Jul 15, 2014 |
Hey good news. No matter what you’re feeling right now . . . you’re normal.
If you are among the thousands of families who are in (or recently went through) the process of packing up your lives and relocating to China then I’m happy to tell you that whatever is going on inside that confused little head and heart of yours is absolutely, undeniably . . . normal.
It’s normal to be excited. It’s normal to be scared.
It’s even normal to be massive amounts of both at the same time and not know which one you are at any given moment. Don’t feel guilty if you catch yourself looking at your kids and thinking to yourself, “what in the world are we doing?!”
Trust me. You are not alone.
Stepping out into the unknown with children can be nerve wracking. So in the interest of pulling your expectations and reality a little bit closer together . . .
Here are 6 tips to help you prepare for raising kids in China:
Tip #1: Prepare for Space Invasion
No doubt about it — Westerners love them some personal space. We’ve been trained from the earliest days of our lives that there is an invisible force field around us which no one is allowed into. If you stand in my space I get uncomfortable. If you drive into my space, I shake my fist and call you a moron. If you listen into my space you are eavesdropping (jerk). If you look into my space I can fight you.
“You lookin’ at me? You got a problem? You must have a problem cause you’re lookin’ at me.”
We learned from our mothers that staring at weird things is rude (unless, of course, the weird things you are staring at don’t know you are staring). Personal space has consequently become one of our most precious values.
In China (suffice it to say) it is less of a value and guess what . . . you are one of the weird things.
It’s pretty common for foreigners (like yourself) to get frustrated by curious onlookers who are breaking all of the personal space rules that they have grown to love deeply.
Old men who stand three feet away and stare incessantly. Old ladies who tell you to put more clothes on your baby. Mothers who grab their kids, point and say, “there’s one, there’s one!” Crowds that gather to take your picture. In some form or another your personal space will be invaded. Count on it.
It might help to know that what is happening is cultural and not personal. It might also help to remember that the space around you (where your force field usually sits) is actually Chinese space — and you’re standing in it. Bonus Tips
- Don’t be ugly: Expecting China to conform to your version of what equals rude is not only unfair, it is unlikely to change anything. You’re the visitor. Learn how to show respect (their version).
- Don’t over think it: You’re not a freak of nature nor are you a superstar. If either of those walked by they probably wouldn’t even notice you. There are just a different set of rules surrounding space ownership and you may be the most interesting thing in their space at the moment.
- Don’t exaggerate: ALL of China does not stop and stare when you enter the room. 90+% are likely unconcerned by your presence. That number goes down when you move to the country side or a tourist hot spot but generally speaking you’re not the most fascinating thing in China.
Tip #2: Protect Politely
More good news. Your kids are normal too.
Some kids love the limelight. Posing for pictures with perfect strangers and practicing English with three year olds in a crowded supermarket is fun for them.
In my experience those kids are the exception and not the rule. It is not the least bit uncommon for kids to be overwhelmed and even stressed to anger by the constant attention.
Your dual role as Mother Hen and Yoda may be stretched. As Mother Hen nothing tweaks you more than people stressing your kids out and protecting them is your highest calling. As Yoda you feel tremendous pressure to cultivate these impressionable young minds into kind, compassionate global citizens.
Both are essential.
Forcing your kids to “perform” when they are irritated or embarrassed is a great way to build resentment. Snapping at curious on lookers is a great way to drive a wedge between two cultures and build the understanding in your kids that they are better than the people around them.
It’s not easy but striking the balance is key. Show your kids that they are your top priority but teach them to respond with respect and politeness. Even if the answer is, “no I don’t want to have my picture taken”, show them how to say it without anger and without causing a loss of face.
Bonus Tips
- Know your kids: With children feeling confused, terrified and helpless can look exactly the same as being a spoiled brat. As a parent your job is to know the difference and to provide guidance accordingly.
- Know China: Be a constant explorer of Chinese culture and never be satisfied with what you have learned. There is always more to it. The more you know the more equipped you will be to both help your kids make sense of the confusion and be gracious and respectful to your hosts.
