Nov 19, 2013 |
Sometimes I forget. Most of the time I forget.
As an adoptive parent I am thankful to be living in a time and a place where adoption has been embraced. It’s certainly not a new or American concept. Moses was adopted 1600 years before Caesar Augustus who was adopted 2000 years before either of my children and neither of them was American. I mean Moses or Caesar . . . not my kids.
It’s a fact that adoption has been written about since ancient Babylon and the Roman Empire but NEVER has there EVER been so many, many, many resources available for the adoptive family.
Ever.
There are uber-endless numbers of blogs, groups, websites, chatrooms, forums, books, videos, pamphlets, seminars, webinars, podcasts and after school specials that offer some level of assistance or understanding or explanation of every possible facet of adoption that could ever be imagined. Everyone from Oprah to Mister Rogers has chimed in, many in an effort to educate the non-adoptive world. For those of you who don’t have adoption as a part of your story a quick Google search will pull up 14 million pages offering help on how to talk to your kids about . . . you know . . . our kids.
Lest I slip into sounding snarky or ungrateful for those resources and the fact that many of the stigmas of the past and of other cultures are less prevalent right here and right now I want to reiterate . . . I am genuinely and deeply thankful.
However, I have yet to find a resource for how I should talk to my kids about . . . you know . . . yours.
Quite frankly . . . we’re normal.
I’m not just saying that because I read it in a book about adopted kids. We just are.
Completely, maybe even painfully normal.
My kids have taken on the role of bossy big sister and bratty little brother with a passion. They fight like cats and dogs. They complain when they have to do their chores. They don’t clean up their room unless they’re asked. They have to be manipulated to eat green things. They don’t like doing homework or taking baths or going to bed. They say funny stuff. They laugh like crazy when we tickle them. They beam with pride on the inside when we brag about them. They love Christmas morning and family night and doing high’s and low’s at dinner. They would both gladly trade the other one for three scoops of ice cream but they would both regret it as soon as the ice cream was gone. They would watch TV for days if we let them and even though they may not say a word they know when mom and dad aren’t being nice to each other.
Yep. Even the books about normal kids will back me up. We fit.
And if we are normal then I want to make sure my kids understand how to function well in a world where not everyone is exactly like them.
Here’s my short list of things I want my kids to know:
1. Non-Adoptive children are normal too
It may seem odd that some kids look so much like their parents. They may have the same skin, the same hair, the same eyes and the same smile. Sometimes they may even look like miniature versions of their parents dressed in matching clothes. That’s ok. Just because they are different doesn’t make them strange or weird. They may be strange or weird but that is not the reason.
2. You should never ask a kid if he/she is not adopted
Most children probably know already but you should never take that chance. Some parents choose not to tell their children that they are not adopted. It is better to let them bring it up and then you may ask questions.
3. It is NEVER OK to make fun of children who are not adopted
Teasing little children by saying things like, “SURPRISE! You’re NOT ADOPTED!!” is never funny. In fact it is incredibly offensive. Think about how you would feel if someone teased you like that. Seriously. Think about it.
4. Be careful with your words
We are a REAL family. You are our REAL kids and together we most certainly are a FOREVER family. The same is true for kids who weren’t adopted. We don’t hold the rights to “foreverness” but we love that it describes us. We’re also not better because we CHOSE you. Children who weren’t adopted were chosen too. The process was different but the result is the same. A REAL FAMILY FOREVER.
5. Don’t ever ask a non adopted child “how much they cost”
That’s tacky. You can never put a price tag on a person. The process is what costs money which is a good conversation to have if you’re interested. Children, however, are priceless, no matter what the process.
6. We can always talk
If you ever have questions about what it might be like to not be adopted, we can talk. If you wonder what it is like for your friends, we can talk. If you wish the whole world could be adopted, we can talk. Even, if you wish you had not been adopted, we can talk. Point is, we can always talk.
7. Take the high road
When kids are not like other kids sometimes other kids who are not like those kids say mean things. They ask mean questions because they don’t understand. They call names and make up stories because they are snot nosed brat faced little booger bites who need discipline. Don’t be that kid. Even if all the other kids are adopted and there is only one who is not, don’t join the crowd if the crowd is wrong. Be a friend.
