Dec 22, 2016 |
Life abroad is a trade off isn’t it? You give some things up. You get some things back.
Some would call it a sacrifice which is perfectly accurate for so many. I prefer the term investment for myself. Both start with letting go of something but a sacrifice let’s go with no expectation or hope for return.
Truly and entirely selfless. Those people are my heros.
BUT
I’m getting way too much out of this to think that I have genuinely sacrificed anything (especially in comparison to those people). I’ve given things up but I’m an investor and frankly the returns are phenomenal.
To be clear — I’m not talking money here.
My investment has been comfort, connection and confidence.
I’ve given up things like a room full of power tools, a bathroom that doesn’t smell like raw sewage and literacy. Those are trivial compared to the relational investments — sure would be nice to drop the kids at Grandma and Grandpa’s for the day.
I’m whining a bit but I’m not complaining. The returns are not lost on me — I’m getting a bottomless adventure, a network of close friends from every continent (except Antarctica), kids who will never be held back by words like, “that’s too far to travel”, free language lessons with every taxi ride, fabulous family selfies, street food that would make your head spin and a chance to live out my calling every single day.
Seriously — not complaining — but I do miss my family. Especially this time of year.
The holiday season has me thinking about traditions. Are they an investment or a sacrifice?
I feel like many expats buy into the idea that when you live abroad you have to check your traditions at the airport. Just put them on pause until you get back “home”. A total sacrifice on the altar of “that’s not an option here”.
I don’t buy it.
Traditions, for the expat (and the repat), are one of the great opportunities for something solid in a life which is otherwise incessantly marked by change. Adaptation is required to be sure. Adjustment is essential. You can’t do this without some tweaks and twerks and modifications but rock solid traditions are worth the investment.
My family needs that. I need that.
So I’m investing in a solid set of traditions (holiday and otherwise) that can remain constant here, there or anywhwere.
sidenote: Twerks are probably less essential to this process than tweaks and modifications. Please consult a doctor before you include twerking in your family traditions. Please also consult your family.
When you squeeze the old, stable customs through the filter of expat realities you end up with a set of TRAVELING TRADITIONS that can go with you wherever you land.
I’m working on mine and here are some things that I’m considering:
Traveling Traditions should focus on people not places.
We don’t have the luxury of going to Grandmother’s house every year let alone going over the same river or through the same woods. Our stability will likely never be a place. It is people (namely us).
Traveling Traditions should be focused on what “can always” instead of what “can here”.
Every true tradition must be held to the test . . . could we still do this if we lived in Dubai or Moscow or Bangkok or Atlantis? If not then it always runs the risk of extinction with the next move . . . or the one after that.
Traveling Traditions should be focused on small and not large.
Ornaments travel. Trees, not so much. We are mobile people. Our traditions should not be tethered to “things” that cannot move with us.
Traveling Traditions are more likely to need “translating” than simply “transplanting“.
Traditions probably won’t ever move seamlessly between spots on the planet but discovering how to convert the heart of the old into a new location or culture is worth some thought. sidenote: something is always lost in translation which does not render it unworth translating.
Traveling Traditions should be firmly flexible.
I am 100% dead set, unflinchingly convinced and resolved that our traditions will move forward according to our plan, absolutely . . . until they don’t. Then I’ll be flexible. We’re expats so we’ve already learned something about flexibility. It keeps us from breaking.
Traveling Traditions should break the time-space continuum.
20 years from now I want my kids to finish the sentence, “When I was a child my parents always made us ______________”. Then I want them to wrack their brains figuring out how they’re going to get their families to love it as much as they did.
We have a wonderfully challenging, beautifully transient life. Things change regularly and rapidly even when we don’t go anywhere. We make more friends than we ever dreamed we would, engage more cultures than we even knew existed and say more goodbyes than we ever signed on for.
Considering the fact that pretty much everything changes on a regular basis for the average expat . . . something needs to stay the same.
Traditions are worth the investment but they are certainly not without return.
What have you learned about maintaining your traditions in a constantly changing life?
What are your favorite Traveling Traditions?
Dec 13, 2016 |
Ahh moving abroad . . . that’ll fix it.
