Apr 21, 2015 |
Repatriating is weird.
It shouldn’t be but it is.
It should be awesome — and easy — and the complete redemption of every challenge, every irritation and every bumbling misadventure you have trudged through in your life as a foreigner. You are being unshackled from the chains of expat awkwardness and outsider fatigue.
Language barriers — gone. Cultural head scratching — no more. Mystery dishes — not on your plate. Awkward laughter to cover your embarrassment even though you have NO idea why you should be embarrassed (or laughing) — done with it.
You’re going back to normal. Your normal. Normal normal.
And there it is. The reason that repatriating is weird. Because it was supposed to be normal. Turns out . . . it’s not.
Your normal shifted while you were away. Theres a good chance (although the variables are different for every person) that your new normal IS communicating through a language barrier, scratching your head, eating the mystery dish (or finding a culturally acceptable reason not to) and awkward laughter.
Repats face a multi-layered challenge when they come “home”. One of those layers is tainted with the guilt of feeling like they should not be feeling like they are. There is a sense of isolation when we re-engage our communities.
Generally speaking, people don’t repatriate in herds. Maybe we should. Then we might know that we are actually quite normal.
For those without that luxury — here are some some things that DON’T make you weird.
1. Sensory Overload
Feeling overwhelmed by things that have never overwhelmed you before is not weird. This would make sense if you were only overwhelmed by bad things. You can brace for that impact, but it’s confusing to find yourself drowning in the things that you were most excited about coming back to.
Remember this — your senses (all of them) have grown accustomed to something different. You’ve adjusted the settings to respond to the realities of your foreign life. As an expat you have been hyper-tuned in, because if you’re not you’ll miss something important. In other ways you’ve completely checked out because you don’t understand and frankly you don’t need to.
It’s like when you’re watching TV and the sound is bad so you turn it up to 65.
Then you forget and change the channel. You just woke up the whole neighborhood.
It takes some time to readjust.
2. The Little Brother Syndrome
If you’ve got a little brother I don’t even need to explain this to you. They can annoy the pot out of you and, as the elder sibling, you reserve the right to pummel them. Wedgies, noogies, wet willies and forehead flicks are all perfectly acceptable means of retaliation (assuming parents are absent). HOWEVER — When Lester McNeederbottom down the street takes his lunch money . . . it’s on.
NOBODY messes with your kid brother but you.
Even if your expat experience was hard. Even if you slipped into a bad habit of whining and griping about every part of it. Even if you couldn’t wait to get home . . . you’ve connected.
So when somebody talks trash about your host country . . . it’s not weird to feel defensive.
3. Total Incompetence
I forgot how to use my bank card at the supermarket. I spent 10 minutes looking for the veggie “weigh station” before I remembered they don’t do that here. I couldn’t remember if U-turns were legal. I had no idea how to order at Chipotle.
This list goes on.
Trust me. Whatever is on your list. You are not alone.
4. Weird Withdrawals
Being the outsider has it’s challenges. As an expat you go through various stages of frustration with being the odd man out.
We got stared at. Pretty common for foreigners in China and to be fair . . . we’re kind of a walking freak storm. My wife and I are the garden variety, fair-skinned foreigners but our kids look NOTHING like us. Our daughter would blend in perfectly if she weren’t standing with us and our son (who has by far the darkest skin in the family and an awesome head of curly hair) doesn’t blend at all (with us or without us). We are totally worth staring at.
We grew pretty comfortable with the ogling but at times it was the most irritating part of our lives there.
So why in the world would I feel offended when people in my home country DON’T stare at my family?
I don’t know. But I did.
It’s pretty common to have withdrawals that make no sense at all.
5. Judgyness
When you see the place you have always called home through a different set of lenses you return to it with a different perspective.
“These people just don’t get it.”
“Everybody here thinks they’re the center of the universe.”
“If they could see what I’ve seen.”
“I used to think like that before I moved abroad.”
Faith, politics, education, business, office protocol, you name it. It’s all subject to a deeper scrutiny from those who have seen it from a different angle.
Here’s the catch. It is highly unlikely that you will notice yourself being more judgmental. You may, however, notice that everyone around you is wrong.
Side note — if everyone around you is wrong, you’re probably being more judgmental.
You are not the first.
6. Zero Self Discipline
It’s pretty exciting to come home to all of the guilty pleasures that you have missed so much. Consequently it’s not uncommon to find yourself substantially fatter and broker six months later.
It happens.
7. Missing your other language
Personally, I find this to be the most dysfunctional quirk in my own transition process. The only time I have ever had a deep yearning to really commit to learning a new language is when I have needed it the least. When I was in China I fluctuated between being a terrible student and a mediocre student.
Then I came home and found myself listening to Chinese podcasts and checking out new Chinese character memorization software.
Doesn’t make even a tiny bit of sense but I would bet that I’m not alone.
Anyone?
8. Feeling homesick at home
If “home” was clearly defined before you lived abroad you may be painfully confused on your return. Even if your host country is radically different from anything you ever experienced growing up, you may be shocked to discover you miss it like you’ve lived there forever.
