Jul 15, 2014 |
Hey good news. No matter what you’re feeling right now . . . you’re normal.
If you are among the thousands of families who are in (or recently went through) the process of packing up your lives and relocating to China then I’m happy to tell you that whatever is going on inside that confused little head and heart of yours is absolutely, undeniably . . . normal.
It’s normal to be excited. It’s normal to be scared.
It’s even normal to be massive amounts of both at the same time and not know which one you are at any given moment. Don’t feel guilty if you catch yourself looking at your kids and thinking to yourself, “what in the world are we doing?!”
Trust me. You are not alone.
Stepping out into the unknown with children can be nerve wracking. So in the interest of pulling your expectations and reality a little bit closer together . . .
Here are 6 tips to help you prepare for raising kids in China:
Tip #1: Prepare for Space Invasion
No doubt about it — Westerners love them some personal space. We’ve been trained from the earliest days of our lives that there is an invisible force field around us which no one is allowed into. If you stand in my space I get uncomfortable. If you drive into my space, I shake my fist and call you a moron. If you listen into my space you are eavesdropping (jerk). If you look into my space I can fight you.
“You lookin’ at me? You got a problem? You must have a problem cause you’re lookin’ at me.”
We learned from our mothers that staring at weird things is rude (unless, of course, the weird things you are staring at don’t know you are staring). Personal space has consequently become one of our most precious values.
In China (suffice it to say) it is less of a value and guess what . . . you are one of the weird things.
It’s pretty common for foreigners (like yourself) to get frustrated by curious onlookers who are breaking all of the personal space rules that they have grown to love deeply.
Old men who stand three feet away and stare incessantly. Old ladies who tell you to put more clothes on your baby. Mothers who grab their kids, point and say, “there’s one, there’s one!” Crowds that gather to take your picture. In some form or another your personal space will be invaded. Count on it.
It might help to know that what is happening is cultural and not personal. It might also help to remember that the space around you (where your force field usually sits) is actually Chinese space — and you’re standing in it. Bonus Tips
- Don’t be ugly: Expecting China to conform to your version of what equals rude is not only unfair, it is unlikely to change anything. You’re the visitor. Learn how to show respect (their version).
- Don’t over think it: You’re not a freak of nature nor are you a superstar. If either of those walked by they probably wouldn’t even notice you. There are just a different set of rules surrounding space ownership and you may be the most interesting thing in their space at the moment.
- Don’t exaggerate: ALL of China does not stop and stare when you enter the room. 90+% are likely unconcerned by your presence. That number goes down when you move to the country side or a tourist hot spot but generally speaking you’re not the most fascinating thing in China.
Tip #2: Protect Politely
More good news. Your kids are normal too.
Some kids love the limelight. Posing for pictures with perfect strangers and practicing English with three year olds in a crowded supermarket is fun for them.
In my experience those kids are the exception and not the rule. It is not the least bit uncommon for kids to be overwhelmed and even stressed to anger by the constant attention.
Your dual role as Mother Hen and Yoda may be stretched. As Mother Hen nothing tweaks you more than people stressing your kids out and protecting them is your highest calling. As Yoda you feel tremendous pressure to cultivate these impressionable young minds into kind, compassionate global citizens.
Both are essential.
Forcing your kids to “perform” when they are irritated or embarrassed is a great way to build resentment. Snapping at curious on lookers is a great way to drive a wedge between two cultures and build the understanding in your kids that they are better than the people around them.
It’s not easy but striking the balance is key. Show your kids that they are your top priority but teach them to respond with respect and politeness. Even if the answer is, “no I don’t want to have my picture taken”, show them how to say it without anger and without causing a loss of face.
Bonus Tips
- Know your kids: With children feeling confused, terrified and helpless can look exactly the same as being a spoiled brat. As a parent your job is to know the difference and to provide guidance accordingly.
- Know China: Be a constant explorer of Chinese culture and never be satisfied with what you have learned. There is always more to it. The more you know the more equipped you will be to both help your kids make sense of the confusion and be gracious and respectful to your hosts.
- Know People: Sometimes it’s not a culture thing. People everywhere are both different and very much the same. Respect may be received and understood through cultural filters but once it is received it is universally powerful.
Tip #3: Chart Your Course
Answer this question: What are the skills, values and experiences that you want your kids to gain while they are in China?
Now lay the answer to that question on top of your timeline and you’ll have the basic framework for charting your course. It is two painfully simple elements:
- What do you want to happen?
- How long do you have to work on it?
There is no rocket science here but most people never do it. Carve out some time and think it through as a family on the front end of your China journey.
- Skills – What do you want your children to be able to do when they leave China that is best learned while you are there?
- Speak Chinese? Play Chinese Chess (the real kind)? Cook your favorite dishes?
- Values – What are the character traits that you want to be built into your kids through this experience?
- Respect for other cultures? Adventurous eating habits? Thinking globally?
- Experiences – What do you want your kids to experience first hand while you are living in China?
- Spring Festival with a Chinese family? Traveling to other parts of Asia? Serving people in poverty?
This is the kicker. None of these things just happens because you live in China. Thinking through your time at the beginning will help you determine what it takes to get them done and what the course of action is for ensuring that you hit your goals and help your kids grow through this time.
Tip #4: Relax — Your Kids are Safe(r)
There is a commonly held sentiment among many expat parents living in China that is hard to believe until you’ve experienced it yourself. Even among the space invaders, the hair touslers, the unsolicited advice givers, the incessant starers and the random strangers offering candy to your kids on the street . . . China often feels safer than home.
My disclaimer is this — there are bad people everywhere and you should protect your kids.