A fresh start. A new leaf. A change of scenery. That’s what I need to break me out of the unhealthy rhythms and dysfunctional habits I’ve been carrying with me for years.
Right?
The people reading this are having at least three distinctly different reactions right now.
The starry-eyed “Soon-To-Be’s” are like “Exactly what I was thinking. Makes total sense.”
The half-jaded “Been-There’s” are saying, “PFFFT. Keep dreaming chump.”
And somewhere out there someone just giggled and thought, “yeah, not so much, but it gets better.”
I wish it were true. I really do. I wish that packing up and moving to a new place meant that you could leave your baggage at home.
But you can’t . . . at least not most of the time.
(just a side note to anyone who actually did discover that moving away fixed all of their issues . . . you should maybe not say anything just now . . . the rest of us don’t like you)
I call it FLIGHT INFLATION (capitalized for emphasis) and it’s a reality built on two simple principles:
• Issues can fly
• They expand when they land
The life cross-cultural can be the great inflator of personal problems. It can also be painfully deceptive, early on. The excitement, the adventure and the newness can serve as a great cover up for a good long time but rest assured . . . if it’s in there . . . it will come out.
Let’s get blunt for just a minute so there’s no mistaking what we’re talking about here:
If addiction is your thing — drugs, booze, porn, attention, name it — an international move is not a substitute for recovery. You can expect that your triggers and temptations will be stronger than ever. Even if your vice seems non-available in your new home, addicts are masters at finding what they crave.
If your marriage is in the toilet — you may very well need some time away with your spouse and a trip abroad could be just what the therapist ordered . . . but LIFE abroad is NOT a break from reality to gather your thoughts and talk things out . . . it is a NEW reality altogether. It’s a reality that mixes all of your past frustrations with a whole new set of frustrations. That’s dangerous chemistry.
If you have anger issues — That’s one thing when your life is compartmental. Blow up at work and no one at church will ever know. Kick the dog and he’ll keep it a secret. Life abroad is (and I generalize here) more community driven — less prone to personal space and segmented social spheres. Who you really are is harder to keep secret in a bubble when everyone you know is all up in your business.
Whatever it is — Withdrawal. Gossip. Anxiety. Depression. Control issues. Procrastination. Doubt. Shame. Laziness. Misphonia (that thing where mouth sounds make you crazy . . . what? . . . it’s a real thing . . . stop judging).
Seriously — whatever it is — life abroad doesn’t fix it.
Anonymity, isolation, lack of support, cultural stress, feeling out of control (this list goes on for a while) are all factors in the swelling of our issues abroad. Consider the fact that you are often expected to complete high stakes tasks with other anonymous, isolated, unsupported, highly stressed, out of control people and FLIGHT INFLATION starts to make sense.
This is not a doomsday post (could have fooled me, right?)
If you’re a starry-eyed “Soon-To-Be” don’t freak out
- Everyone has issues . . . for real . . . everyone.
- Do everything you can to address them before you go — and set a plan to keep addressing them.
- Don’t be naive — Going in with your eyes open sets you up to do this right.
- sidenote — if your issues are actually going to crush you abroad it is MUCH better to discover that before you go
If you’re a half-jaded “Been There”
- Good news — you’re also half unjaded. Resolve not to go the other half.
- Say it with me — “Life abroad does not get to rob me of my _______” (marriage, sanity, sobriety, dog)
- Become a master of seeking wisdom.
- sidenote — if your issues are already crushing you finish this sentence, “It would be better for me to ______ than to lose my ________.” Do whatever it takes.
If you’ve been there, come through it and learned something along the way
- Share your wisdom. Humbly and with great empathy. Please.
- Don’t get cocky. Issues come back.
- Be an advocate for people with issues. They could use someone who understands.
- sidenote: Consider that people are NEVER the best version of themselves in transition. Help them navigate.
Whoever you are and whatever your issues, add to the conversation and comment below.
Know someone who needs this? Pass it on.
Sep 27, 2016 |
Assumption poisons transition. Let’s explore that.
Life abroad can be incredible . . . and challenging . . . and wonderful . . . and horrible.
Transition from one space, one place, one system and one normal to another is an ongoing process.
Even after the initial settling in, “culture shock” and newby bumblings, life abroad remains more fluid, more changing and more filled up with shaky uncertainties than monocultural life back on the farm.