The whole “home” conversation gets more complex if you grew up cross culturally but you knew that already. If that’s you, you’re well acquainted with being homesick even if you can’t identify where home is.
Whoever you are — there are many more like you.
9. Mourning
I tread lightly here. Clearly repatriation and death are not the same. That said, mourning is an absolutely legitimate part of this transition. It is healthy and natural.
The defining characteristic of grief is that it is a process. Mourning is not the same as venting. You don’t just get it out of your system one day and then “poof” it’s gone.
By acknowledging that this could be grief you’ll connect yourself to the many other repats who feel the same. Beyond that you might just get your eyes opened to people all around (even the “normal” ones) who are grieving many different flavors of loss.
They are all around.
10. Becoming self-centric
Repatriation is weird. We’ve covered that.
It’s a shock. It’s a process. It takes time and we feel alone while we are doing it.
We’ve had an adventure and we want to share it.
We’ve struggled and we want someone to feel bad for us.
We’ve been gone and we want to feel missed.
We’re behind and we want some help catching up.
We’ve changed and we want someone to notice.
We’ve got lots to say and we want someone . . . anyone . . . to listen.
And since we are the ONE in the crowd who has done something different, it’s easy to forget that we are not the only ONE — period.
The crowd matters.
“Home” changed too. They had an adventure while you were gone. Bad things happened. Good things happened. They missed you but they didn’t sit on the porch waiting for you to come home. They’ve changed. They’ve grown. They’ve got stories to tell and they might like you to show some interest as well. There’s even a strong chance they would love to hear about how much YOU missed THEM.
Don’t kick yourself.
If coming home has become all about you . . . you are definitely not alone.
What’s your story? Share it below and prove to the others that there are more like them out there.
Know a repat? Past, present or future? Pass this on. They may think they’re the only one.
Want to feel normal? Go here and read this legendary piece about repatriating by Naomi Hattaway: I am a Triangle
Want to meet more people like you? Go here and join the “I am a Triangle” Facebook Group which is FULL of people just like you. Told you that you’re not alone.
Apr 14, 2015 |
Introverts are finally getting a LOT of attention.
That’s pretty ironic.
So many writers are addressing the challenges that introverts face in a world built for extraverts. There is a trend . . . a wave . . . some would even call it a revolution of information that is calling our attention to the fact that we have designed our systems to reward the outgoing and overlook the quietly reserved.
The dilemma is this . . . even if this is a true, game changing revolution it will likely take years to have a deep and lasting impact on the broader expat world which is generally at least two steps removed (he says generously) from the mainstream . . . and if it is just a trend then it will likely run it’s course and fizzle before the expats really get to taste it.
More irony — I don’t believe I have seen a social dynamic more blasted by the disparity between the outies and the innies than the expat world . . . specifically expat teams.
Groups of people gathered for a common purpose, living in community and sharing in the paradox of life as foreigners can be painfully, unequally stacked against the introvert. Team building games, mandatory social events, round table decision making, professional development exercises — teams are built on obligatory social engagement from day one.
“Hey team . . . let’s do an ICE BREAKER. You’re gonna’ love this! Tie your shoelaces together, put two ping pong balls in your mouth, jump around the room and talk to EVERY SINGLE person until you find the three who have birthdays closest to yours. Then you have five minutes to prepare a mock synchronized swimming routine to “Love Shack” which you will perform in front of the WHOLE team who will then judge you according to originality, enthusiasm and your weight.”
“Ready? Go!”
Even More irony — The rest of this post is specifically for introverts but they just broke into hives and quit reading. We’ll get em’ next time.
I spend a lot of time with expat teams and this issue ALWAYS comes up. Here are some thoughts from those conversations and from years of marriage to the most beautiful introvert on the planet:
1. Introverts add HUGE value to a team
Through all of the challenges, frustrations and hives — you bring tremendous worth to the team dynamic. Someone needs to think before they speak. Someone needs to say nothing when there is genuinely nothing to say. Someone needs to NOT jockey for position, battle to be heard or chase rabbits around every single topic. You are a support to the extravert, to be sure, but if the team is healthy the extravert will recognize your value and also be a support to you.
2. Extraverts ALSO add HUGE value
Lest you get cocky. Someone also needs to speak up. Someone needs to say something . . . anything, even if it is stupid, so someone else can point out what a horrible idea it is and we can check it off the list. Someone needs to say, “ENOUGH – we’re chasing rabbits, let’s get back on task.” None of those people are likely to be you. The extraverts are NOT your enemies. In some ways they complete you (cue soft music) and you complete them. When you’re connected . . . really connected . . . your extravert friend will bring the meeting to a screeching halt because they can see that you have something to say. You need them as much as they need you.
3. Being an Introvert does NOT mean you are a snob
You do run that risk though. The scenario in your head that might go something like, “If I go, it’s going to suck the life out of me — but if I stay home, they’ll think I’m a snotty snot bag” . . . is probably not far from accurate. Just because people are extraverted does not mean they aren’t also insecure. Neither does it mean that they are psychic. Unfortunately people only know that you like them when you indicate, in some way, that you do. Extraverts have got the verbal affirmation edge here but if you’re going to consistently bow out socially you should consider finding a safe, introvert friendly alternative for saying, “I really do like you people.” Knowing that is not automatic.