However China, generally speaking, has bragging rights when it comes to violent crime rates, predators and deviants. Granted I’m coming from America (which doesn’t fare so well on the Global crime stage) but here are some stats:
- The U.S. crime rates are 3 times higher than China
- Murder rates are nearly 5 times higher
- Robberies are 6 times higher
- 73% higher in” fear of being attacked”
- 81% higher in “fear of being robbed at home”
- 144% higher in drug related offenses
- China ranks 13th in in the world for “feeling safe walking alone at night” — The U.S. ranks 60th
stats from nationmaster.com
China has it’s own issues. Don’t be surprised if your pocket gets picked on a crowded bus or your bike gets stolen while your ordering a Big Mac but once you settle in and learn the rules you will likely enjoy less anxiety about creeps, lurkers and violent criminals than you do in most comparable urban areas around the world.
Tip #5: Let Your Kids Eat Seaweed and Chicken Feet
Simply put — don’t coach your kids on what is gross or weird or disgusting or “normal”. If health or safety or morality is not an issue then let them explore and arrive at their own conclusions. They’ll figure it out and develop some important life skills in the process.
Food is part of it but there is also a bigger picture. Depending on their age and experience they have the opportunity to draw from the best parts of at least two different cultures (often more). As a kid that experience translates into a broader palate and some really cool experiences but it grows up into the ability to be a bridge between entire groups of people who might otherwise struggle to understand each other.
The world needs more people like that.
Your kid is learning to judge based on how much you wrinkle your nose.
Wrinkle sparingly.
Tip #6: Lead the Way
Want your kids to love their time in China? Then love your time in China.
It’s a simple formula really. They are programmed to take their cues from you.
When you have a bad day and blame it on China they will learn to do the same. When you yell at people for staring they’ll know that staring is rude but yelling is ok. When you withdraw and crawl under a rock they’ll make a mental note about how to deal with stress.
Want them to learn Chinese? Learn Chinese. Want them to be adventurous? Be adventurous. Want them to make Chinese friends?
You get the picture.
There’s no guarantee that China will be great for them but the chances of that happening are astronomically higher if it’s great for you.
Lead on.
We’re really just scratching the surface here but if this is helpful spend some time chatting about it with your family.
If you know someone who is raising (or is about to raise) kids in China, pass it on.
And if you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy — What tips do you have for raising kids in China?
Peace of Mind for the China Expat
These tips were written as a guest post for my great friends at Having a Baby in China.com If parenting in China is or ever will be a part of your life you need to check out this site. Tons of practical resources, great advice and genuine support.
Seriously. Go there. Right now. You’re Welcome.
May 30, 2014 |
Leaving is hard. Being left is harder.
Transition is a huge part of life for an expat. That’s understood. By the time you sign on you’ve wrapped your head around the fact that you’re about to trade normal for unknown. Returning home is the same story with a twist. There are seminars for all of that.
What they don’t tell you in the brochure, however, is that the transition never stops. Expat communities are a revolving door and just about the time you start to adjust to your new found normal, people leave, and your normal changes again.
It’s the Expat Exodus . . . transient people coming and going. Tough all around.
Go here for some thoughts on going home (or elsewhere) after life abroad:
The often unmentioned casualties in the whole story however, are neither coming nor going. They are staying.
The Stayers pain is less pronounced, less expected and less acknowledged than those who are leaving. They’re not packing up and saying goodbye in a frenzied mess of dinners and parties and awkward, intentional eye contact. They’re also not freaking out about the next thing, the new job, the overwhelming inevitables that are coming at the end of a long painful plane ride.
But when the goodbyes are over and the repats are gone . . . there they stand . . . in the exact same spot . . .
No exciting “next chapter.” No happy family reunions. No big adventure. Everything exactly the same only much different.
Staying is the only expat transition with no honeymoon period.
Leaving is hard on Stayers.
Here are 10 Tips for Staying Well:
Tip #1: RAFT’s are not Just for Coming and Going
I am a monster fan of Dr. David Pollock’s model for transitioning well known as Building a RAFT (Google it). It’s so simple and yet so comprehensive.
It is brilliant for people beginning their expat journey. Brilliant again for those ending it.
Unfotunately it is all but ignored for Stayers.
Reconciliation • Affirmation • Farewell • Think Ahead
Don’t let people you love leave without walking through this process for yourself . The beauty of such a transient life is the natural growth of a phenomenal, global network of true friendships. Expats get to know people all over the world. Leaving broken bits of relationship unattended to weakens that network. Communicating — VERY SPECIFICALLY — how much you appreciate people makes it crazy strong.
Build a RAFT even if you’re not going anywhere.
Tip #2: Flip the Manual Override Switch
Some people are phenomenal at gushing from the inside out. They are naturally transparent and affectionate and so easily expressive it hurts. This tip is not for you. Sorry you only get 9. You may skip to #3.
The rest of us live on the flip side of that universe. We start sensing (consciously or otherwise) that something bad is about to happen. Our internal systems go on red alert and start shutting down. We ignore. We pretend. We may even drum up some conflict to make it less painful to let go.
Catch it early and force yourself to do what is NOT natural. Go manual. Say the things you want to say. Get all awkward and nervous but don’t miss your window because it didn’t “feel” right. And don’t make the excuse of “ehh they know how I feel.” They do not. People are dense.
Bonus tip: It’s ok to acknowledge awkward: Laugh about it. Make a joke about it. Sing a song about it (seriously, I met a guy who couldn’t work up the nerve to say good goodbyes so he grabbed his guitar and spontaneously sang songs to everyone in the room to tell them how he felt – genius). The point is, when it’s over they need to genuinely know how you feel.
Read this blog post: My Head in the Clouds – If You’re Staying — Great advice for how you can love on your departing friends. Good stuff.
Tip #3: Go Away and Come Back
There are dismal days after the Exodus. Personally it was always gut-wrenching for me to walk around my apartment complex and be painfully aware of who was NOT there and who was never coming back. It’s like a ghost town but that sense is exaggerated in the moment. I personally think it’s fair to change your scenery for a bit if your schedule and budget allow it. Take your family and go visit one of the spots you’ve been wanting to see. Grab some friends (if there are still some near) and hop a train to anywhere.
I don’t think it’s running away to run away briefly. Give yourself a few days (or weeks?) to get your mind on something else BUT (underlined because this is a huge but) don’t stay gone (physically or mentally). Make a plan to re-engage your real life. Don’t pretend nothing is different . . . but take a break.