Click here to read: The Transition That Never Ends: The ongoing cycle of expat Stayers, Goers and Newbies
Another angle that we often miss (in our sweet little expat bubble) is the fact that we have also imported copious amounts of transition into our host culture. They were normal before we got here — or at least they knew what normal looked like. Now their lives are filled with a constant stream of incoming and outgoing foreigners who talk funny, act weird, eat wrong and complain a lot.
You can’t write stuff this good.
Wide-eyed, hyper-optimistic, fresh off the boat Newpats (new expats) getting initiated and inundated by multi-varying degrees of seasoned or disgruntled or savvy or battle-weary Vetpats (veteran expats) who introduce them to the ways of the Locals with wise, wise words of expat genius like . . . ” you can’t get that here.”
It’s a wild mix of people who don’t understand the least bit about each other but feel the pressure to act as if they do. It’s like a gigantic petri dish for toxic assumptions to go crazy.
It’s not always fatal but it is never healthy.
Here is a short (and very abridged) guide to cross-cultural assumptions:
NEWPAT ASSUMPTIONS
The assumption of direct correlation: The false assumption that every new experience is fully grasped and understood based on previous exposure to a completely unrelated and equally misunderstood foreign culture. Generally accompanied by the words, “That’s just like” or “When I was” or both.
Example: “Oh they eat with chopsticks?! That’s just like when I was in India . . . and they ate with their hands.”
Nope. It’s actually not.
The assumption of overestimated relational capital: The misguided perception that ones influence in his or her new community is stronger than than it actually is. Often accompanied by expectations for broad paradigm shifts based on personal recommendations, followed by confusion when said paradigm shifts don’t occur immediately.
Example: “Wow, you guys are way too introverted. It wasn’t like that where I come from. Let’s start a street corner karaoke night every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Here’s a sign up sheet.”
“Anyone?”
“No?”
“Jerks.”
Slow down. People need to trust you before they can trust you (read that twice).
The assumption of different is wrong: The premature deduction that cultural characteristics, customs, traditions or actions are automatically faulty solely by nature of their deviation from the Newpats preferred alternative. Often accompanied by phrases such as, “did you see that?!” followed by some sort of question, mockery or expletive.
Example: “Did you see that toilet?!! It’s a hole in the floor. How do they even do that?”
Different does not equal wrong. If it does, you are in trouble. Look around — you are the different one.
Click here to read: That Was a Stupid Idea Until We Though of It: The cultural phenomenon of squatting toilets, split pants and giant hickeys
VETPAT ASSUMPTIONS
The assumption of time standing still: The notion that virtually nothing has changed between the entry points of the Vetpat and the Newpat. Often accompanied by phrases like, “Yeah, you can’t get that here” or “you can’t do that here.”
Example:
Vetpat: “Soap? No we bring that from home.”
Newpat: “Really? I thought I saw some at the market.”
Vetpat: “No that’s probably Tofu.”
Newpat: “Ah. Ok. Do you think I could find it online?”
Vetpat: “On what?”
You don’t have to stay up on everything but don’t put the Newpats in your box.
The assumption of identical issues: The idea that the Newpat will experience the exact same gut reactions and frustrations that the Vetpat experienced. Accompanied by phrases like, “You’re going to . . . ” or “You’ll probably . . . ”
Example: “You’re going to love the food. You’re going to hate the smell. You’re going to get really frustrated when they stare at you so much so that you’ll probably snap at some point, put on a Spiderman costume and start screaming, “TAKE A PICTURE IT WILL LAST LONGER.”
“It’s ok if you do.”
Newpats will develop their own biases. Don’t insist they share yours.
The assumption of golden words: The ill-conceived impression that Newpats are hanging on every wise and wonderful nugget of advice and guidance offered by the Vetpat. Often accompanied by one sided conversations, long explanations, presumptuous opinions (stated as fact) and a deep sense of satisfaction for the Vetpat.
Example:
Newpat: “Hey where’s the bathroom.”
Vetpat: “Well, son let me tell you, there are actually three different types of (finger quotes) ‘bath rooms’ in this country. The first is an actual (finger quotes) ‘room for bathing’. Historically, you see, this is a much more collective culture than . . . (30 minutes later) . . . so the third one, or as the locals would call it the (finger quotes again) ‘room of the toilet’ is down the hall to the left. I’ll take you there.”