- Know People: Sometimes it’s not a culture thing. People everywhere are both different and very much the same. Respect may be received and understood through cultural filters but once it is received it is universally powerful.
Tip #3: Chart Your Course
Answer this question: What are the skills, values and experiences that you want your kids to gain while they are in China?
Now lay the answer to that question on top of your timeline and you’ll have the basic framework for charting your course. It is two painfully simple elements:
- What do you want to happen?
- How long do you have to work on it?
There is no rocket science here but most people never do it. Carve out some time and think it through as a family on the front end of your China journey.
- Skills – What do you want your children to be able to do when they leave China that is best learned while you are there?
- Speak Chinese? Play Chinese Chess (the real kind)? Cook your favorite dishes?
- Values – What are the character traits that you want to be built into your kids through this experience?
- Respect for other cultures? Adventurous eating habits? Thinking globally?
- Experiences – What do you want your kids to experience first hand while you are living in China?
- Spring Festival with a Chinese family? Traveling to other parts of Asia? Serving people in poverty?
This is the kicker. None of these things just happens because you live in China. Thinking through your time at the beginning will help you determine what it takes to get them done and what the course of action is for ensuring that you hit your goals and help your kids grow through this time.
Tip #4: Relax — Your Kids are Safe(r)
There is a commonly held sentiment among many expat parents living in China that is hard to believe until you’ve experienced it yourself. Even among the space invaders, the hair touslers, the unsolicited advice givers, the incessant starers and the random strangers offering candy to your kids on the street . . . China often feels safer than home.
My disclaimer is this — there are bad people everywhere and you should protect your kids.
However China, generally speaking, has bragging rights when it comes to violent crime rates, predators and deviants. Granted I’m coming from America (which doesn’t fare so well on the Global crime stage) but here are some stats:
- The U.S. crime rates are 3 times higher than China
- Murder rates are nearly 5 times higher
- Robberies are 6 times higher
- 73% higher in” fear of being attacked”
- 81% higher in “fear of being robbed at home”
- 144% higher in drug related offenses
- China ranks 13th in in the world for “feeling safe walking alone at night” — The U.S. ranks 60th
stats from nationmaster.com
China has it’s own issues. Don’t be surprised if your pocket gets picked on a crowded bus or your bike gets stolen while your ordering a Big Mac but once you settle in and learn the rules you will likely enjoy less anxiety about creeps, lurkers and violent criminals than you do in most comparable urban areas around the world.
Tip #5: Let Your Kids Eat Seaweed and Chicken Feet
Simply put — don’t coach your kids on what is gross or weird or disgusting or “normal”. If health or safety or morality is not an issue then let them explore and arrive at their own conclusions. They’ll figure it out and develop some important life skills in the process.
Food is part of it but there is also a bigger picture. Depending on their age and experience they have the opportunity to draw from the best parts of at least two different cultures (often more). As a kid that experience translates into a broader palate and some really cool experiences but it grows up into the ability to be a bridge between entire groups of people who might otherwise struggle to understand each other.
The world needs more people like that.
Your kid is learning to judge based on how much you wrinkle your nose.
Wrinkle sparingly.
Tip #6: Lead the Way
Want your kids to love their time in China? Then love your time in China.
It’s a simple formula really. They are programmed to take their cues from you.
When you have a bad day and blame it on China they will learn to do the same. When you yell at people for staring they’ll know that staring is rude but yelling is ok. When you withdraw and crawl under a rock they’ll make a mental note about how to deal with stress.
Want them to learn Chinese? Learn Chinese. Want them to be adventurous? Be adventurous. Want them to make Chinese friends?
You get the picture.
There’s no guarantee that China will be great for them but the chances of that happening are astronomically higher if it’s great for you.
Lead on.
We’re really just scratching the surface here but if this is helpful spend some time chatting about it with your family.
If you know someone who is raising (or is about to raise) kids in China, pass it on.
And if you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy — What tips do you have for raising kids in China?
Peace of Mind for the China Expat
These tips were written as a guest post for my great friends at Having a Baby in China.com If parenting in China is or ever will be a part of your life you need to check out this site. Tons of practical resources, great advice and genuine support.