8. Awkward moments are not the end of the world
As much as possible try not to say something hurtful but even if you do don’t let it end a good relationship. Sometimes we ask questions because we’re curious and it doesn’t go well. What matters more is what you do next. Move past it. Apologize if you need to and know that if you build a really great relationship you can ask anything you want . . . but that takes time.
Our adoption story is a beautiful part of our bigger story. We love it when we think about it but sometimes . . . most of the time, we forget.
Oct 7, 2013 |
You’re moving to China??!! They run over their people with tanks!!
That’s what the guy who weighed our bags at the airport said seven years ago. It made me question whether or not airlines had ever considered any form of “Things Not to Say” training for their employees. It’s funny (not “funny ha ha” or “funny strange” but “funny disturbing”) how easy it is to build a complete understanding of a nation based on the most shocking news that comes out of it.
My daughter recently turned ten. Know how we celebrated?
We rode roller coasters.
Real, American roller coasters strategically engineered by certifiable maniacs to flatten your internal organs against your spine, stretch the front of your face to the back of your head and cause you to scream like Little Miss Muffet on Fear Factor.
It was awesome.
I had groomed her for this day since she was nine months old when I would pick her up, fling her over my shoulders, flip her upside down and throw her in the air as high as I could (much to the dismay of her mother). My reasoning? Roller coaster training. I was ensuring that I would have someone to ride the rides with someday in the future.
My investment paid off.
The perfect day had finally come. She had grown to the exact minimum height limit (possibly earlier that morning) and more importantly . . . we were finally in America. She had only dreamed of such coasters as she was growing up in China where most of the rides we had access to were more reminiscent of a county fair from the 1950’s. In fact, before we left China, I learned that this might actually be her version of the complete American dream.
As we were packing our things I asked her how she was feeling about the big move.
“Eh . . . good and bad.”
I actually smiled from the inside out because I’ve come to realize the absolute essential nature of processing the paradox of transition. If it’s all good, you’re setting yourself up for a fall. If it’s all bad you’re a real pain to be around. I was thrilled with her answer, so I pushed for more.
“Yeah? What are you looking forward to?”
Without blinking, “Roller coasters.”
I gave myself an internal high five and tried to keep a straight face. “Yeah me too. What are you afraid of?”
“Mmm. Getting shot.”
Phuaw. It’s funny (not so much the “ha ha” kind) how easy it is to build an understanding of a nation based on the most shocking news that comes out of it.
I guess it goes both ways.
Sep 6, 2013 |
I’m a pretty decent guy but there are things in me that I don’t want to pass on to my kids. I’m not alone here right?
There is some foundational flint in the core of every mother and every father that sparks a longing to see “better things” for their children. It’s fueled, in part, by a selfless love that can only be truly grasped once you have been irritated, frustrated, exasperated, punched, poked, scratched, kicked, glared at, cried on, spit at, puked on, screamed at, pooped on and stared down by a human being one tenth your size and pardoned every bit of in exchange for a single big bear hug. There is no one else in the world that I would ever cut that deal with and therefore there is no one that I want more for than these horribly wonderful creatures.
It would be terribly misguided, however, to think of ourselves as purely unselfish. Our “better things” longing is not entirely absent of a certain prideful arrogance that likes to think we can do this better than our parents, even if our parents (like mine) were exceptional.
Regardless of our motivation . . . scratch that . . . of MY motivation I want the absolute best for my kids.
It’s not a simple undertaking.
I wish that it was. I wish that I could just insist that they learn math and eat broccoli and ensure that their futures would be bright and shiny and virtually pain free. I can’t.
I wish that I could tell them what to do, what to think, what to believe, who to follow, who not to, when to wait, when to jump, when to hold ’em, when to fold ’em, when to walk away and when to run. I can’t.
I still will . . . but only God knows if they’ll listen . . . or if I’m even right.
I’m learning that what I want most for my kids are contradictions. I want my kids to see in me something that doesn’t make a lick of sense . . . especially when they hold it up in contrast to the way the vast majority of the rest of the world thinks.