Newpat: “Nah. Thanks. I’m good.”
Your wisdom is so wise . . . really, it is . . . so stop talking and listen for a while so someone will hear it.
LOCAL ASSUMPTIONS
The assumption that ignorance equals stupidity: The misconception that ones intellect, intelligence or complexity is directly reflected in his or her capacity to express them in the context of a foreign language or culture. Generally accompanied by speaking louder, slower and offering disproportionate praise for the simplest accomplishments.
Example:
Local: “HELLO! WHAT . . . IS . . . YOUR . . . . . . . . . . . NAME?!!”
Foreigner: “Um . . . Bob”
Local: “WAAAHHH BOB. YOUR LANGUAGE IS SOOOOO GOOOD!!”
Foreigner: “Really? I just said my name”
Local: “WHAT . . . IS . . . YOUR . . . JOB?”
Foreigner: “Um . . . Astrophysicist”
Local: “WAAAH. YOU ARE SOOOO SMART. YES YOU ARE.”
Examples can vary drastically from location to location but the same assumption shows up universally. Just because the foreigner can’t say it, doesn’t mean they don’t know it.
The assumption of cookie cutter foreigners: The mistaken conclusion that all foreign people share a single set of opinions, ideas, understandings and temperaments. Accompanied by words like, “They”, “always” and “because.”
Example: “You’re feeding your foreign friend what?!! No don’t do that. THEY hate spicy food. They always start sweating and crying because they only eat cheese and vegetables.”
Special note: The assumption of cookie cutter LOCALS could be added to both the Newpat and the Vetpat lists.
The assumption of weird foreigners: The unfortunate deduction that all foreigners are strange, odd or different.
Actually this one is probably spot on. We can own it.
The only tragedy of oddness is when it becomes an insurmountable obstacle to relationship. Weird is worth working through.
THE ANTIDOTE
If assumptions are poison then QUESTIONS are the antidote. Good questions. Lots of questions.
Starting with “I don’t know, but I want to” instead of “yeah, that’s just like” changes absolutely everything.
So how do you ask good questions?
That’s another post entirely.
How about you? Which assumptions have poisoned you or your community the most? What other assumptions have you seen (or used)?
Sep 4, 2016 |
I love living abroad. I really do.
Even the stressful stuff cracks me up.
Like the time I got 28 enormous hickeys on my back or the day I discovered I might be Amish.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Life as a bumbling foreigner makes me laugh — some days simply because the alternative involves some combination of thumb sucking, a fetal position, and dents in my wall that match my forehead.
If you can relate — even a little — then you should read this new book:
“THE DAY GRANDMA GOT US KICKED OUT OF MEXICO (and other fun stories about life as a bumbling American foreigner)“
It’s a short compilation of my favorite and funnest stories, interactions and reflections over the past several years and it’s free.
This book is simply about stepping back and enjoying the expat ride . . . bumps and all. There is no moral to the story. No great self-help wisdom. Just a few light-hearted thoughts from the perspective of an American living in China. Incidentally, it might even make a good read for a German living in Brazil . . . or a Kenyan living in Russia.
Probably not a Canadian living in Greece though. That’s pushing it.
Here’s how you get the book. Just sign in below and click on the big red button. Check your email to prove that you are a human (easier for some) and enjoy.
Thanks for reading . . . and for laughing at my Grandma. I hope to return the favor someday.
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If you enjoy the book or you’ve got a fun bumbling foreigner story of your own I’d love to hear about it. Please comment share this post with your friends.
Sep 2, 2016 |
Hey expat. You too repat. When was the last time you laughed?
Like really laughed. Belly laughed until your ears hurt and you actually had to force yourself to think of something sad for fear that you might pull a muscle in your gut. Laughed so hard that you had to fight to catch your breath even after you stopped laughing . . . and then you snorted and started laughing all over again.
I’m not talking “lol” here. I mean “BWAAHAHA!”
How long has it been? How often does it happen?
Too long? Not often enough?
Why is that?