Seriously. Go there. Right now. You’re Welcome.
Apr 9, 2014 |
From buzzfeed – 30 Strange Adopt a Highway Signs
Adoption.
That word is big in our house. It represents the decision that changed everything and it’s inseparable from pretty much everything since then. It’s loaded. Loaded with amazing memories of joy and exhaustion and excitement and frustration and anticipation and intense focus and painful waiting and travel and wondering . . . “Is this actually going to happen?” . . . “Is this really happening?” . . . “Did that really happen?” It has both stretched and strengthened our faith and our marriage and it has introduced us to spectacular people from all over the globe who also have adoption shaped stories
It is so much a part of us that we forget about it . . . but it is the first thing that people notice when they meet our family.
No question. It’s a big word in our house . . . but do we (and the people like us) own the rights to it?
Should I be offended when I see people adopting puppies or kittens or roads or beaches or trash cans? I know people who are. I also know of people who commit significant chunks of their lives to the causes of getting people to “adopt” things other than children.
There has been an increasing avalanche of the word “adoption” used as a marketing tool for virtually everything and I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. I’m torn. Conflicted. Right on the fence. So, I thought I might take a look at it from both sides in an attempt to start (for the first time ever on The Culture Blend) an online argument between all of my readers. I encourage both of you to be passionate, opinionated and keep the swearing to a minimum.
Point – Counterpoint
Point: Adoption is Sacred
For a family formed by adoption it feels cheap to attach the same word to a program designed to get people to pick up litter on their block. This is my family. These are my children. To compare them to a puppies (no matter how cute) is offensive.
Counterpoint: “Adoption” is a Word
Words carry multiple levels of meaning. Like “love”. I can love my kids and love my puppy. Obviously the type of love that I have for my kids is greater and stronger but it is not lessened by the fact that I also love my dog. Adopting animals is clearly a different kind of adoption but still fits within the definition of the word.
Point – Enough is Enough
Ok. Puppies and kittens make some sense. Pets can be viable (albeit lower status than children) parts of the family. You bring them home, you feed them, you clean up their messes, you train them and you would be terribly sad if anything bad happened to them. Fair enough. But here’s the short list of other things you can “adopt” (click away).
- Whales, Butterflies, Goats, Dolphins, Wolves, Turtles and Puffins
- Streets, Roads, Blocks, Highways, Streams and Rivers
- Parks, Beaches, Wetlands, Rain Forests, Fields and Countries
- Rooms, Schools, Houses, Churches, Villages and Cities
- Fire Hydrants, Mailboxes, Flower Beds, Gardens and Toilets
- Pilots, Pastors, Potters, Sailors, Soldiers, Heros, Athletes and Atheists
- Politicians, Artists, Firemen, Policemen and Grandparents
- Unicorns, Spots, Small Businesses, Coral Reefs, Storm Drains and Canadians
Really? At what point does this become overkill?
Counterpoint – Accessibility and Free Speech
Attaching the word “adoption” to a “call to action” campaign of any kind gives people a concept to connect to. Lot’s of great programs rely on the volunteer help of other people and calling on them to “adopt” versus “support” or “sponsor” provides a humanized entry point that is less likely to scare them off. People can get on board with adopting something but they don’t need another time/money consuming commitment. Also, even if it is overkill, that’s our right, right?
Point – What do adopted kids think?
My kids are proud of the adoption part of their story and they should be. They love to hear about the journey that led to us and them coming together. We worked and saved and prayed and cried and celebrated hard all because they were more precious and more valuable than anything we could ever dream of. There is great worth in adoption. And hey, for a price we could also adopt a toilet.
What does that do to their perspective of adoption?
Counterpoint -Don’t be so touchy
You don’t see non-adopted kids getting all offended by people who claim that their pets are their actual children. You know who I’m talking about. They are well meaning and absolutely convinced. They set a place for their dog at the table, buy him clothes, shoes, pedicures, back rubs, doggy waffles and Christmas presents. Ask them how many are in their family and you’ll get something like,
“Oh just me and my wife and three kids. Julie’s in 6th grade, she’s our ballet dancer. Jakey’s in Kidergarten, just started Karate classes. And our youngest is Johnny. He’s a Cocker Spaniel and he loves Netflix.”