These are the contradictions that I want to teach my kids
1. To be Discerning yet Generous
There is an age old tension between helping someone out and not being a sucker. Don’t give money to the beggar because they’ll probably just use it on drugs. Don’t buy too many cookies from the girl scout because they’ll come out of the wood works if they find out you like Thin Mints. Don’t tip more than 20%. Or was is it 15? I’ll go 12 but I need a calculator.
I am 100% in favor of wisdom. I’m a big supporter of discernment. I have always had a phobia of naivete.
Unfortunately, I am just now learning how much absolute joy there is in knowing all of the facts and giving anyway. My wife and I are not nearly rich enough to be philanthropists but we are more excited than we have ever been about random, unsolicited, unexpected and unreciprocated acts of generosity.
- We rarely go through a drive thru without buying for the people behind us.
- We don’t go out to eat unless we can afford to pay for some strangers sitting on the other side of the restaurant
- We tipped our waitress $50 for an $8 meal.
- My wife texted me yesterday and said, “I just bought an old lady’s groceries. You need to ask for a raise.”
This is terrible financial advice but to be quite honest we’re not the ones you want to come to for financial counseling. On the other hand you won’t find anyone who gets more giddy than we do because we paid twice what they were asking at a rummage sale.
Discernment is the fence between cynicism and generosity. I’ve been on both sides and I like it way better here.
I want my kids to know the joy of giving with their eyes open.
2. To be Brilliant yet Ignorant
That’s the most ridiculous sentence I have ever written and I am no stranger to writing ridiculous sentences. What kind of moronic father would ever wish ignorance upon his children.
Let me clarify. I would never wish ignorance on my children. In fact I would never have to. It’s guaranteed that they will be ignorant I just want them to be aware of it. Ignorance gets blamed for so many bad behaviors but it isn’t the culprit. It’s the universal character trait.
Ignorance is not knowing.
A bigot, for example, may arrive at a state of racism because they don’t know . . . but they stay there because they think they do. Ignorance isn’t the problem but not realizing how ignorant you are . . . that’s a problem.
Something horrible happens when you find an answer to anything. You stop looking for answers. I want my kids to be so phenomenally brilliant that they never for a moment feel that they have learned all they need to. I want them to bumble and trip and say embarrassingly awkward things about politics and religion and race and culture and how old people smell and each time they do I want them to become a little more brilliant and get one more glimpse into how far they have to go.
I want my kids to taste the freedom of admitting their own ignorance.
3. To Love Their Country and the Rest of the World Too
My kids have grown up in China. They literally have friends on every continent except Antarctica and my daughter is planning a trip to see what she can do about that. Now we’re back in America and I’m a little bit scared.
I’m a little scared that they’re a bit behind the curve on things like the 4th of July and the Pledge of Allegiance. Currently though I’m even more scared that the beautiful pieces of growing up cross-culturally won’t stick. I want them to be proud to be American but I want it to be the good kind of pride. We’ve got a pretty cool story and we’ve come through some really messy stuff. We’ve made a lot of mistakes and continue to do so but we’ve also faced a great number of our demons and been willing to say, “hey, that’s not right.”
I can’t help but think that 200 years ago my son, who is half black and half white would have been his mother’s shame and his father’s death. Even 50 years ago he would have been a scandal. I know we’ve got a long way to go but I’m pretty proud to be where we are considering where we’ve come from.
I want my kids to know that same pride without forgetting for a moment that there are other great nations and we don’t call the people who live there foreigners . . . we call them friends.
I want my kids to feel the pleasure of pride without arrogance.
4. To be Racially “Blind” yet Celebrate Culture
I hesitate to write this one because I don’t actually want my kids to be, as they say, “color blind.” Honestly I think the term (if I may be a bit nitpicky) is a bit of a sad reflection of all of the messy racial issues that we’ve struggled through. It’s like the best option we have is to say, “you’re black but I’m going to ignore that and just call you a person.” Or, “you may be white but I’ll let it slide.”