Let me guess. Life happened. Transition got real. Culture shock or re-entry stress hit you like a ton of bricks and you can’t even remember what gut laughing feels like.
In the economy of major life transition, laughter sometimes feels like a luxury that you can’t afford.
I’m right with you . . . but we’re both wrong.
It’s hard to find a better value proposition than laughter. Your investmentment is virtually nothing and the returns are astronomical. Try to get that deal from stress . . . or worry . . . or anger . . . or complaining . . . or overthinking . . . or even venting.
Bottom line? You need to laugh.
Here’s why.
Laughing is healthier and tastes better than Kale
The only thing that disqualifies laughter from being classified as a superfood is that . . . well, technically it’s not a food (if you want to be all picky). However, the studies are in (lots of them) and all of the data points to the same conclusion. Laughing is actually crazy healthy. Physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.
Here are some of the benefits (not making this up).
LAUGHTER CAN:
- Lower blood pressure
- Increase short-term memory
- Lower stress hormones
- Protect against heart disease
- Defend against respiratory infections
- Improve alertness and creativity
- Increase oxygen levels in your blood
- Increase pain tolerance
- Improve metabolism
- Make you blow milk out of your nose which makes other people laugh which resets the whole healthy cycle
Seriously. Kale isn’t even funny. At all.
Laughter is the opposite of everything that stresses you out
Important to note here. Laughter doesn’t SOLVE all of your transition challenges. It’s not going to magically infuse your brain with a foreign language or explain to your family why you’re crying in the cereal aisle. Laughter is not the answer to all of your pain but it might be the break that you need to STOP being consumed by the hard stuff. Even for a little bit.
A good laugh can be a great reset.
There are no Laughter Rehabs
People with issues (like you and me) want to detach. It’s what we do. Unfortunately the unhealthy options that offer a break from hard realities are as unlimited as the devastation that comes as a result of engaging with them. Laughter is all natural with zero negative side effects. So is kale but we’ve covered that.
A good laugh can give you a break without disconnecting or doing damage.
Laughter crosses cultural boundaries
Some of my most enjoyable laughs have been shared with people who speak about five words in my language (which is three more than I speak in theirs). To be clear . . . HUMOR does NOT often cross cultural lines.
Like, hardly ever.
Your jokes are probably not funny to the rest of the world. Sorry, but it’s better you find out here . . . from the guy who has learned the hard way.
HOWEVER — humor is not the only thing worth laughing at. If and when you find that point of connection with someone who is on the other side of a cultural line, it is golden. A good laugh not only crosses cultural barriers — it crushes them and builds a rapport that is hard to find elsewhere.
A note for repats — You’re crossing cultures too.
A good laugh can be a surprisingly great connector.
via GIPHY
Laughing at yourself means you’re doing transition right
If you can’t laugh at yourself in the context of being a bumbling foreigner or returning “home” (and feeling like a bumbling foreigner) you are likely to do one of two things: Explode or Implode. Neither of those is good (just in case you were wondering).
There is only one reason you should laugh at yourself. Ready?
Because you’re funny.
Not so much in the brilliant, well thought out comedic genius kind of way. No no, you’re funny in the cat who falls off a ceiling fan kind of way. You’re making mistakes and falling down even though you look and feel like you shouldn’t be.
Frustrating . . . but funny.
Bumbling and falling can be a shot to your pride for sure — but laughing at yourself can be an indicator that your pride isn’t controlling you. I’m not talking about a self-loathing, self abusive, “I’m too stupid to do anything” laughter — but a healthy acknowledgement that you are not, in fact, the first person to do transition without falling down is a good sign.
A good laugh at yourself is a great gauge for transitional health.
Laughter is a good sign of things to come
Transition is a thief. It temporarily robs you of the comfort and confidence that you enjoyed back when you were settled. Remember those days? You had it all figured out. Now it’s just awkward. You don’t laugh when things are awkward.
Ok you might “lol” . . . but you don’t “BWAAHAHA!!”
So finding a way to genuinely laugh, even before you’re resettled, gives you a glimpse of something good that is coming.
A good laugh can be a great reminder that it’s going to get better.
One important disclaimer that could change everything:
It matters what you laugh at
All of this is out the window if it takes ripping someone else (or yourself for that matter) to shreds for you to laugh. You might still get the sugar rush but it’s not worth the damage you’ll leave behind (and carry with you).