Those people are awkward to be around . . . but as an actual, bonafide biological child of my parents I am not offended by them.
So what do you think?
Are you offended by flippant use of a personally special word? Annoyed by what seem to be oversensitive members of the adoption community? Disturbed by these Awkward Family Photos? Conflicted and on the fence with me? Indifferent but looking for a good blog fight?
This is your place. Have at it and pass it on.
Jan 22, 2014 |
Welcome to part 3 of a 3 parter. Congratulations, you are almost finished.
Let’s review.
There are three keys to helping your kids thrive through transition. They are Rock, Paper and Scissors.
1. Rock = Stability: (click here) “There can be tremendous stability in a home that is in consistent transition when kids know . . . really know . . . that some things never change.”
2. Paper = Your Story: (click here) “Creatively keeping track of your story will give your kids a healthy connection to the pieces that they have let go of.”
Now for the Scissors.
Drumroll . . .
Scissors = Simplicity (I have already said too much)
Simply put (pun intended), cut some things out and trim some things down.
Two simple principles
1. Everything is bigger in transition (except you)
There is a rhythm to life on auto pilot that is disrupted by major transition. Consequently every event, every challenge, every part of every day life takes up more space and carries more weight.
2. Your kids need you to be healthy more than they need you to help them
There is a profound brilliance to the inflight safety instructions that you ignore every time you fly. You know, that part about the unlikely event of losing cabin pressure. “If you are traveling with a child, secure your mask first, and then assist the child.” Point being, you can’t help your kids if you’re passed out on the airplane floor.
More than anything, kids in transition need parents who are transitioning well. (Pay attention, this is good) We cannot transition well if we are pretending that nothing has changed. Everything has changed. Everything is bigger. Except you.
Going to the doctor is bigger. Why? Because you have to find a doctor. Then fill out the first time forms. Then go through all of the first time pleasantries and get to know you’s. Do we have your charts? Do we have your insurance card? Do you smoke, drink, exercise, gamble, skydive? How many days a week do you eat fried foods? The whole event is bigger.
Shopping is bigger. New grocery store. Where are the pickles? They should be right here. That’s where they were at the old place. Why would they not put the pickles right here? Bigger.
Cooking dinner is bigger. Honey, where do we put the skillets now?!!
Everything is bigger and there is more of it . . . except you. You are the same and you cannot carry the same load that you are used to because everything in the load . . . say it with me . . . is bigger. For your own sake (which is very much for the sake of your children) . . .
It is time to simplify.
Two simple questions
1. What can you cut out?
What are the things that you can do without temporarily? Not forever. Just until life is normal again.
2. What can you trim down?
Maybe you can’t get rid of it altogether but you can make it smaller and less consuming.
Some Simple Thoughts on Simpleness
1. Get Crystal Clear on your Values
Knowing what is important is the first step to cutting out and trimming down. Another way to say that is, if it’s not important don’t do it. Make your short list of the most important things in your life and filter everything through that list.
2. Don’t Justify Your Busyness with Your Values
If your kids are not on your short list you should go back and give that another shot. However, volunteering to be the President of the Parents and Teachers Organization which meets every Tuesday night and one Saturday morning a month may not be the best choice as you transition. You could easily justify it though. After all, you want your kids, whom you love very much, to have a good education and the best way to ensure that is to get involved right?
“Absolutely right” . . . said the parent who then passed out on the airplane floor.
Get your mask on first. Then join the PTO.
3. Think Long Term
Transition is a season. It won’t be like this forever. Just because you don’t have space for it right now doesn’t mean you won’t later. You might make a fine president next year but for now focus on the highest values.
4. Get Comfortable Saying No
Depending on the community that you are transitioning into you may suffer from “fresh meat syndrome”. Some communities (especially smaller and over worked ones) get hyper excited when new people arrive. They may have you pre-volunteered to be the basketball coach, the Sunday School teacher or errand boy before you ever ride into town. Know your limits and politely decline.