4. Being an Introvert does not mean you are NOT a snob
Sometimes it’s easy for introverts to find fault in other people because it grants them permission to not engage socially. If you can rationalize that it is their fault then there is no reason to engage. If you find yourself doing that more often than not . . . you may just be a snotty snot bag. You should stop that.
5. Initiate the conversation
If you’re living silently you’re leaving everything you do open for interpretation. It’s easy, then, to judge the people who judge you. “If they want to know they should come ask me.” But being an introvert is NOT a disability. Have the discussion — with your close friends first, but spark the conversation among your team. What does it even mean that you are an introvert? What drains you? What energizes you? Point people to resources and engage. If you take the lead you can choose the playing field. If you ignore it, you’ll be playing on their field and you’ll start on defense. Guaranteed.
6. Make friends with an extravert
Some of the sweetest connections I have ever seen have been extreme innies and extreme outies. They’re perfect at parties together. The introvert can hide behind the extravert. EX works the crowd just like she likes it and one by one brings her new friends over to the corner and introduces them to IN (just like she likes it). IN doesn’t compete for attention and EX shields her from the crowds. IN becomes a sounding board for EX and EX protects IN from disengaging completely. It works. Not automatically and not without intentionality but it works and sometimes it works brilliantly well.
7. Adjust your plan
If the system is set up for extraverts you’re going to need to turn some knobs. Language learning for example seems to come more naturally for extraverts because they like to . . . well . . . talk to people. However, hanging out in a crowded vegetable market or bouncing up and down in your seat and shouting “OOH OOH PICK ME TEACHER, PICK ME!!” is not going to be your thing. So find something different that works in your world. Online study? Engaging one local friend and practicing over coffee at your place? You have options. Change your methods. Change your paradigms. Eventually you will change the team culture. “Viva la Innies!”
8. Be Proactively Digital
Introverts are finding their voice. It’s just not out loud. The world is rapidly becoming more and more introvert friendly. I have seen extreme innies who have a completely different personality on in the blogosphere or on social media. They are encouraging, engaging and would even seem to be outgoing — and then in person they might be timid and even borderline reclusive. Run with that. Be assured that the digital version of you is the real you. We’re just on a different playing field. This is your turf. Own it and use it to be a part of the team. Best part? You can engage and energize at the same time . . . you’re practically a cyber-extravert.
9. Withdraw to re-energize not to hide
The more you know yourself the more you will function well even if the surrounding system is built for extraverts. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you CAN’T engage people. It does mean that when you do, it drains you. Extraverts, on the other hand, actually get energy from it. When you learn to read your own gauge you can foresee when you are going to hit empty. While you might prefer to crawl into a hole and never come out it is rare that you will have that luxury on a team. Sometimes you NEED to engage.
Withdraw. Refuel. Re-engage. Repeat.
10. You are not alone
Trust me. You are not the only one who feels the pain of going to yet another team meeting. You are not the only one who fears that they will be called on publicly to come up to the front to be stared at. You are not the only one who goes home, crashes hard and vows to do bad things to anyone who dares break your silence. You’re not the only one who has watched 8 years worth of a sit com series in 2 weeks. You are everywhere. On every team. All over the world.
You are SO not alone which you probably find incredibly encouraging — even though — more than anything — you just want to be alone.
Oh the irony
Know an expat Introvert? Pass this on, they need to hear it.
Know an expat Extravert? So do they.
Got some advice for the Innies or the Outies? Please comment below.
Here are some resources and thoughts from other people around the interweb:
Susan Cain: The Power of Introverts
Susan’s TED Talk
6 Things You Should Never Say to Introverts: Madison Moore
5 Things Introverts Need to Stop Doing: Kirby Morris
The Introverted Expat: Rachel Pieh Jones
35 Quotes for Introverts: Christopher Hudspeth
An Introverted Expat: Life in Graz
Apr 10, 2015 |
People who live cross-culturally, for any significant portion of their lives, are often duped.
When we first choose to live as foreigners we are prime for the suckering. We are wide eyed and overflowing with enthusiasm. We soak up everything that Lonely Planet, Rosetta Stone and Wikipedia have to offer about our soon to be new home. In our zeal we are prone to misgauging our own proficiency.
We are pumped . . . and ready . . . and oh so naive.
Set for swindling.
There are seven great deceptions and most of us fall for at least five. I have personally tested them all. You know . . . for research. I lay them out now NOT for the sake of those who are packing up their lives and getting ready to go. That would be like telling newlyweds that marriage is hard.
They just tilt their head and grin at you as if you’re the cute one . . . “yeah, we know it’s hard for everyone else but we’re sooooo in love . . . and it will never, ever be hard for us. ”
You’re sweet and I would never steal this time from you. Proceed.