So take some time and get intentional. Try this — Write down five times you can remember laughing til it hurt. Now start making connections. What do they have in common? Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? What can you recreate now? What can you not?
Even if transition has made it impossible to reproduce your most laughable moments, don’t give up on finding some new ones.
Why not start with a chuckle? — scroll up to the blue box at the top, right of this page and download my new ebook, “The Day Grandma Got us Kicked Out of Mexico.” It’s full of some of my most frustrating and enjoyable laughs as a bumbling foreigner.
You might relate.
Aug 18, 2016 |
Ignorance is not just for expats. Oh no, no — it’s universal — but we do it so very well don’t we?
We typically get the chance to practice and showcase our ignorance more often than others. Like daily — maybe hourly — more for some. The goofy little language gaffes and the awkward culture blunders make for great stories and Facebook fodder but they can also mount up to become the bane of an expat experience.
So does the fact that ignorance is an inescapable reality (especially for the foreigner) mean we should give up and wallow in it? Accept it? Surrender to the idea that we don’t know so we won’t know?
My opinion? Absolutely not . . . but probably so.
We may always be ignorant but we don’t have to be THIS ignorant. We can’t ever understand it all but we could certainly understand more. Daily — hourly — more for some.
For expats who are genuinely ready to become less ignorant (and likely to discover that they are more so than ever):
Here are ten quick thoughts about things we should stop doing.
One: We should stop confusing ignorant with stupid.
Ignorance gets a bad rap. I blame stupidity. The two are NOT the same thing but they are often seen holding hands.
Stupid is always ignorant but ignorant is not always stupid.
Ignorance can be refreshing when it is acknowledged. It can also be the springboard for genuine understanding. That is not stupid. In fact it is the polar opposite.
There is a world of difference between the ugly, arrogant, bigoted tourist and the humble, inquisitive, respectful visitor . . . but they are both ignorant.
It makes sense that ignorance and stupidity are easily confused since they so often travel together but they are not the same.
Withholding judgment is important.
Two: We should stop ignoring ignorance.
Ignoring ignorance takes a million microforms. Shaking your head, gritting your teeth, raising your eyebrow, biting your lip. Offering an opinion as a fact. Starting a sentence with “They always . . . ” or “that’s just like . . . ”
It all means exactly the same thing — “I get it and they don’t.” “I’m right and they are wrong.” “I understand and them? not so much.”
In reality it is more likely that our frustration is growing out of something that we don’t understand. It’s a great place to stop and learn.
To be fair — the likelihood that any of us are going to flip a switch and turn off our visceral reactions is about zero. So let your gut driven teeth gritting serve as an alarm bell (post grit). “Ahhh, this is really frustrating . . . so there must be something here I don’t understand.”
Humility is key.
Three: We should stop confusing knowing with understanding.
Information is vital but it doesn’t change you at your core.
When your mother told you that the pot on the stove was hot she was passing on some great information but the first time you grabbed the handle you came into a whole new level of understanding.
Expats are dangerously prone to mistaking something we have learned for something we understand. We read the books, go to the training, follow a blog (ouch) and we think we’ve got it. There is no intellectual equivalent though, for what our five senses are capable of.
Engagement matters
Four: We should stop confusing understanding with agreeing.
Fundamental, core value disagreements are tough — and a fertile ground for ignorance to spread.
Politics. Faith. Education. Child rearing. Culture.
Sports.
We start wars over this stuff.
We pick teams and huddle up. We teach each other (quite persuasively) about things we already agree on. We high five, amen, chest bump and rally around our rightness. The lefties learn about righties but only from other lefties — the Baptists teach each other about Buddhists. I would assume that vice versa applies across the board.
We’re terrified of a conversation with the actual people that we disagree with. People might think we’ve switched. Sold out. Fallen away.
But understanding a different perspective (from the person who holds it) does NOT equal agreement. In fact, if you’re grounded, it’s likely to strengthen your core. Civil conversations with people on the other side of an issue sharpen understanding.
Respect changes things.
Five: We should stop confusing AN answer with THE answer.
The problem with finding an answer is that we think we’re done.
