They don’t yell at you for not putting socks and hats on your baby in the tropical sun or not squeezing its face every time it yawns.
Mariuszsz, you are surely correct in your observation that we need not be completely dependent on the comings and goings of expats for friendship. Having retired to Mexico almost ten years ago, we have made some meaningful friendships with local Mexicans that we will always cherish. Determined to “assimilate” when we first arrived, however, we discovered that assimilation is not easy. The cultural differences are much more profound than we suspected; most Mexicans in our area do not make casual friendships. They are too busy working, and their social lives revolve around extended family. So we are more dependent upon our fellow expats than we expected to be. And in our area, which is a beach resort area and very warm & humid in summer, there is a further division: the year-round stayers (us) and the snowbirds, most of whom hail from Canada in our area and who stay here only 2-6 months of the year. So it is a constant repetition of hello and goodbye. It does take some getting used to, but after almost a decade, it is a rhythm of life with which we are comfortable.
Hi, Was looking for an email, but came across your post and wanted to know if we could use it in our Moms Expat group in Lima. Your post really hit home for me and the admin group. http://www.miramoms.com and each one of us experience this each year.
Hey Kelly. Thanks for reaching out. Please feel free to use this post.
Great post – I am a newby, about to say goodbye to a goer who I really connected with – it’s certainly hard. I will be sharing this on my blog’s FB page – I think we can all relate.
Wow! This is very interesting.Thanks! I am about to be a newbie as this will be my first time living in the International world.
Love this Blog – lots to contribute – laters!
Love the information and can relate to it !! You nailed it. I also enjoy the other articles. Transitions has become part of our world and so few people are really prepared or understand the dynamics in which they let themselves into. I work with quite a few career expats and no two transitions are the same. It helps people, however. to know that they are on schedule with their experience and that the ride is never ‘over’. Thanks for these insights.
I’m scared now…because we are about to be Newbies. It sounds real, hard, wonderful, and part of life. Thank you, though, for telling it like it is.
Hey Melissa — Nothing wrong with a healthy bit of scared. Just don’t be consumed by that. No question it’s hard but only because it is good. So worth it. All the best on your upcoming adventure.
Goers become Newbies the instant they step off the plane. Every Newbie was a Goer a few hours before. The transitions from Newbie to Stayer and Stayer to Goer are less abrupt. The observation that Stayers are more stable is accurate. Stayers need to deal with change around them but their state is relatively stable. The Goers/Newbies need to deal not only with the change around them and also the abrupt change of their own status.
The Natives are Stayers, with the difference that they were never Newbies. The Stayer also has the option to assimilate over the long term, asymptotically approaching Native. Many indefinite or long term Stayers do not choose to assimilate.
Making friends with locals is how you put down a good foundation. Our friends are primarily people who have lived in Panama 5 or more years and have businesses. I have been here 5 myself and married a Panamanian. We make some friends with expats but they would rather barrier themselves in their enclaves. That has no appeal to us. Expat life is hard but so is slaving away at a 9-5.
As a stayer (17 years in East Africa) who wonders often if she should be a goer (especially when terrorism was at its height in Nairobi) – this all rings true. The grass seems to be always greener for those who are off to pastures new and I’ve been stuck in one spot for too long to have any idea of what it truly is like to move on. Eeek!
Sorry guys – all this is expat blahblah from the expat bubbles and the reason why I try to stay away from expats as much as possible. Nothing but complaints on how stupid, dishonest, lazy, dangerous, greedy etc… the locals are. You guys lock up in a golden castle of fear. Really – this can spoil your stay – as Randy Hilarski states: stick to the locals. Didn’t go abroad to meet the same pack that I left at back at home.
I’ve been doing this for 24+ years and no one has ever captured it so well! Thanks for your article!!!
Hi! Jerry! Thank you for the insightful and thought provoking article. You have hit on some very important aspects of being in expat. Having lived in an East African country for 15 years, I can see the difference of stayers, goers and newbies. I have subscribed to your
Hi Jerry,
Great article, really hits it to a T. Though, and someone may have already mentioned it, but may I humbly suggest one more category of person, that of the ‘local colleagues’. I’ve worked in a few different countries in Asia, and many times the local colleagues working in international schools or businesses have to gracefully, or not so gracefully, put up with the Goers, Stayers – but never forever – and Newbies.
Newbies always have new ideas, ones that have been suggested many times before, I imagine many local colleagues can feel a sense of de ja vu every time a newbie says why don’t we do X,Y & Z.
Of course, many of our local colleagues feel sad when an expat, or expat family they have begin to form bonds with leaves, yet again, so who can blame them wanting to avoid getting too close to a newbie ?
Well done.
Currently struggling with the sudden loss of about half of our “stayer” friends to a single city in the next country over.
I should say “migration” rather than “loss.” Thanks to Facebook, all of those friends are still hanging around, although it feels oddly like we are standing outside a window looking in on their party. Same friends, hanging out together in new locations in a distant city. I suppose they are looking at Facebook, too, and going “Oh, look, our old island friends are having a nice time too, without us.”
So the friendships are still very much alive but it is like we’re watching each other on television, happy for each other’s happiness but contributing nothing toward that emotion — except smiley face emoticons and ones that go “Wow!”
One moment we are all hanging out together on this lovely tropical island. The next time we get together, half of the party is missing. Now we must begin “auditioning” for new friends, not exactly a pleasant exercise.
The old ones were fine, except for not being here any more.
There is another kind of goer I find interesting: The ones who move on to a new life but never completely let go of their old one. Again, thank you Facebook. These people are pleasant in every way and forever commenting on how things are either still the same as when they left years ago or sadly changed.
One in particular haunts several expat sites, making comments and recommendations, lending advice, offering up opinions, issuing warnings, and passing judgments on a place she has not lived in for quite a few years now. And she does it with the voice of authority.
I guess what I am saying is that — for better or worse — expat friends who move on don’t disappear from our lives with the finality they once might have, thanks to the Facebook connections.
I have a seasonal friend who leads an absolutely thrilling life on several continents. It is an absolute blast to track his journey through Facebook and Messenger — then pick up with out a hiccup when he and his wife return here for their several months of tropical island living.
More and more, though, as others have commented, it is the locals who are providing the stability and friendships in my life. This has been their family home for generations and, understandably, they can be pretty guarded about striking up a friendship with those flighty ex-pats. But I’m patient. I know I’ll have to prove my worth by proving my stability.
Meeting an expat who has made our island her home for nearly two decades, I was taken aback by her first words to me: “Oh, I never make friends with people until they have been here at least four or five years.”
To be honest, she lifted the probationary period for us and is one of our very closest friends today. But I get what she was saying (even though she rarely follows her own rule): Reach out, make friends, don’t close yourself off, but shield a bit of your heart from the inevitable loss.