But for those of you coming down from the honeymoon (and possibly even some of you veterans) . . . here are seven deceptions which you may or may not have noticed just yet.
These are the Lies we believe
1. The “Dual Culture” Lie
It’s perfectly natural, when we relocate from one country to another country to focus entirely on those two cultures. Give me a spreadsheet with TWO columns and tell me how our cultures are different.
WE like personal space — THEY don’t.
WE are direct — THEY are indirect.
WE use a fork — THEY use their fingers
BOOM! I got this.
There are tests and inventories and boatloads of brilliant research that can help you size up YOURS and THEIRS. Culture to culture, side by side.
I love that stuff. I could get lost in it but the big reality shocker comes when you realize that living cross-culturally is not simply TWO cultures but it requires MULTIPLE layers of cultural adjustment. Here’s the kicker — often times the OTHER cultures are more consuming than the one of your host country.
- Expat culture — so different — You need another column on your spreadsheet.
- Professional culture — different again — Another column.
- International school — layers in itself — Multiple columns.
- Faith culture — another column.
- Generational gaps — more.
- Subcultures — more.
This list goes on.
It’s never just two
2. The “Language by Osmosis” Lie
Learning a new language is hard. Sure it’s easier for some people than others and no doubt there are gifted learners who seem to have flare for picking it up quickly. The rest of us are . . . what’s the English word?
NORMAL
Regardless, one of the most painful realizations is that new language doesn’t just grow organically in your brain because you are surrounded by it. Expats are survivalists first and foremost. We pick up the absolutely essential phrases, we seek out picture menus, we print taxi cards, we download apps and we are shameless masters of hand gestures and charades. Never has there been a group of people who have worked harder to communicate without learning how to.
In many places you can be (and you will not be alone) an expat for years upon years and never learn the language. Intentionally choosing the harder option is key.
It doesn’t just happen.
3. The “Culture Shock Immunity” Lie
“Culture shock” is a deceptive phrase. The word “shock” insinuates some kind of unforeseen, instant jolt. As if you stuck your fork into an outlet and BAZZZAAAPPP!
“WHOA! Should have used chopsticks! Didn’t see that coming.”
Consequently, when we don’t have the quick sizzle, hair raising, eye bulging zap followed by the easily distinguishable and obviously dysfunctional melt down we assume (incorrectly) that we have beat the system. No culture shock for me.
“I am Transition Man! Your culture bolts are no match for my defenses!”
But transition from one system to another system is not a switch that we flip it is a process that we go through. That process includes the stress of adjusting from the way you have always done it to the way it is now done.
It includes wrestling with knowing, without a doubt that your way is better . . . and then thinking that it probably is . . . and then wondering if it might be . . . and then acknowledging there may be two good ways . . . and then (sometimes) recognizing the new way is better.
For some people the process is harder, deeper, darker, more dysfunctional. Some people thrive on the instability.
It’s not the same (by any means) for everyone but no one gets immunity.
4. The “Cookie Cutter Culture Shock” Lie
Maybe you’ve seen something like this:
Tools like this are especially helpful when cultural transition feels like puberty. “Why am I feeling like this?! Why am I acting like this?! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!”
In the complicated, confusing moments of adjustment, charts like this serve as a sweet reminder of a simple yet solid truth.
“I’m normal??. Waaahh, that’s fabulous. But seriously, get out of my room.”
The problem with the standard culture shock continuum is NOT that it is inaccurate. It is that we think it was designed to be more accurate than it is.
“I feel like my transition had more dips than that.”
“I think my dip wasn’t so deep but it lasted longer than 6 months.”
“I don’t think I ever got a honeymoon phase.”
Yes. Yes. Yes. You are spot on. Your transition is yours. It is dramatically different than the next guys and his is different than everyone else. If you are expecting to fit exactly into the right schedule for adjustment you’re likely to slip back into feeling weird or abnormal or dysfunctional or superhuman.
There are too many variables for everyone to have the same transition.
This was mine.
5. The “Single Answer” Lie
In human years expats move from 5 to 16 in about two months. Let me explain.
Expats are uber inquisitive on the front end. “What is that? How do you say this? What’s that smell? Why to do they do that? What’t the history behind this? Who? What? When? Where? How? Why? Why? Why?”
Like a 5 year old. We embrace ignorance on a quest for answers.
BUT (and this is where it ALL falls apart): We think when we get an answer we understand it (you should read that sentence again). Soon we “know” (finger quotes) everything.
Like a 16 year old.
When we have answers we stop asking questions. This can be a fatal flaw for expats. There is ALWAYS more to it.
“Ignorance is not your problem unless you think that you’re not ignorant.”
-Albert Einstein – should have said this
Embrace ignorance and stay 5 for a while.
For contrast imagine describing the climate of North America as frigid because you spent Christmas day in Northern Canada. Check out Guatemala in July before you share your expertise.
There is always more to it.
6. The “Expat Bubble” Lie
This one is doubly deceptive. It sneaks up on you and you never see it coming. There are no instant, clear cut signs but one day . . . months from now . . . maybe even years, you realize you’ve been duped.