Boom. Got it. No need to keep searching. I understand it now.
Repeat after me — there is ALWAYS more to it. No matter how good the answer is. No matter how brilliant the source. There is ALWAYS something else to be explored. Another angle. Another perspective. Another opinion that opens the gate to understanding more of what you thought you understood already.
Complexity is a reality.
Six: We should stop learning from the experts only.
Experts are smart (you can quote me on that). They know stuff and they’ve proven themselves worth listening to. You can learn a lot from the masters — but you can’t learn everything.
I can get a PhD in Chinese Studies from Oxford or Harvard and still learn something new by sitting down to eat with a Chinese farmer. I can learn about expat life from the 30 year veteran gurus who have thrived cross-culturally BUT there is still, heartfelt wisdom that comes from the starry-eyed newbie or the guy who fell flat on his face and went home early.
There are sages all around . . . sometimes in the least expected places.
Regular people might shock you.
Seven: We should stop complaining and start processing.
This one is tricky.
Processing and complaining both begin at exactly the same spot but they go to remarkably different places. The statements on the front end are often identical. “This is not good — I hate this.” That’s where the two part company.
- The processor wants a solution — The complainer wants sympathy.
- The processor seeks wisdom — The complainer seeks validation.
- The processor listens to hard truth — The complainer picks their favorite truth and hears nothing else.
- The processor makes changes — The complainer expects others to change.
- The processor learns — The complainer already knows everything.
- The processor gets less ignorant — The complainer gets more ignorant.
The trickiest part is that no one fancies themselves a complainer . . . especially complainers.
Here’s a quick litmus test: Are most of the people around you complainers? Then you might be one too. It’s likely you’re a safe place to gripe and complainers attract their own.
In the end, processors are great for community. They become the wisdom that other processors seek out. Complainers are toxic (but might be really fun to talk to).
Introspection couldn’t hurt.
Eight: We should stop forgetting what we want to understand.
This is so simple it hurts but most people still don’t do it (which hurts worse).
Every single day I come across something that is BOTH interesting AND confusing. Something that I would like to know more about, read about, look up on youtube, check out on wikipedia, ask a friend about. Sometimes I even make a mental note to self — “I should learn about that”
“Someday”
What I fail to recognize (in that moment) is that I have just chucked this important opportunity to erase ignorance onto a massive heap of other things that I would like to learn about . . . someday.
I know this about myself. If I don’t capture it . . . right in that moment . . . it is lost. It may pop up again but I’ll chuck it right back on the heap of good intentions.
There is a fancy tool that the experts use and I’m going to share it with you right here . . . for free.
Ready?
It’s a piece of paper.
I know . . . mind blown right?
Writing your questions, and confusions and baffled uncertainties down in a notebook or an app or on the back of a business card does not guarantee that you will learn something about it. But NOT writing it down generally guarantees that you won’t.
Making a note is the first step towards intentionality. There are other steps (that’s probably a different post).
The Alphabet will change your life.
Nine: We should stop using periods so soon . . .
I don’t understand these people.
I don’t speak their language.
I’m ignorant.
If you’re like me you (far too often) speak of the present tense as if it were the future. When it comes to cross-cultural issues, I speak matter-of-factly, as if there were no hope for something different.
Here’s a thought. Use a comma. Try a conjunction . . . maybe two. Even better? Do that little dot dot dot thing . . .
Forget the grammar, it’s a way of thinking. An alternate perspective that not only unlocks the door, it opens it and anticipates walking through.
I don’t understand them . . . BUT I really want to . . . so . . .
I don’t speak their language . . . YET . . . AND . . .
I’m ignorant . . . SO could you help me understand?
If you surrender to the idea that your current condition is bound to be your ongoing reality, you’ve settled for ignorance.
That’s stupid.
Puncuation redesigns what’s next.
Ten: We should stop fixing everyone else.
Neither of us has the capacity to erase the ignorance of the world. Try erasing some of your own though, and see if it’s not contagious.
“Me first” is a powerful phrase
I feel like we’re just scratching the surface here. What have you learned that might help us all face, embrace or erase our ignorance? Help us out — comment below.
Go here to read part 1: Facing Expat Ignorance and part 2 Embracing Expat Ignorance