I want my son to know that he is African American and love it. I want my daughter to know that she is from China and embrace it. I want them both to learn to celebrate their heritage and each other’s and ours collectively. I also want them to be completely embarrassed to be seen with us but only because we are their parents . . . not because we are white.
I love that my kids are off to a good start because our beautifully blended family has forced them into a position of loving and being loved deeply by people who don’t look like them. It’s in their core already. I think they’ve got an edge on the mono-cultural families. I’m not saying they’re better than all of the other kids . . . but they are.
I want my kids to celebrate their heritage and never miss a friendship for the sake of skin.
5. To Disagree and Love People
I don’t have this one figured out. It’s really not easy to love people who are obviously wrong. This is a major challenge for me because I am so often right. In fact I’m fairly certain I am right about everything. If I didn’t think I was right about something I would change my mind. Then I would be right about everything.
It’s a bit easier on the surface when people just disagree with me about the piddly stuff . . . like politics.
It gets real though, when people start spouting venomous drivel like, “I Love Lucy was the best show ever made.”
EXCUSE ME. Have you never seen The Andy Griffith Show?!! Dirty Joker.
See what I mean? Not easy.
I want my kids to know where they stand. I want them to be firm in their convictions and their beliefs. I don’t want them to be swayed by every fast talker who crosses their path and I don’t want them to apologize for their core values. I also don’t want them huddle up with people who never challenge them and I don’t want them to simply tout their rightness among a crowd of agreeable people.
I want my kids to love hard to love people.
Some people are good at that.
I’m not.
At least not yet but hey . . .
every parent wants better things for their kids.
Sep 24, 2012 |
As a follow up to my last post . . . Being Married to the Expat Cake Lady –or- Finding Your Thang: For Expat Wives . . .
Here are 8 questions to help you find your THANG.
1. Are you an inny or an outy?
Too personal? Sorry – this has nothing to do with your belly button. Simply put, what is your personality? Here’s another way to look at it —
How much do people annoy you?
Nothing is more significant to finding your sweet spot in the expat world than your extrovertedness versus your introvertedness. Without giving proper respect to how much you enjoy/need other people around you you’re likely to waste a lot of time testing out thangs that frankly, ain’t your thang.
Introverts may feel pressured to join every tea party, picnic or play group that pops up in the expat community. “I have to go or they’ll think I’m a snob.” Extroverts may feel self-conscious because not everyone wants to join their tea party, picnic or play group. “They must hate me, what did I do?”
In a small community it’s easy to find yourself constantly over-evaluating how you might be perceived. The result is inny’s who go out and outy’s who stay in.
If you’re an introvert cut yourself some slack. You’re thang is not going to be hosting the expat talent show or teaching opera on the city square. If you’re an extrovert cut yourself some slack too. You may love blogging and scrapbooking but your thang is going to involve people . . . or you will go crazy . . . and die . . . alone.
- Go here to take the Big 5 Personality Test (don’t worry if you didn’t study). These five characteristics will tell you a lot about how to thrive cross culturally.
- For more fun personality stuff (Myers Briggs) go here.
2. What are you going to regret later if you don’t do it now?
Expats can get so busy managing life that they forget how unique this adventure is. You’re living in a foreign country. Wait, scratch that – you’re living in a country . . . as a foreigner. That can add a whole new depth to your pool of potential thangs. If you’re spending three years in China, guess what . . . now’s the time to learn Chinese. Italy? Time to perfect your pasta. Brazil? You could be learning to cook meat like it ain’t NOBODY’S business.
Your thang may or may not be directly related to your host country’s culture but don’t rule it out until you’ve thought it through. You may even be able to find some creative way to mix it up. Are you a painter? How can you capture the heart of your life as a foreigner on canvas? It doesn’t have to be the only thing you paint but how cool will it be to have that one painting in 20 years when you’re looking back?
Don’t miss the opportunity now that won’t be there later.
3. What does reality restrict?
Your thang at home may not be feasible where you live now. Sacrifice comes with the expat package (although it’s not listed on the brochure) and sometimes that can mean taking a break from the things that you most connect with.