No one is more excited than the honeymooning newbies to engage local culture. “We’re going to make lots of local friends and study language learn their customs and teach them ours. We’ll share cooking lessons and laugh about idioms. It’ll be great!”
Then . . . over time . . . and one interaction at a time you take the least challenging option. It’s frustrating to speak a language you don’t know. You don’t connect with these people on sports or politics or food or fun and it feels more like work than friendship.
That’s how the bubble is built.
For clarity let me just say . . . I love the bubble. Some of my best friends are in that bubble and I like hanging out there.
BUT I don’t want to be STUCK inside of it. To live cross culturally and never genuinely experience (deeply) your host culture is a BIG miss. To be surrounded by people who are SO different and could teach you SO much and never find a friend, is a sad thing.
The lie we believe is that it won’t happen to us. However without tremendous and ongoing intentionality it almost always does.
7. The “They love me because I’m a foreigner” Lie
This varies dramatically depending on who you are and where you are living. It is painfully easy to mistake cultural hospitality for respect and admiration. “These people treat me like a rock star.”
It’s easy to let that misguided reaction go to your head (much like a rock star would). The result is typically tragic. This is where cultures get abused and foreigners leave a trail of mess behind them. In their arrogance they assume that they have all of the pieces — “They smile when they see me, they laugh at my jokes, they want to spend time with me . . . they must love me.”
There is always more to it.
- It could be culturally mandated kindness
- It could be the art of war
- They could be buttering you up to steal your wallet
Or maybe they love you.
Point is, you can’t know until you stick around and build a real relationship. That’s where the good stuff is. The real stuff.
Lies are easy to come by when you live cross culturally.
If you’ve been duped, welcome to the club. Actually you’ve been here for a while but none of us wanted to say anything. Welcome back from your honeymoon.
This is where it gets good.
Helpful? Have some friends who might need to hear this? Please pass it on.
Have you fallen for one of these or something completely different? Please comment below.
Nov 3, 2014 |
Welcome to Day 5 of a 31 day challenge to write 500 words or more. For more on that click here: goinswriter.com
I’m really not good at math so Daylight Savings is messing me up both professionally and personally. Let me explain.
Not only did I get jilted out of my golden hour of extra sleep yesterday AND depressed when the sun went down shortly after lunch
click here to read yesterdays post: “On Daylight Savings Time”
NOW I am forced to do math for work. I live and work, at least to some extent, on two sides of the world on any given day. Much of my job is connecting with people in China. I travel there at least twice a year but even when I am right here in America I stay connected. I have good friends there. Many of my coworkers and even my bosses are there. It is not uncommon for me to have several meetings in China a week.
Thanks to Buck Rogers (who who was the brainchild behind Skype – see picture to the left) I am able to do that from the comfort of my home office.
For what I call the six “good months” of the year China and the Eastern part of America are exactly 12 time zones apart. It’s beautiful. There is no math involved. If it is 12:00 here it is 12:00 there. It’s just the other 12. So all I need to do is look at the clock, then look outside. If it is dark where I am, it is light there and vice versa. So simple and just as it should be.
China has done it 100% right. There is ONE time zone in the entire country. That’s it. One.
Even though it is roughly the same width (east to west) as the continental U.S. (which has four time zones in the same space) it is precisely the same time no matter where you are. Brilliant.
As if it were not confusing enough for Americans who constantly need to ask, “which time zone are you in again?” we have also decided to switch it by one hour twice every year. China on the other hand does not (in fact outside of North America, Europe and a sprinkling of other regions most of the world does not) . So for the second (or “bad”) six months of the year we are 13 hours different . . . or if you go the other way . . . 11. If it is 11:00 here it is 12:00 there and if it is 4 there . . . 3 here. Either way when I look at my clock I know that we are one away after I mentally change the sun into the moon.
It is not a challenging equation I know. Instead of X=X it is now X+1 = X+1. However, I cannot communicate to you clearly enough how inept I am when it comes to matters of arithmetic as they intersect with real life and especially important meetings.
I have been late more than once.
Personally I feel that times zones are a mistake altogether.
I think it would be astronomically easier to simply adjust our lifestyles and put the entire planet on one single time zone. It’s really just a matter of perspective.
So what if the sun comes up at 1am and you go to work at 2. That’s only weird for a little bit. At least when someone in New York calls someone in Las Vegas they don’t have to have this conversation.
“Which time zone is Vegas in again? — Pacific? — Hmm I thought you were Mountain — So that’s three hours or four hours different? — Right . . . is that four hours forward or four hours backward? — Got it. so if it’s 10 here it’s 6 there right? — Wait, or is it 2? — Nope it’s 6 . . . Right?”
Considering the fact that many people, like myself, are also interacting across multiple time zones I think my plan is full proof.
“Hey, person in China, I’ll call you at noon”
“Ok . . . I can stay up until then.”
Easy.
This all makes a ton more sense when you consider that a number of nations are on 1/2 hour time zones (see map above). Consider India for example. Even though India sits mostly and directly south of China, if it is 5:12 on the China side it is 3:42 right across the border.