Tip #4: Schedule your first Skype Call
Goodbyes are saturated with good intentions. Non specific, ambiguous, unscheduled plans generally don’t ever happen.
“Keep in touch.”
“Talk to you soon.”
“Can’t wait to Skype.”
“Call us when you get there.”
All great thoughts but unlikely in the context of life. Especially the life that your departing friends are about to encounter. You don’t have to schedule the next six months worth of weekly calls. But get the first one on the books. Figure out the time zone difference. Know where they’re going to be and when . . . and schedule it. That first chat will be sweet. Increase the liklihood of it actually happening.
Tip #5: Grief is Not Just for Dying
Transition = Loss = Grief. Leaving or being left is not death. It’s not the same kind of pain.
That said, when something has been a rich part of your life and then it is no longer there, what often happens is very accurately defined as grief. This is the kind of grief that sneaks up on you and smacks you from behind because you weren’t expecting it. They didn’t die. You didn’t get divorced. The traditional grief rules don’t apply here but it’s the real deal and grief is a process.
Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance
Now is a good time to study up on grief. You’ll not only give yourself the freedom to go through the process but you’ll make a little sense out of what is happening to you. Grief is a real thing. Don’t be ashamed about that and do everything (underlined for emphasis) you can to get the support you need.
Bonus Tip: Scroll through the comment sections of the links listed above (Ten Tips for Leaving and Landing). There are some really rich and vulnerable accounts of people who have dealt with the grief of transition. Also some great extra tips and advice.
Tip#6 Get All Creative
Here’s my dream project that we haven’t done yet because we’ve been renting and landlords get kind of grumpy about stuff like this. We paint a wall somewhere in our home with a world map. The whole wall. It’s huge (in my dream).
Then we hang pictures of all of our friends according to where they live in the world (at last count we had friends from 37 countries). We also paint the countries that we have traveled to a different color and put pictures of our trips. Then we paint the countries that we want to go to. How cool would that be?
This is what I want to happen as a result of my Global dream wall:
- We are reminded every day of how awesome our expat experience was.
- We never forget about those friends.
- We never stop being a global family (big fear of mine right now)
- We celebrate as a family when we get to hang new pictures and paint new countries.
- We’ve got a huge conversation piece that let’s us talk about our story.
That’s one idea but there must be a billion more. Get crazy creative to help yourself (and your family) not lose touch with the pieces of your life that have moved on. Share your ideas in the comment section.
Tip #7: Michael W. Smith Was Wrong
Sorry – I know not everyone reading this grew up in the American, Christian 80’s like I did but if you did it’s likely that you have a love hate relationship with the song (it’s hard to even type it) . . .
Friends are Friends Forever
We sang this song at every camp, every graduation and every youth event we attended for at least a decade. Each time the result was the same — dozens of violently weeping teenagers locked up in a gigantic group hug . . . then we played it again because whatever it was we were doing . . . was over and we couldn’t bear the thought.
Before I digress let me just take issue with one line . . .
“But we’ll keep you close as always . . . it won’t even seem (short pause) you’ve gone . . . “
Nope. Not true.
When they leave, it most certainly does seem like they’ve gone and they are nowhere near as close as always.
It’s a great thought, but in the interest of closing the gap between expectations and reality. I thought you should know.
Tip #8: It doesn’t Get Better
Geesh. This blog post is depressing. Sorry.
I talk to a boatload of expats. All of them hate June (click here to find out more) but the ones who have the hardest time with people leaving are not the rookies, they’re the vets. The 15+ crowd are the ones who ball like babies and say, “I am SO SICK OF GOODBYES!!”
You’d think they might have it figured out by now but they don’t. Scratch that — some of them do — but for the ones who really get Tip #9, it never gets better. In fact it gets worse every year.
Tip #9: Never Stop Engaging
Saying Goodbye is hard. It’s crummy actually (pardon my harsh language) and frankly saying goodbye to multiple friends every year (not just in June) can wear on a person. It is normal and common to become callous. Whether you consciously make the decision or not your brain is smart enough to make the connection without you.
“If I don’t get close to these new people, it won’t hurt so bad when they leave.”
Ding, ding, ding . . . you, my friend have figured it out. The secret to the painless expat life.
One catch. Write this down and then underline it . . .
It hurts because it is good.
The better it is, the more it hurts. You can absolutely save yourself massive amounts of pain by not engaging in new relationships but as a trade off you will miss even more massive amounts of really good stuff.
And that’s only looking at it from a selfish perspective. Long termers who hurt deeply when people leave have inevitably poured their lives into people who have grown by knowing them. Those who figure out the secret, on the other hand, become bitter, closed off and have little impact.
Your choice.
Bonus Tip: Don’t be who you’re not. You may be a total introvert. Staying engaged doesn’t mean you need to sign on to be the community welcomer extraordinaire. However, when you are engaging at a level that is lower than your norm, you might be headed the wrong direction.
Tip #10. (Wanna’ Guess?) Grace — Give it Freely and Keep Some for Yourself
- When you’re departing bestie makes up a reason to be mad at you so it won’t hurt so bad to say goodbye. Give her some grace.
- When a RAFTing departer “forgives” you for something you didn’t even know you did. Give him some grace.
- When you thought they were going to Skype and they didn’t. Grace.
- When someone plays “Friends are Friends Forever” at the goodbye dinner. Grace.
- When the new people think they can just come right in and be your friends. Give them some grace and just be their friend.
- When you watch your fourth good friend of the year wave from airport security and disappear . . . it’s for you too . . . Whatever happens next, give yourself some grace.
It hurts because it’s good. (underlined because it’s true)
If you are a Stayer, I hope this helps.
If you know a Stayer, please pass this on.
If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy. Add your tips. What worked for you?
May 27, 2014 |
“The process of coming home after living abroad is simple and stress free.”
This is a quote from NO ONE . . . EVER.