If you need to blame it on your kids go for it. People understand that. “You know, I’d really love to but we’re kind of transitioning right now and my kids really need some extra attention from me.”
Boom. 1000% true and socially acceptable.
5. Own Less Stuff
Transition can be a good time to enjoy the simplicity of the necessities. We are in the process of restocking our lives and finding ourselves pleasantly surprised by how little we really need. Stuff can be helpful but it can also mean a lot of maintenance and a lot a distraction that we just don’t have space for right now.
Transition has given us the opportunity to purge on a number of occasions. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend selling all of your things but if you find yourself in the process of rebuilding it can be a wonderful time to enjoy the natural peace and quiet of fewer things.
6. Rest Well
Sleep, or the lack thereof, makes everything smaller. If you’re not getting adequate rest you have less ability to concentrate, remember, tolerate stress and apply the wealth of wisdom that is in your brain to any given challenge. In short, you are less of a person (no offense). Add transition to that and you are less of a person trying to carry more of a load. Unfortunately the heavier load may be the reason you’re not getting sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.
Step one: Go to bed.
7. Unplug
I am no righteous soapboxer on this one. I love movie night. We pay monthly for Netflix. I have employed both the Wonderpets and Kung Fu Panda as a babysitter. I am not anti-electricity . . . however . . . I will provide a strong testimony to the fact that our best family moments are unplugged. They come around a dinner table or playing some ridiculous game.
Those are the times that we get to see inside of our kid’s amazing little minds. That’s when we really know how this whole transition thing is going for them.
8. Have a Plan
Everything runs smoother with a plan. The hours of your life that will be wasted trying to make decisions on the fly can often be saved by thinking it through for a few minutes before you begin. If you’re an average parent of average school age kids you are lucky to get three hours with them in the evening before it is time for bed.
Not having a plan looks like this:
Dad: “What do you want to eat?”
Mom: “I don’t care, what do you want?”
Kid 1: “MCDONALDS!!!”
Kid 2: “NO PIZZA!!”
Kid 1: NO!! MCDONALDS”
Dad: “We are not having Mcdonalds! We just had Mcdonalds last night!!”
Kid 2: “YEEAAHH!! PIZZA!!
Kid 1: DAAAAAADDD!!
Mom: “I don’t really feel like pizza.”
Kid 2: “MAAAHHHHHMMMM!!”
Dad: “Let’s just eat something at home.”
Kids 1 & 2: “NNOOOO!!! WE NEVER GO OUT TO EAT!!!
Mom: “THAT’S ENOUGH!! WE ARE EATING AT HOME!! IT’S HEALTHIER AND WE CAN WATCH TV WHILE WE EAT AND I’M THE MOTHER AND I SAY SO!!!”
Dad: “Yes. Settled. Eating at home. What do you want?”
Mom: I don’t care, what do you want?”
Even if the plan was eat at McDonalds (and there should probably be another blog post about why you should never eat at McDonald’s during transition) you could get there, eat your meal and be home by the time this conversation ends.
Understand this is not simply about meal planning. Everything runs smoother with a plan. Thinking ahead will make your life much simpler.
The bottom line is that transition can be chaotic and what your kids need is you. You at your best. You at your healthiest. You focused on what is most important . . . breathing . . . and then helping them breath.
Dec 10, 2013 |
First things first – If you haven’t read part one of of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” you can click here to catch up
This blog post is built entirely on the foundation of two painful realities. The first is universally understood and the second should make sense soon.
1. Kids grow up too fast
2. Transition costs time
You rarely hear a parent complaining about how long it took to raise their children. Unless their kids are 42 and still living at home. That’s a different demographic. I’m talking about the parents who are lugging boxes and suitcases into a college dorm room while frantically quizzing their 18 year olds on every last bit of moral, legal and practical advice that they have ever offered from birth to the present moment. Those are the parents who will be standing in the university parking lot until midnight, stunned and confused because earlier that week they were pulling light bright pegs out of that kids nose and bribing them with chocolate to eat something green.