BUT WAIT — There is more!
Nepal which is tucked neatly between China and India has a 3/4 of an hour time zone.
My mind just exploded.
WERE NOT DONE YET — Now throw into the mix that Arizonans (except the Navajos) DO NOT acknowledge daylight savings time.
They were just like, “Meh – we don’t want to fall back.”
So imagine a booming multinational corporation trying to set up a Skype conference call between their offices in L.A., Atlanta, Beijing, Mumbai, Kathmandu and Phoenix.
“Lets schedule that for 6pm/10pm/11am/8:30am/8:15am.”
“What about Phoenix?”
“Nope, can’t talk to them until next summer.”
Yeah . . . no chance somebody’s gonna miss that one.
OR – We could do it my way.
“See you at 4.”
And those are my 500 (+) words.
Daylight Savings Time Usage Map
blue=currently uses
orange=formerly used
red=has never used
May 30, 2014 |
Leaving is hard. Being left is harder.
Transition is a huge part of life for an expat. That’s understood. By the time you sign on you’ve wrapped your head around the fact that you’re about to trade normal for unknown. Returning home is the same story with a twist. There are seminars for all of that.
What they don’t tell you in the brochure, however, is that the transition never stops. Expat communities are a revolving door and just about the time you start to adjust to your new found normal, people leave, and your normal changes again.
It’s the Expat Exodus . . . transient people coming and going. Tough all around.
Go here for some thoughts on going home (or elsewhere) after life abroad:
The often unmentioned casualties in the whole story however, are neither coming nor going. They are staying.
The Stayers pain is less pronounced, less expected and less acknowledged than those who are leaving. They’re not packing up and saying goodbye in a frenzied mess of dinners and parties and awkward, intentional eye contact. They’re also not freaking out about the next thing, the new job, the overwhelming inevitables that are coming at the end of a long painful plane ride.
But when the goodbyes are over and the repats are gone . . . there they stand . . . in the exact same spot . . .
No exciting “next chapter.” No happy family reunions. No big adventure. Everything exactly the same only much different.
Staying is the only expat transition with no honeymoon period.
Leaving is hard on Stayers.
Here are 10 Tips for Staying Well:
Tip #1: RAFT’s are not Just for Coming and Going
I am a monster fan of Dr. David Pollock’s model for transitioning well known as Building a RAFT (Google it). It’s so simple and yet so comprehensive.
It is brilliant for people beginning their expat journey. Brilliant again for those ending it.
Unfotunately it is all but ignored for Stayers.
Reconciliation • Affirmation • Farewell • Think Ahead
Don’t let people you love leave without walking through this process for yourself . The beauty of such a transient life is the natural growth of a phenomenal, global network of true friendships. Expats get to know people all over the world. Leaving broken bits of relationship unattended to weakens that network. Communicating — VERY SPECIFICALLY — how much you appreciate people makes it crazy strong.
Build a RAFT even if you’re not going anywhere.
Tip #2: Flip the Manual Override Switch
Some people are phenomenal at gushing from the inside out. They are naturally transparent and affectionate and so easily expressive it hurts. This tip is not for you. Sorry you only get 9. You may skip to #3.
The rest of us live on the flip side of that universe. We start sensing (consciously or otherwise) that something bad is about to happen. Our internal systems go on red alert and start shutting down. We ignore. We pretend. We may even drum up some conflict to make it less painful to let go.
Catch it early and force yourself to do what is NOT natural. Go manual. Say the things you want to say. Get all awkward and nervous but don’t miss your window because it didn’t “feel” right. And don’t make the excuse of “ehh they know how I feel.” They do not. People are dense.
Bonus tip: It’s ok to acknowledge awkward: Laugh about it. Make a joke about it. Sing a song about it (seriously, I met a guy who couldn’t work up the nerve to say good goodbyes so he grabbed his guitar and spontaneously sang songs to everyone in the room to tell them how he felt – genius). The point is, when it’s over they need to genuinely know how you feel.
Read this blog post: My Head in the Clouds – If You’re Staying — Great advice for how you can love on your departing friends. Good stuff.
Tip #3: Go Away and Come Back
There are dismal days after the Exodus. Personally it was always gut-wrenching for me to walk around my apartment complex and be painfully aware of who was NOT there and who was never coming back. It’s like a ghost town but that sense is exaggerated in the moment. I personally think it’s fair to change your scenery for a bit if your schedule and budget allow it. Take your family and go visit one of the spots you’ve been wanting to see. Grab some friends (if there are still some near) and hop a train to anywhere.
I don’t think it’s running away to run away briefly. Give yourself a few days (or weeks?) to get your mind on something else BUT (underlined because this is a huge but) don’t stay gone (physically or mentally). Make a plan to re-engage your real life. Don’t pretend nothing is different . . . but take a break.
Tip #4: Schedule your first Skype Call
Goodbyes are saturated with good intentions. Non specific, ambiguous, unscheduled plans generally don’t ever happen.
“Keep in touch.”
“Talk to you soon.”