At least no one who has ever actually attempted the fine, fine art of repatriation. As a follow up to “Leaving Well: 10 Tips” I wanted to add some thoughts about what happens after the plane lands. Prepping for your departure and closing out your expat experience before you leave is SO important. It is also fully exhausting. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and parentally (if applicable) EX – HAUST – ING.
Here’s the kicker. The only buffer between the exhaustion of the last thing and the exhaustion of the next thing is the trip between the two.
Bonus tip A: Take the longest flight you can find.
Sooner or later though . . . you have to land.
Here are ten tips for Landing Well.
Tip #1: Plan the After Party
It is perfectly fair for the people who love you and have missed you to want to celebrate your homecoming. Depending on your personality and, quite frankly, the personalities of the people who love and missed you these reunions can range from refreshing and wonderful to overwhelming and painful. Generally some mix of all of those.
Bonus tip B: Brace for Paradox
The initial “woohoos” are survivable. The dinners, the hugging, the slightly offensive jokes about that place that you called home less than a week ago . . . you can do it. You might even enjoy it and even if you don’t, it will be over soon enough.
The bigger issue is what do you do next?
I recommend taking a timeout. Plan some time to process the reality of your new life. Detox from the experience of back to back goodbyes and hellos in the context of high anxiety and jetlag. Pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and enjoy a very, very select group of people restricted to you, your family (who are also transitioning) and people from tip #2.
Granted, time off or away can be cost and schedule prohibitive but this is a worthwhile investment if you can do it. It could be two days locked up at home or two weeks on a beach. However you do it you’ll be much more ready to start figuring out what normal looks like when you’ve taken a break.
Photos courtesy of Dan Kennedy (aka Safe Haven #1)
Tip #2: Know Your Safe Havens
Some people just get it. They get you. Often (but not always) they’ve been right where you are and they can still feel your pain. They understand the paradox of what you are feeling and they are eager to help you through the process.
You need to know who those people are. They’re the ones who will keep you sane.
Here’s what to look for:
- They ask questions that they actually want to know the answers to. Then they ask more questions.
- They understand (instead of assuming) what is going on inside of you.
- They listen to your stories without thinking up a better one while you talk.
- They share great stories at the right time and it’s helpful.
- They understand that you can still love your country and be overwhelmed by it at the same time.
- They roll their eyes with you more than at you.
Just a few thoughts to help you spot them but you’ll know them when they come around. Spend time with these people. It will be as energizing as it is therapeutic.
Tip #3: Pace Yourself
There is something sweetly unique about the first few months after landing. You’ve missed so much and now you’re back. You can read. You know the language. It’s pretty normal to be excited about your new found accessibility. You may also find yourselves needing to restock your lives. We sold everything when we went to China. Then we sold everything again when we came back. We felt like we had a lot of catching up to do. Maybe you will too but you don’t have to do it all at once.
Pace yourself.
Specifically (but not restricted to) these 3 areas:
- Food: No matter how long it’s been since you’ve had a good cheeseburger, you don’t have to eat them all right now. Pace yourself.
- Money: You will get into trouble quick if you try to catch up immediately with what your friends have accumulated while you were away. Pace yourself. Just for a while.
Bonus Tip C: Enjoy the freedom of a season with less stuff.
- Time: Everything takes longer in transition. You can’t do everything you want to right away. Take your time and focus your attention where it is needed. You’ll get there, but pace yourself.
Read more about that here: Rock, Paper, Scissors: Helping Kids Thrive in Transition
Tip #4: Do a Values Inventory
“What are the top ten most important things in your life and why?”
You are not alone if your answer to that question shifted while you lived abroad. Seeing your own culture from an outside perspective changes things. It doesn’t mean you’ve let go of your high values but you may have discovered that some pieces weren’t really as vital as you once felt they were.
I’m being vague on purpose. Maybe that’s not fair.
- How about your politics? What happened when you saw how other parts of the world feel about your country?
- What about your faith? How did worshipping in a different context (maybe even a different language) shake or strengthen the perspective you had always known?
I could go on . . .
- How did living in community impact how you discipline your kids?
- How did witnessing poverty rock your world?
- How did your experience change how you view education?
- How did falling in love with nationals destroy your stereotypes?
- How did studying a new language give you empathy?
- How did living abroad change your paradigm of the world?
It happens. You are really not alone.
However, this is the tough part . . . Your friends who stayed right where they were, probably didn’t experience the same shift. Why would they?
Do you see the potential for friction here? You are so wise.
Taking inventory of your highest values and how they have shifted will prepare you for interacting with people. Knowing what is really important will give you a good sense of which conversations are best ignored and which one merit speaking up.
Bonus Tip D: Fight Feelings of Enlightenment
Tip #5: Allow People a Frame of Reference
“Wow, that is a really cool story about China. That’s just like when I went to France in high school.”
Nope. It’s not.
People have a frame of reference for anything different than their norm based on the most similar part of their own experience. They will get as close as they can but sometimes . . . “nope.”
Repeat after me, “It’s ok.”
Their frame may be horribly off but so is yours . . . about something. Try talking to a nuclear physicist (unless you are one). “Wow, that’s a great story about nuclear fusion. That’s just like when I dropped the mentos in some diet coke.”
Nope. It’s not.
You can see these interactions as a chance to politely broaden a frame of reference or just get irritated. The first one is better for your blood pressure.
Bonus Tip E: Not everyone wants to have their frame broadened. Repeat after me, “It’s ok.”
Tip #6: It’s OK to Love Two Places
“Man, I don’t know how you lived over there. I bet you’re glad to be home.”
I think this (frequently shared) statement can be more internally conflicting and frankly hard to respond to than any other.
I am so glad to be home but I was so glad to be there as well. There were some hard parts about living there but there are some hard parts about living here too. There were a lot of days “over there” that I missed home but there are days here when I feel something remarkably similar.
Loving where you lived as an expat doesn’t mean you love your homeland even the slightest bit less. Don’t feel guilty when you feel homesick at home.