My wife is a scrap-booker. In America it was her creative outlet and our dining room table was swallowed by 6 tons of polka dotted paper, rubber stamps and special scissors that cut swirly doodles. However, in America there were special scrap-booking stores . . . no . . . warehouses with infinite creative options and never ending swirly doodling paraphernalia. Not so much in China. Consequently her thang changed but that was a tough conclusion to come to.
A reality check on the front end may save you some unnecessary stress later.
4. Can your thang be translated?
Maybe you can’t do exactly what you love most. So flex a little bit but don’t give up altogether just yet. You may be able to translate it into your new culture.
Here’s how it works — Answer these questions:
- What was your thang at home?
- Why? — What are all of the pieces that make you love it?
- It’s an outlet for her exceptionally creative brain.
- She can do it alone or with close friends (introvert)
- She get’s to make beautiful things.
- She can make things for other people and they love it which makes her happy.
- What isavailable in your host culture that would fulfill what you love about your old thang?
Ok, it wasn’t even close to that easy but once she found it, it made sense and in her case she may even like making cakes more than she liked scrap-booking. If you can make the switch to filling what you love instead of replacing what you do it can help.
5. What energizes you?
Having a thang is more than just being good at something. You may be good at a lot of things. You may even love doing them but how do you feel when it’s all over?
Recently I did some one on one counseling with a number of new comers to China. I bounced from one meeting to another each one lasting at least an hour and some of them up to four. It was non-stop, on the go for three long days on into three late nights. I crashed hard at my hotel around midnight when I had finished my last meeting and then woke up early for a full day of training the next day.
After a six hour seminar my friend helped me process. “Jerry, how do you feel right now?”
My answer was, “I feel alive.” The one on one stuff was great but it slowly drained me. I genuinely love spending time with China newbies. Their stories are incredible and they may actually be some of my favorite people to talk to in the world. But when I’m done I’m zapped. Nothing left to give. However, even when I’m tapped out, if I can get in front of a group of people and do training . . . I wake up. I’m full of energy and when it’s all over I feel like I could run a marathon.
I couldn’t . . . but I feel like I could.
Training is my thang. One on one is thoroughly enjoyable and on a good day I’m pretty good at it. I love it but it doesn’t energize me. Training does.
What makes you feel alive? What energizes you?
6. What is your B?
If you’re moving from A to B what is your B? And if you’re trying to get to B then why are you headed for C? or Q? or Albuquerque?
Lots of accompanying spouses give up a career to move abroad with their husband or wife. As a trade off they feel pressure to find a job in their new country. Consequently they take anything they can get and often that pool is pretty shallow for foreigners. There are thousands of English Teachers out there who hate teaching English but feel like they need to be working.
You might be missing out on something good because you can’t change your paradigm. You could be using your skills, your education and your passions on something you love and you’re good at. Something that energizes you. You may or may not get paid for it but do you really need to?
If you do then by all means . . . get a job.
If having a job is your B . . . then get a job.
If teaching English is your B . . . then absolutely yes, teach English and love it.
But if you don’t like it and you can make it without the money, wouldn’t you rather be doing your thang?
7. Who Completes You?
Simply put . . . Surround yourself with people who make you better. Then your thang will be better too.
My wife is an introvert. You’d think she’d hang out with introverts. But introverts don’t complete her. Extroverts do.
Extroverts steal the show and protect her from being the center of attention. They also love her because she never competes to steal the show. She completes them too. Extroverts say, “WAAAHHH!! LOOK AT THAT CAKE!! They are her best advertising, her best encouragement and have always been her best friends.
8. How Can Your Thang Help People?
Honestly, if your thang isn’t helping someone else in some way then there is a big piece missing. Especially in an expat context doing something that only serves your own needs will isolate you from the rest of the expats and your host country. Self serving extroverts make people mad. Self serving introverts turn into hermits and get tagged as uppity snoot wads.
On the other hand, extroverts who think about other people become a bright light in a group of people who all struggle with the same basic issues. They’re the ones who find out where to buy bacon or get a great foot rub and pass it on to the rest of the crowd. Everyone loves them and gives them the kind of mass attention that energizes them.