“Can’t wait to Skype.”
“Call us when you get there.”
All great thoughts but unlikely in the context of life. Especially the life that your departing friends are about to encounter. You don’t have to schedule the next six months worth of weekly calls. But get the first one on the books. Figure out the time zone difference. Know where they’re going to be and when . . . and schedule it. That first chat will be sweet. Increase the liklihood of it actually happening.
Tip #5: Grief is Not Just for Dying
Transition = Loss = Grief. Leaving or being left is not death. It’s not the same kind of pain.
That said, when something has been a rich part of your life and then it is no longer there, what often happens is very accurately defined as grief. This is the kind of grief that sneaks up on you and smacks you from behind because you weren’t expecting it. They didn’t die. You didn’t get divorced. The traditional grief rules don’t apply here but it’s the real deal and grief is a process.
Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance
Now is a good time to study up on grief. You’ll not only give yourself the freedom to go through the process but you’ll make a little sense out of what is happening to you. Grief is a real thing. Don’t be ashamed about that and do everything (underlined for emphasis) you can to get the support you need.
Bonus Tip: Scroll through the comment sections of the links listed above (Ten Tips for Leaving and Landing). There are some really rich and vulnerable accounts of people who have dealt with the grief of transition. Also some great extra tips and advice.
Tip#6 Get All Creative
Here’s my dream project that we haven’t done yet because we’ve been renting and landlords get kind of grumpy about stuff like this. We paint a wall somewhere in our home with a world map. The whole wall. It’s huge (in my dream).
Then we hang pictures of all of our friends according to where they live in the world (at last count we had friends from 37 countries). We also paint the countries that we have traveled to a different color and put pictures of our trips. Then we paint the countries that we want to go to. How cool would that be?
This is what I want to happen as a result of my Global dream wall:
- We are reminded every day of how awesome our expat experience was.
- We never forget about those friends.
- We never stop being a global family (big fear of mine right now)
- We celebrate as a family when we get to hang new pictures and paint new countries.
- We’ve got a huge conversation piece that let’s us talk about our story.
That’s one idea but there must be a billion more. Get crazy creative to help yourself (and your family) not lose touch with the pieces of your life that have moved on. Share your ideas in the comment section.
Tip #7: Michael W. Smith Was Wrong
Sorry – I know not everyone reading this grew up in the American, Christian 80’s like I did but if you did it’s likely that you have a love hate relationship with the song (it’s hard to even type it) . . .
Friends are Friends Forever
We sang this song at every camp, every graduation and every youth event we attended for at least a decade. Each time the result was the same — dozens of violently weeping teenagers locked up in a gigantic group hug . . . then we played it again because whatever it was we were doing . . . was over and we couldn’t bear the thought.
Before I digress let me just take issue with one line . . .
“But we’ll keep you close as always . . . it won’t even seem (short pause) you’ve gone . . . “
Nope. Not true.
When they leave, it most certainly does seem like they’ve gone and they are nowhere near as close as always.
It’s a great thought, but in the interest of closing the gap between expectations and reality. I thought you should know.
Tip #8: It doesn’t Get Better
Geesh. This blog post is depressing. Sorry.
I talk to a boatload of expats. All of them hate June (click here to find out more) but the ones who have the hardest time with people leaving are not the rookies, they’re the vets. The 15+ crowd are the ones who ball like babies and say, “I am SO SICK OF GOODBYES!!”
You’d think they might have it figured out by now but they don’t. Scratch that — some of them do — but for the ones who really get Tip #9, it never gets better. In fact it gets worse every year.
Tip #9: Never Stop Engaging
Saying Goodbye is hard. It’s crummy actually (pardon my harsh language) and frankly saying goodbye to multiple friends every year (not just in June) can wear on a person. It is normal and common to become callous. Whether you consciously make the decision or not your brain is smart enough to make the connection without you.
“If I don’t get close to these new people, it won’t hurt so bad when they leave.”
Ding, ding, ding . . . you, my friend have figured it out. The secret to the painless expat life.
One catch. Write this down and then underline it . . .
It hurts because it is good.
The better it is, the more it hurts. You can absolutely save yourself massive amounts of pain by not engaging in new relationships but as a trade off you will miss even more massive amounts of really good stuff.
And that’s only looking at it from a selfish perspective. Long termers who hurt deeply when people leave have inevitably poured their lives into people who have grown by knowing them. Those who figure out the secret, on the other hand, become bitter, closed off and have little impact.
Your choice.
Bonus Tip: Don’t be who you’re not. You may be a total introvert. Staying engaged doesn’t mean you need to sign on to be the community welcomer extraordinaire. However, when you are engaging at a level that is lower than your norm, you might be headed the wrong direction.
Tip #10. (Wanna’ Guess?) Grace — Give it Freely and Keep Some for Yourself
- When you’re departing bestie makes up a reason to be mad at you so it won’t hurt so bad to say goodbye. Give her some grace.
- When a RAFTing departer “forgives” you for something you didn’t even know you did. Give him some grace.
- When you thought they were going to Skype and they didn’t. Grace.