Tip #7: Smooth Does Not Equal Easy
I see a LOT of people in transition. I teach this stuff. I know what a rough transition looks like. Ours has not been that. In fact ours has been as smooth as they come.
We had phenomenal Safe Havens who set us up and took care of everything we could ever need. They found our apartment, stocked it with food and furniture, picked us up at the airport, celebrated us, let us hide, listened to our stories and shared their own. Since then we have made other great relationships. We have a great church, our kids are in great schools getting great grades and making great friends. Zero major challenges. Which is also great.
Smooth.
And yet. It has still been hard.
We’ve needed to learn a new city while we figure out how to be American again. We’ve been overwhelmed by the cereal aisle and disgusted by the evening news. Some days . . . lots of days . . . we feel completely out of place. Like foreigners in a very familiar land.
Smooth is a good deal. We’ll take it. If you get the chance, you should too. But know going in that smooth doesn’t equal easy.
Tip #8: Swim Upstream
There is a looming fear in so many returning expats (myself included) that we will somehow slip back into the people that we were before this wonderful experience. It’s a fear that we might just get caught up in the hype and the rat race of “normal” life to the point that we forget about how we have been changed.
- A fear that I will view my nations politics as more viable and important than any other nations.
- A fear that I will forget about what its like to worship with people from all over the world.
- A fear that I will revert to my stereotypes and my previous frame of reference.
- A fear that I’ll never learn Chinese again because I don’t need to.
- A fear that my kids will only see poverty on TV and never learn to empathize.
- A fear that we will forget how to need other people because we are so freakishly independent.
- A fear of becoming typical.
The harsh reality is. These fears are legit.
Left alone there is a high chance that all of these things will happen. My encouragement to you (and to myself) is to make decisions and then RESOLVE to make them happen.
Maintaining expat relationships . . . doesn’t just happen.
Traveling back . . . costs a lot of money.
Learning more language . . . not much motivation.
Needing people . . . harder than just doing it on my own.
Whatever it is that you want to hold onto will be a conscious and intentional decision followed up by a solid bit of determination. Swim upstream.
Tip #9: It’s a Better Adventure Than a Struggle
Do I really need to explain that one?
Bonus Tip F: Perspective changes everything.
Tip #10: Grace – Give it Freely and Keep Some for Yourself
- When someone says, “you lived in Japan? My neighbor is Korean.” Give her some grace.
- When someone says, “you lived in Germany? Heil Hitler!” Give him some grace.
- When someone says, “you lived in China? Oh my gosh, were you persecuted?” Grace.
- When someone says, “you lived in Africa? That is so cool, say something in African.” Grace.
- When no one says anything, and you really wish they would. Grace.
- When you snap, or cry, or crawl into a hole . . . it’s for you too . . . Give yourself some grace.
Landing is hard . . . sometimes because it was supposed to be easy. As you leave and after you land grace is key.
Bonus tip G: Grace Again (worth repeating)
If you are packing up or already home, I hope this helps.
If you are welcoming friends who are returning home . . . read #2
If you know someone who is packing up or transitioning now, please pass this on.
If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy. Add your tips. What worked for you?
One more for those you who always say goodbye and never leave – Staying Well: 10 Tips for Expats Who are Left Behind
May 22, 2014 |
It’s that time of year again. Leaving time.
This is the time when thousands of individuals and families who have spent time living in a foreign country, will pack it up and call it a day. If you’ve never been that person you may be surprised that there is a specific high season for leaving but if you call yourself a foreigner I probably just struck a chord. Even if you’re staying right where you are the annual Expat Exodus is a tough time.
Click here to see why expats hate June
If you are leaving, I feel your pain. I was you exactly one year ago. After 7 years in China we found ourselves packing up, saying goodbyes and downsizing the full sum of our family’s possessions into 8 suitcases. To call it a high stress time doesn’t even come close.
Here are ten tips that we have picked up on the journey.
Tip #1: Make a Plan
Seriously. The last days of your expat experience are inevitably going to be chaotic. Your schedule will get crammed with unexpected details and all of the things you really want to do run the risk of being pushed out. The day you wanted to spend with your closest friends will get squeezed by your well meaning 15th closest friends who “need” to take you out to dinner. You get stuck regretting that you missed a lost opportunity with your #1’s or feeling like an absolute jerk to your #15’s.
It all works better with a plan. Start as early as you can. Include appropriate time for your 15’s but reserve your best time for your 1’s.
Take an hour. A day. A weekend. Write it out. Make a spreadsheet. Draw a picture. Whatever works for you but make a plan.
Tip #2: Build a RAFT
One of the simplest and most brilliant plans for transitioning well was developed by the late Dr. David Pollock. It’s called building a RAFT (genius). Paying attention to these four areas can mean the difference between success or failure, flopping or thriving, great memories or horrible regrets. Way too much for one blog post but you should Google it (Try “Pollock RAFT”).
Here’s the short version of what goes into a RAFT:
Reconciliation: Strained or broken relationships don’t go away when you do. Make it right.
Affirmation: People are dense. Don’t assume they know how much impact they have had on your life. Say it well.
Farewell: Different people need different goodbyes. Think beyond people (places, pets and possessions too).
Think Destination: Even if you’re going “home”, much has changed. Brace yourself. Think forward.
Tip #3: Leave Right Now
When are you leaving? June 6th? 15th? 21st?
Chances are you answer that question with the date on your plane ticket. Fair enough and technically correct but if you think you are leaving when you get on the plane you’re missing something really important.
Leaving is a PROCESS — not an event.
You started leaving when you made the decision to go and you will be leaving even as you settle in to your next home. Everything you do as you prepare for the airplane is a part of the process. Each meal with friends, each walk around the city, each trip to the market, each bumbling foreigner mistake are all pieces of the process which is closing out your full expat experience.
You are leaving now.
Tip #4: Give Your Best Stuff Away
What to do with the things you can’t take with you is always an issue. Don’t be surprised when the non-leaving expats come crawling out of the woodworks to lay claim on your toaster oven or your bicycle. Opening your home for a “rummage” sale may be a good way to sneak in some good goodbyes. Posting pictures online or sending an email may get you a better price with less work.