As for introverts . . . they get a chance to quietly let the world know (one at a time) that they’re inny’s. Not weird. Not stuck up. Just not overly excited about large groups of people. They’re the ones who make unbelievable cakes and smile on the inside when people love it.
I hope you find your thang.
Sep 22, 2012 |
My wife makes cakes and she is amazing. No kidding, she makes Betty Crocker look like a rookie donut maker. She has this nuclear grade creativity packed into her brain which explodes every time she gets near flour and eggs into some unbelievable work of sweetness infused art. She has even started a small business and is now known in our community as “The Expat Cake Lady” (click and go check out her awesomeness). Here’s the kicker . . .
She loves it.
She comes alive when she’s making cake. Every part of it, from the brainstorm to the delivery excites her, energizes her and gives her a sense of satisfaction unlike anything I have seen in our 16+ years of marriage.
It’s her thang.
Not just her thing. It’s her thang. You have to say it with some enthusiasm and a little bit of attitude. Go ahead. Say it.
“Thang.”
Ironically, a year ago she had no idea. In fact one of the most frustrating dynamics of living in China for the past six years has been the absence of a thang. Statistically speaking her story is the most common one told among expat wives.
According to the Brookfield Global Relocation Trends Survey (a crazy-amazing resource for culture vultures and stat hounds) apart from finding work with another company, the NUMBER ONE cause of failure for International business assignments is . . .
(drumroll)
Spousal Dissatisfaction
A whopping 17% of assignment failures come as a result of a spouse who is not happy. Next on the list is “other family concerns” at 11% taking the “family issues” category up to 28% Know what the lowest on the list is?
(drumroll again)
Remuneration (pay etc.) at 2%.
Do you see the picture that the stats paint? Husbands (80% of expat business people are men which is lower than it has ever been) get a good job offer in some foreign country. The company has a nice brochure that promises, good pay, a nice expense account, a nice apartment, a nice personal assistant, a nice driver in a nice car, the whole nice enchilada. It’s just for a few years. It’ll be an adventure. Who wouldn’t want to go?
The wife signs on.
When they arrive, everything that was promised is true. Nicer home than you had in your country. Money to spend. Driver. Maid. Everything.
But . . .
The husband has a job that keeps him moving and busy while the wife is the one navigating this new culture. He has personal assistant’s for the sole purpose of speaking a language that he can’t. She has a personal assistant who doesn’t understand a word she says. He is surrounded by people, he has a project and a purpose. She’s on her own with nothing that really drives her.
He has a thang. She doesn’t.
Lot’s of wives give up a career and find out that working is not an option in their host country. Other’s never noticed how much they took the everyday resources of their home for granted. It’s not nearly as easy, and sometime’s it’s flat out impossible, to do what they have always loved doing. It’s harder to get around, harder to communicate, harder to raise kids, harder to do life.
That was us (apart from high pay and perks). I have always had my thang. I’m starting a business. I’m teaching. I’m training. I’m meeting people. I’m making relationships. I’m managing projects. There is never a lack of purpose or a lack of challenge. My wife on the other hand was on her own.
She wanted to find her thang. She tried. Multiple times.
Learning Chinese. Helpful but not her thang. Teaching English. Not her thang. Cooking, sewing, scrapbooking, photography . . . all things that she is amazing at but not her thang.
Then she stumbled on it. She traded favors with another expat mom who already knew what her thang was (go here and check out her awesomeness too). Her friend would be the photographer for our daughter’s insanely creative, birthday, spy extravaganza birthday party (also a product of my wife’s nuclear brain) and my wife would make a cake for her daughter’s insanely creative Alice in Wonderland extravaganza birthday party.
This is what happened . . .
WHAT?!! Who makes a cake like that?!
Just like that . . . a thang was born.
One year later . . . a week rarely goes by when someone doesn’t call and say, “hey, it’s my kids birthday. Can you make a cake?” The wheels start turning and the lights go on. She draws it all out, gathers her stuff, destroys the kitchen and what comes out is absolutely jaw dropping.
And I just sit back and smile because my wife has found her thang and frankly there’s only one thing I can think of that would be a better thang than making cake.
What? Aw geesh – get your head out of the gutter.
I was talking about making steak.