Kids grow up too fast.
The plot thickens with kids in transition. My daughter is 10 and has lived in 7 different cities in the US and China. Even though we are hoping to settle in for a while we are also currently living in a rented apartment while we look for a house . . . to rent while we look for a house to buy. Transition has been a huge part of our daughters life.
I would like to pause here to quote myself and then I will also make a confession:
“There can be tremendous stability in a home that is in consistent transition when kids know . . . really know . . . that some things never change.”
That was my statement in the first installment of this three parter and I’m sticking to it. I believe it and my wife and I are committed to living it.
However, I will also confess that each transition knocks the tar out of our normalness (now a word) and we become all but consumed with the pursuit of a new normal. It begins with the basics like, “where is the grocery store?” but it encompasses every part of a normal life.
- “How do we get around this city?”
- “Where is it safe? Where is it not safe?”
- “How do we hook up the internet? television? phone?”
- “How do we pay for our internet? television? phone?”
- “Where is the good food? the bad food? the cheap food, our favorite food?”
- “Where will be buy clothes? shoes? batteries? cold medicine?”
- “Where will our kids go to school?”
- “Who will their new friends be?”
- “Who will our new friends be?”
- “Where will we worship? Where will we go for fun? Where will we go on a date?”
Every no brainer from our previous normal state suddenly becomes a brainer all over again. Decisions take 7 times as long because we either have to Google it or phone a friend before we can form an even slightly educated judgment. The double whammy is that, while our home is still rock solid, it is anything but normal AND while we are living in this constant state of abnormality we are spending an exaggerated portion of our days trying to discover what our new normal would even look like.
Six months. A year. Two. I think it’s different for everyone but still I believe it is always true . . .
Transition costs time.
Meanwhile our kids are growing up too fast.
We can’t afford to be spending time finding normal when our kids are going to college next week. That’s where the paper comes in.
If Rock is STABILITY.
Paper is your STORY.
We have not yet given up our hopes of a machine (or at least an app) that causes time to stand still however, until that is released we don’t want to miss a thing. When this amazing adventure of our children’s youth is finished we want to be able to read the story over and over again in a dozen different ways. Fun ways. Creative ways.
Here’s what I’m discovering about telling your story through transition
- Telling your story can actually make the adventure more adventurous.
- Reflecting well can help your kids process transition.
- Creatively keeping track of your story will give your kids a healthy connection to the pieces that they have let go of.
- Seeing your whole story helps you stay focused on how great the story is versus how crummy your current transition is.
- Celebrating where you have been can get your kids (and you) excited about where your going.
- Really good storytelling is a form of stability.
- I am never letting my kids leave the house . . . you know . . . when we get a house.
And here are five suggestions of the practical sort (hint – don’t get hung up on the paper part, it’s a metaphor)
Some we have tried. Some we want to.
1. Spell your name
You’ve seen this right? City names spelled out using pictures of architectural landmarks that look like letters. We had a blast searching for “letters” at an ancient cultural landmark in the city where our daughter was born. We finally found them all — “JONES” (just in case you can’t make it out). We came away with a powerful memory from a once in a lifetime trip and a meaningful picture to hang on the wall. Boom.
For more about our adoption roots tour read these
2. Time Lapse Photography
Watching your kids grow right in front of your eyes may be painful but it could also be pretty cool. For homebodies, choosing a backdrop and snapping a quick pic once a year will leave you with a great line of pictures and an even greater set of memories. If you’re a regular transitioner, however, it may not really work to have your kids stand in front of the house on the last day of school every year since you may not own that same house next year and may be subject to arrest if the new owners press charges. Choose something you can carry with you. We have pictures of my daughter starting when she was three wearing one of my shirts. I think it will be funnier with my son to have one when he is 16 and wearing one of his own shirts from when he was three. Lots of options.
3. World Map Wall
If you’re a world traveler document it on your kids wall with the biggest world map you can find. Better yet, paint a whole wall with a world map. If your kids are TCK’s they have the luxury of seeing the world in relationships instead of stereotypes. It’s also likely that they have lots of people whom they love that don’t live near them. Print pictures of their friends and family and stick them on the map where they live. Circle the places you have traveled. Put a star by the places you want to travel. Poke pins in the airports they have been to. Go crazy. The whole thing will keep them connected to people they care about and let them celebrate the fact that they are global citizens.