Consider this though — Giving your stuff away might just be a great way to add some gusto to your goodbyes. Giving your BFF something that you could sell for a lot of money can be a powerful expression of how much you value their friendship. It’s not about price. It’s about value. Maybe it’s a cheap trinket with a special memory attached. Even better but give something more than your leftover ketchup and mop bucket.
Tip #5: Photo Bomb Everything
Go crazy with the pictures. Pictures are what you’re going to be looking at twenty years from now when you can barely remember what life was like way back then. There is no better way to capture great events. More than that though, pictures can become the event themselves. Grab your friends, your camera and hit the town like supermodels. Go to your favorite spots. Eat your favorite foods. Take a thousand pictures (that’s a conservative number) and laugh until it hurts.
You’ll love yourself for doing it in 20 years.
Too crazy for your blood? Tone it down and hire a photographer to do a photo shoot for you and your friends. Then go to dinner.
Picture events can be a great way to say goodbye to your friends and the memories will last for decades.
Tip #6: Rank Your Friends
You read me right. Don’t be afraid to rate your friends from best to worst. Write down everyone you know and tag a number on them. Your highest ranking friends need a special level of your attention as you leave. In contrast you don’t need to do dinner with people if you don’t know their name.
Here’s an example but make it your own
Closest Friends — Quality time alone – Go away for the weekend
Close friends — Go to dinner individually
Good Friends — Go out as a small group
Friends — Invite to a going away party
Acquaintances — Send an email about your departure
Stupid People — Walk the other way when you see them
Important sidenote – Once you have your plan you should destroy all evidence that you ever ranked your friends. Seriously. What kind of person are you? Jerk.
Tip #7: Don’t Fret the Tears or the Lack Thereof
Know what’s really common as you pack up to shift every piece of your life to a different part of the planet and say goodbye to people and places you have grown to love deeply?
Emotion.
Know what else is common?
Lack of emotion.
Strange I know but people are different. Crying makes sense. There is plenty to cry about. However, wanting to cry and not being able to is every bit as normal. Maybe it’s because you’ve already cried yourself out. Maybe it’s because the hard part for you was the process of deciding to leave and you spent all your emotion there. Maybe you just can’t wait to get out.
Whatever the reason — don’t feel guilty for weeping like a baby . . . or for not.
Tip #8: Get specific
When you are telling people how much they mean to you don’t settle for the generic version:
“Hey, (punch on the shoulder) you really mean a lot to me.”
Where I come from, that would pass for good, solid, heartfelt, transparent affirmation. Almost too mushy. But try setting that statement aside for a moment and lead with the specifics.
- What have they done that means so much to you?
- How has that impacted your life?
- What qualities have they shared that you are taking with you?
- What are some specific examples?
- How are you a better person for knowing them?
THEN finish with . . . “and you really mean a lot to me.”
People are dense. Don’t assume they know how you feel.
Bonus Tip: You get extra points for being awkward. Make eye contact. Go for broke.
Tip #9: Do Your Homework
What’s the protocol for checking out of your apartment complex?
What’s the penalty for breaking your lease?
What immunizations and paperwork does your cat need to fly home with you?
Does he need to be quarantined? Before you leave? After you arrive?
How do you close out your bank account? Your cell phone?
What’s the weight limit for luggage on your airline? What’s the penalty for going over?
This list goes on and on and only bits and pieces of it are relevant to you. But in the masterful words of G.I. Joe, “Knowing is half the battle.”
A little homework early can save you a huge headache and a boatload of cash during an already stressful time.
Tip #10: GRACE — Give it freely and keep some for yourself
When your good friend finds out you’re leaving and asks if he can have your TV . . . Give him some grace.
When your kids don’t know how to process so they just fight . . . Give them some grace.
When your husband shuts down and doesn’t talk for a day . . . Give him some grace.
When your wife explodes for “no reason” . . . Grace.
When your landlord tries to milk you for some extra money . . . Grace.
When the whole community doesn’t even seem to care that you’re leaving . . . Grace.
When your #15 asks if she can ride to the airport with you and your #1 . . . Grace.
When someone offers you half what your asking for your Christmas tree . . . Grace.
When you fall apart and snap on your friends, your kids, your spouse or the lady trying to steal your Christmas tree . . . it’s for you too . . . Grace.
Leaving is hard. There’s really no way around it. People whom you love dearly will inevitably and with the best of intentions, say and do very stupid things. So will you.
Grace.
If you are packing up, I hope this helps.
If you know someone who is packing up, please pass this on.
If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy. Add your tips. What worked for you?
Click here for Part 2 about what happens after the plane ride: Landing Well — 10 More Tips on Repatriating With Dignity
And here for Part 3 about saying goodbye and going nowhere: Staying Well — 10 Tips for Expats Who Are Left Behind
Jan 22, 2014 |
Welcome to part 3 of a 3 parter. Congratulations, you are almost finished.
Let’s review.
There are three keys to helping your kids thrive through transition. They are Rock, Paper and Scissors.
1. Rock = Stability: (click here) “There can be tremendous stability in a home that is in consistent transition when kids know . . . really know . . . that some things never change.”
2. Paper = Your Story: (click here) “Creatively keeping track of your story will give your kids a healthy connection to the pieces that they have let go of.”
Now for the Scissors.
Drumroll . . .
Scissors = Simplicity (I have already said too much)
Simply put (pun intended), cut some things out and trim some things down.
Two simple principles
1. Everything is bigger in transition (except you)
There is a rhythm to life on auto pilot that is disrupted by major transition. Consequently every event, every challenge, every part of every day life takes up more space and carries more weight.
2. Your kids need you to be healthy more than they need you to help them
There is a profound brilliance to the inflight safety instructions that you ignore every time you fly. You know, that part about the unlikely event of losing cabin pressure. “If you are traveling with a child, secure your mask first, and then assist the child.” Point being, you can’t help your kids if you’re passed out on the airplane floor.