Next Up: 8 Questions to Help You Find Your Thang
Sep 20, 2012 |
It’s pretty common for expat parents to worry that their decision to live cross-culturally is going to turn their child into some kind of freak. There’s a fear (sometimes faint and sometimes paralyzing) that they’ll miss out on the social experiences during their formative years that make other kids . . . well . . . normal. In China those fears are compounded because Chinese culture can be so vastly different from our own. Will our kids be socially inept, out of touch or relationally challenged? Will they miss out on the things that make the cool kids cool? Will they turn Communist?
Some concerns are more valid than others but if you’re worried at all it’s well worth it to process that out personally or with your spouse (if you have one). It can also be a great characteristic to model for your kids. Generally we make the mistake of thinking we need to hide our fear so we can be strong for our kids. On the contrary, being transparent about what scares you may just free them up to do the same.
But I’m playing the optimist today. Call me Mr. Positive. Seriously. Call me that.
Right now . . . for this stage in our lives . . . I am loving that we live in China and here are five reasons why:
1. We feel safe here.
Sounds weird, I know, but we genuinely worry less about our kids safety in China than we do when we’re at home. China is no perfect safe haven where bad things can’t or don’t happen and it would be horribly naive to think that bad people don’t live here. However (and there are several dynamics to this) there are considerably less random, senseless acts of violence, especially against children. Our kids may be stared at, photographed, picked up, tossed in the air, have their hair ruffled and teased just to get a reaction . . . but the longer we live here the more we realize that the vast, vast majority (albeit unbearably annoying at times) would never think of harming our children.
That helps.
2. Our kids live diversity instead of just learning about it.
I was 18 years old before I flew on an airplane, 19 before ate my first Chinese food (if you can call it that) and 20 before I ate Mexican food (Taco Bell). I went to school (K-12) with a total of five people who had different skin color than me (only three more than are in my family now). Before I went to college I had three friends whose first language was not English. My daughter will be nine this month and at last count we have friends from 32 countries. More than two thirds of her friends speak multiple languages and we always sing Happy Birthday in English, Chinese and Korean. One of her favorite snacks is seaweed and she has eaten grasshopper, starfish, chicken feet and scorpion. She’s a gross food rock star.
So proud.
3. We love the International School.
My kids stand out. They’re different. They’re foreigners. They don’t speak fluent Chinese and this is China. They travel . . . A LOT. They don’t know how to answer the question, “where are you from?” They don’t feel rooted. They say, “goodbye” . . . A LOT. They miss their grandparents. They think skype is more normal than a telephone. And here’s the kicker . . . they go to school with 400 other kids who are exactly like them. You’re only weird if you’re different and at their school they’re all in the same boat.
Superbonus – My daughters Kindergarten teacher still takes her out for fun days three years later.
Outstanding.
4. Justin Beiber doesn’t live here.
No disrespect. The little guy seems nice enough but I for one am thrilled that the fever hasn’t hit the mainland China expat community. It’s not that kids here don’t like Justin Beiber or Hannah Montana or Spongebob. They do. However, their 3rd grade social status and entire self worth doesn’t at all rely on how devoted they are to Beiber mania. It’s not uncommon here for expat families not to have a television and it wouldn’t even mean imminent social death for a kid to say, “Who’s Justin Beiber?”
sidenote: My apologies for what I’m certain are outdated pop culture references. I’m sure we’ve moved on and there are new sensations sweeping the popular world but that kind of proves my point doesn’t it?. I have no clue who they are . . . and I don’t have to.
Nice.
5. The “real world” is a WORLD.
For every single bit that our kids are missing growing up where we come from, they are gaining three bits that will equip them for life in their globalized future. They may be missing the grind of an American election year but they’ll be able to name world leaders, identify flags, and capitals and political systems from nations all over the world. They may not know who won the last Superbowl but they will know who won the last World Cup.
The world is getting smaller and the challenges in it are not. It’s very cool to watch our kids learn so much about a world that we didn’t even know existed when we were their age.
Incredible.
Some days the fears get the best of me. Sometimes I don’t even want to be here let alone raise my kids here.
But today — I’m soaking it up.