- When someone plays “Friends are Friends Forever” at the goodbye dinner. Grace.
- When the new people think they can just come right in and be your friends. Give them some grace and just be their friend.
- When you watch your fourth good friend of the year wave from airport security and disappear . . . it’s for you too . . . Whatever happens next, give yourself some grace.
It hurts because it’s good. (underlined because it’s true)
If you are a Stayer, I hope this helps.
If you know a Stayer, please pass this on.
If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy. Add your tips. What worked for you?
Apr 9, 2014 |
From buzzfeed – 30 Strange Adopt a Highway Signs
Adoption.
That word is big in our house. It represents the decision that changed everything and it’s inseparable from pretty much everything since then. It’s loaded. Loaded with amazing memories of joy and exhaustion and excitement and frustration and anticipation and intense focus and painful waiting and travel and wondering . . . “Is this actually going to happen?” . . . “Is this really happening?” . . . “Did that really happen?” It has both stretched and strengthened our faith and our marriage and it has introduced us to spectacular people from all over the globe who also have adoption shaped stories
It is so much a part of us that we forget about it . . . but it is the first thing that people notice when they meet our family.
No question. It’s a big word in our house . . . but do we (and the people like us) own the rights to it?
Should I be offended when I see people adopting puppies or kittens or roads or beaches or trash cans? I know people who are. I also know of people who commit significant chunks of their lives to the causes of getting people to “adopt” things other than children.
There has been an increasing avalanche of the word “adoption” used as a marketing tool for virtually everything and I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. I’m torn. Conflicted. Right on the fence. So, I thought I might take a look at it from both sides in an attempt to start (for the first time ever on The Culture Blend) an online argument between all of my readers. I encourage both of you to be passionate, opinionated and keep the swearing to a minimum.
Point – Counterpoint
Point: Adoption is Sacred
For a family formed by adoption it feels cheap to attach the same word to a program designed to get people to pick up litter on their block. This is my family. These are my children. To compare them to a puppies (no matter how cute) is offensive.
Counterpoint: “Adoption” is a Word
Words carry multiple levels of meaning. Like “love”. I can love my kids and love my puppy. Obviously the type of love that I have for my kids is greater and stronger but it is not lessened by the fact that I also love my dog. Adopting animals is clearly a different kind of adoption but still fits within the definition of the word.
Point – Enough is Enough
Ok. Puppies and kittens make some sense. Pets can be viable (albeit lower status than children) parts of the family. You bring them home, you feed them, you clean up their messes, you train them and you would be terribly sad if anything bad happened to them. Fair enough. But here’s the short list of other things you can “adopt” (click away).
- Whales, Butterflies, Goats, Dolphins, Wolves, Turtles and Puffins
- Streets, Roads, Blocks, Highways, Streams and Rivers
- Parks, Beaches, Wetlands, Rain Forests, Fields and Countries
- Rooms, Schools, Houses, Churches, Villages and Cities
- Fire Hydrants, Mailboxes, Flower Beds, Gardens and Toilets
- Pilots, Pastors, Potters, Sailors, Soldiers, Heros, Athletes and Atheists
- Politicians, Artists, Firemen, Policemen and Grandparents
- Unicorns, Spots, Small Businesses, Coral Reefs, Storm Drains and Canadians
Really? At what point does this become overkill?
Counterpoint – Accessibility and Free Speech
Attaching the word “adoption” to a “call to action” campaign of any kind gives people a concept to connect to. Lot’s of great programs rely on the volunteer help of other people and calling on them to “adopt” versus “support” or “sponsor” provides a humanized entry point that is less likely to scare them off. People can get on board with adopting something but they don’t need another time/money consuming commitment. Also, even if it is overkill, that’s our right, right?
Point – What do adopted kids think?
My kids are proud of the adoption part of their story and they should be. They love to hear about the journey that led to us and them coming together. We worked and saved and prayed and cried and celebrated hard all because they were more precious and more valuable than anything we could ever dream of. There is great worth in adoption. And hey, for a price we could also adopt a toilet.
What does that do to their perspective of adoption?
Counterpoint -Don’t be so touchy
You don’t see non-adopted kids getting all offended by people who claim that their pets are their actual children. You know who I’m talking about. They are well meaning and absolutely convinced. They set a place for their dog at the table, buy him clothes, shoes, pedicures, back rubs, doggy waffles and Christmas presents. Ask them how many are in their family and you’ll get something like,
“Oh just me and my wife and three kids. Julie’s in 6th grade, she’s our ballet dancer. Jakey’s in Kidergarten, just started Karate classes. And our youngest is Johnny. He’s a Cocker Spaniel and he loves Netflix.”
Those people are awkward to be around . . . but as an actual, bonafide biological child of my parents I am not offended by them.
So what do you think?
Are you offended by flippant use of a personally special word? Annoyed by what seem to be oversensitive members of the adoption community? Disturbed by these Awkward Family Photos? Conflicted and on the fence with me? Indifferent but looking for a good blog fight?
This is your place. Have at it and pass it on.