More than anything, kids in transition need parents who are transitioning well. (Pay attention, this is good) We cannot transition well if we are pretending that nothing has changed. Everything has changed. Everything is bigger. Except you.
Going to the doctor is bigger. Why? Because you have to find a doctor. Then fill out the first time forms. Then go through all of the first time pleasantries and get to know you’s. Do we have your charts? Do we have your insurance card? Do you smoke, drink, exercise, gamble, skydive? How many days a week do you eat fried foods? The whole event is bigger.
Shopping is bigger. New grocery store. Where are the pickles? They should be right here. That’s where they were at the old place. Why would they not put the pickles right here? Bigger.
Cooking dinner is bigger. Honey, where do we put the skillets now?!!
Everything is bigger and there is more of it . . . except you. You are the same and you cannot carry the same load that you are used to because everything in the load . . . say it with me . . . is bigger. For your own sake (which is very much for the sake of your children) . . .
It is time to simplify.
Two simple questions
1. What can you cut out?
What are the things that you can do without temporarily? Not forever. Just until life is normal again.
2. What can you trim down?
Maybe you can’t get rid of it altogether but you can make it smaller and less consuming.
Some Simple Thoughts on Simpleness
1. Get Crystal Clear on your Values
Knowing what is important is the first step to cutting out and trimming down. Another way to say that is, if it’s not important don’t do it. Make your short list of the most important things in your life and filter everything through that list.
2. Don’t Justify Your Busyness with Your Values
If your kids are not on your short list you should go back and give that another shot. However, volunteering to be the President of the Parents and Teachers Organization which meets every Tuesday night and one Saturday morning a month may not be the best choice as you transition. You could easily justify it though. After all, you want your kids, whom you love very much, to have a good education and the best way to ensure that is to get involved right?
“Absolutely right” . . . said the parent who then passed out on the airplane floor.
Get your mask on first. Then join the PTO.
3. Think Long Term
Transition is a season. It won’t be like this forever. Just because you don’t have space for it right now doesn’t mean you won’t later. You might make a fine president next year but for now focus on the highest values.
4. Get Comfortable Saying No
Depending on the community that you are transitioning into you may suffer from “fresh meat syndrome”. Some communities (especially smaller and over worked ones) get hyper excited when new people arrive. They may have you pre-volunteered to be the basketball coach, the Sunday School teacher or errand boy before you ever ride into town. Know your limits and politely decline.
If you need to blame it on your kids go for it. People understand that. “You know, I’d really love to but we’re kind of transitioning right now and my kids really need some extra attention from me.”
Boom. 1000% true and socially acceptable.
5. Own Less Stuff
Transition can be a good time to enjoy the simplicity of the necessities. We are in the process of restocking our lives and finding ourselves pleasantly surprised by how little we really need. Stuff can be helpful but it can also mean a lot of maintenance and a lot a distraction that we just don’t have space for right now.
Transition has given us the opportunity to purge on a number of occasions. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend selling all of your things but if you find yourself in the process of rebuilding it can be a wonderful time to enjoy the natural peace and quiet of fewer things.
6. Rest Well
Sleep, or the lack thereof, makes everything smaller. If you’re not getting adequate rest you have less ability to concentrate, remember, tolerate stress and apply the wealth of wisdom that is in your brain to any given challenge. In short, you are less of a person (no offense). Add transition to that and you are less of a person trying to carry more of a load. Unfortunately the heavier load may be the reason you’re not getting sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.
Step one: Go to bed.
7. Unplug
I am no righteous soapboxer on this one. I love movie night. We pay monthly for Netflix. I have employed both the Wonderpets and Kung Fu Panda as a babysitter. I am not anti-electricity . . . however . . . I will provide a strong testimony to the fact that our best family moments are unplugged. They come around a dinner table or playing some ridiculous game.
Those are the times that we get to see inside of our kid’s amazing little minds. That’s when we really know how this whole transition thing is going for them.
8. Have a Plan
Everything runs smoother with a plan. The hours of your life that will be wasted trying to make decisions on the fly can often be saved by thinking it through for a few minutes before you begin. If you’re an average parent of average school age kids you are lucky to get three hours with them in the evening before it is time for bed.
Not having a plan looks like this:
Dad: “What do you want to eat?”
Mom: “I don’t care, what do you want?”
Kid 1: “MCDONALDS!!!”
Kid 2: “NO PIZZA!!”
Kid 1: NO!! MCDONALDS”
Dad: “We are not having Mcdonalds! We just had Mcdonalds last night!!”
Kid 2: “YEEAAHH!! PIZZA!!
Kid 1: DAAAAAADDD!!
Mom: “I don’t really feel like pizza.”
Kid 2: “MAAAHHHHHMMMM!!”
Dad: “Let’s just eat something at home.”
Kids 1 & 2: “NNOOOO!!! WE NEVER GO OUT TO EAT!!!
Mom: “THAT’S ENOUGH!! WE ARE EATING AT HOME!! IT’S HEALTHIER AND WE CAN WATCH TV WHILE WE EAT AND I’M THE MOTHER AND I SAY SO!!!”
Dad: “Yes. Settled. Eating at home. What do you want?”
Mom: I don’t care, what do you want?”
Even if the plan was eat at McDonalds (and there should probably be another blog post about why you should never eat at McDonald’s during transition) you could get there, eat your meal and be home by the time this conversation ends.
Understand this is not simply about meal planning. Everything runs smoother with a plan. Thinking ahead will make your life much simpler.
The bottom line is that transition can be chaotic and what your kids need is you. You at your best. You at your healthiest. You focused on what is most important . . . breathing . . . and then helping them breath.
Dec 10, 2013 |
First things first – If you haven’t read part one of of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” you can click here to catch up
This blog post is built entirely on the foundation of two painful realities. The first is universally understood and the second should make sense soon.
1. Kids grow up too fast
2. Transition costs time
You rarely hear a parent complaining about how long it took to raise their children. Unless their kids are 42 and still living at home. That’s a different demographic. I’m talking about the parents who are lugging boxes and suitcases into a college dorm room while frantically quizzing their 18 year olds on every last bit of moral, legal and practical advice that they have ever offered from birth to the present moment. Those are the parents who will be standing in the university parking lot until midnight, stunned and confused because earlier that week they were pulling light bright pegs out of that kids nose and bribing them with chocolate to eat something green.
Kids grow up too fast.
The plot thickens with kids in transition. My daughter is 10 and has lived in 7 different cities in the US and China. Even though we are hoping to settle in for a while we are also currently living in a rented apartment while we look for a house . . . to rent while we look for a house to buy. Transition has been a huge part of our daughters life.
I would like to pause here to quote myself and then I will also make a confession:
“There can be tremendous stability in a home that is in consistent transition when kids know . . . really know . . . that some things never change.”
That was my statement in the first installment of this three parter and I’m sticking to it. I believe it and my wife and I are committed to living it.
However, I will also confess that each transition knocks the tar out of our normalness (now a word) and we become all but consumed with the pursuit of a new normal. It begins with the basics like, “where is the grocery store?” but it encompasses every part of a normal life.
- “How do we get around this city?”
- “Where is it safe? Where is it not safe?”
- “How do we hook up the internet? television? phone?”
- “How do we pay for our internet? television? phone?”
- “Where is the good food? the bad food? the cheap food, our favorite food?”
- “Where will be buy clothes? shoes? batteries? cold medicine?”
- “Where will our kids go to school?”
- “Who will their new friends be?”
- “Who will our new friends be?”
- “Where will we worship? Where will we go for fun? Where will we go on a date?”
Every no brainer from our previous normal state suddenly becomes a brainer all over again. Decisions take 7 times as long because we either have to Google it or phone a friend before we can form an even slightly educated judgment. The double whammy is that, while our home is still rock solid, it is anything but normal AND while we are living in this constant state of abnormality we are spending an exaggerated portion of our days trying to discover what our new normal would even look like.
Six months. A year. Two. I think it’s different for everyone but still I believe it is always true . . .
Transition costs time.
Meanwhile our kids are growing up too fast.
We can’t afford to be spending time finding normal when our kids are going to college next week. That’s where the paper comes in.
If Rock is STABILITY.
Paper is your STORY.
We have not yet given up our hopes of a machine (or at least an app) that causes time to stand still however, until that is released we don’t want to miss a thing. When this amazing adventure of our children’s youth is finished we want to be able to read the story over and over again in a dozen different ways. Fun ways. Creative ways.
Here’s what I’m discovering about telling your story through transition
- Telling your story can actually make the adventure more adventurous.
- Reflecting well can help your kids process transition.
- Creatively keeping track of your story will give your kids a healthy connection to the pieces that they have let go of.
- Seeing your whole story helps you stay focused on how great the story is versus how crummy your current transition is.
- Celebrating where you have been can get your kids (and you) excited about where your going.
- Really good storytelling is a form of stability.
- I am never letting my kids leave the house . . . you know . . . when we get a house.
And here are five suggestions of the practical sort (hint – don’t get hung up on the paper part, it’s a metaphor)
Some we have tried. Some we want to.
1. Spell your name
You’ve seen this right? City names spelled out using pictures of architectural landmarks that look like letters. We had a blast searching for “letters” at an ancient cultural landmark in the city where our daughter was born. We finally found them all — “JONES” (just in case you can’t make it out). We came away with a powerful memory from a once in a lifetime trip and a meaningful picture to hang on the wall. Boom.
For more about our adoption roots tour read these
2. Time Lapse Photography
Watching your kids grow right in front of your eyes may be painful but it could also be pretty cool. For homebodies, choosing a backdrop and snapping a quick pic once a year will leave you with a great line of pictures and an even greater set of memories. If you’re a regular transitioner, however, it may not really work to have your kids stand in front of the house on the last day of school every year since you may not own that same house next year and may be subject to arrest if the new owners press charges. Choose something you can carry with you. We have pictures of my daughter starting when she was three wearing one of my shirts. I think it will be funnier with my son to have one when he is 16 and wearing one of his own shirts from when he was three. Lots of options.
3. World Map Wall
If you’re a world traveler document it on your kids wall with the biggest world map you can find. Better yet, paint a whole wall with a world map. If your kids are TCK’s they have the luxury of seeing the world in relationships instead of stereotypes. It’s also likely that they have lots of people whom they love that don’t live near them. Print pictures of their friends and family and stick them on the map where they live. Circle the places you have traveled. Put a star by the places you want to travel. Poke pins in the airports they have been to. Go crazy. The whole thing will keep them connected to people they care about and let them celebrate the fact that they are global citizens.
4. Flag Brag Bags
Kids who travel have a sense of pride in their adventure. Why not let them show it off a bit? Every time your family travels to a new country order an iron on patch of that countries flag and let them put it on a special bag that they can carry with them. There are billions of such patches online and they are generally dirt cheap. You’ll be amazed at how excited your kids get when they are able to add a new patch. We went to Niagara Falls this summer and made absolutely sure that we crossed the bridge just so we could get our Canada patch.
Bonus tip: Two words will make you a hero. “Airports count”
5. This Day in History
I love this one especially for world travelers but it works for anyone. Wherever you are on your kids birthday, buy a newspaper. People pay money for those little books that tell you the price of fuel and who won the Nobel Peace Prize in the year you were born. How much better would it be if you had world, national and local news, weather and sports for every one of your birthdays?
My friends brother has such papers and lined up next to each other they make a timeline of his environment based on his birthday. The most interesting point is that he was born in America on September 11th. Starting in 2002 the front page showed roughly the same picture and gradually showed our country being able to move ahead. Somber but very cool.
I love that story because my son shares his birthday.
Think of it this way – when you finally leave the university parking lot and return to your empty nest . . . what do you want to look at while you wonder what just happened?
I’d love to hear how you are documenting the story of your kids who are growing up too fast -OR – How you did tell the story of your kids who already grew up too fast?