4. Flag Brag Bags
Kids who travel have a sense of pride in their adventure. Why not let them show it off a bit? Every time your family travels to a new country order an iron on patch of that countries flag and let them put it on a special bag that they can carry with them. There are billions of such patches online and they are generally dirt cheap. You’ll be amazed at how excited your kids get when they are able to add a new patch. We went to Niagara Falls this summer and made absolutely sure that we crossed the bridge just so we could get our Canada patch.
Bonus tip: Two words will make you a hero. “Airports count”
5. This Day in History
I love this one especially for world travelers but it works for anyone. Wherever you are on your kids birthday, buy a newspaper. People pay money for those little books that tell you the price of fuel and who won the Nobel Peace Prize in the year you were born. How much better would it be if you had world, national and local news, weather and sports for every one of your birthdays?
My friends brother has such papers and lined up next to each other they make a timeline of his environment based on his birthday. The most interesting point is that he was born in America on September 11th. Starting in 2002 the front page showed roughly the same picture and gradually showed our country being able to move ahead. Somber but very cool.
I love that story because my son shares his birthday.
Think of it this way – when you finally leave the university parking lot and return to your empty nest . . . what do you want to look at while you wonder what just happened?
I’d love to hear how you are documenting the story of your kids who are growing up too fast -OR – How you did tell the story of your kids who already grew up too fast?
Dec 1, 2013 |
We are easing back into the American life one baby step at a time.
While eating our frozen yogurt in Costco last evening we had one of those horrifying parent moments. As a gentleman of the . . . ahem . . . portly persuasion walked past our table, our son’s eyes widened, his pupils dilated, his jaw dropped and we could see it coming. Unfortunately not soon enough to prevent it from happening. He stated loudly and with great surprise in his voice,
“HE’S SO FAT!!”
There are actually multiple, simultaneous biological functions that occur when events like this conspire. As your entire digestive system shrivels up like a styrofoam cup on a bonfire your heart accelerates to 18 times its normal pace which expands the capillaries beginning in your face and rushing throughout your body knocking the plug off of your pituitary gland which unleashes a fire hydrant surge of the endorphins that cause embarrassment and shame. This causes an involuntary avoidance of eye contact and a quick prayer for God to administer momentary, retroactive deafness to everyone in the Costco food court.
I will now state my case for why we are not the worst parents on the planet
1. Our son is 4
Four year olds have an innocent fascination with anything that appears outside of their frame of reference. I believe he intended no malice.
2. Our son has grown up in China where:
a. There is a considerably lower percentage of portly people
b. We rarely panicked when he would say embarrassing things because the surrounding crowd, most likely, didn’t speak English well enough to understand a three year old. This was especially beneficial when he was 9 months and accidentally screamed obscenities every time he saw a rock.
c. Calling someone fat is more of an observation than an insult. “Hey Jerry. Long time no see. You look fat. How is your family?” A conversation that I am unfortunately familiar with.
3. He learned it at home
After six months of binging in America on red meat and processed carbohydrates that have been deep fried in lard, soaked in syrup and coated in sugar we are beginning to feel a bit portly ourselves. I believe the word we use at home is the word in question. Fat. I also believe that the tone in which we use the “F” word (albeit first person and not third) is the exact same tone that our son chose to use at Costco. Surprise and volume.
“I AM SO FAT!!”
4. Surely our kid is not the only one
Am I right? Surely I’m right. Please tell me I’m right?
I wish I could say that this story ends well.
As our bodies returned to their natural state we had the talk with our son. It was the standard talk, trying to explain to a four year old why people don’t like to be called fat, especially when it is screamed loudly in the middle of a crowded Costco. He assured us that he understood.
Moments later (as if on cue) a woman (of an even portlier persuasion) was heading our direction. Our innards pre-shriveled. Our pituitary glands braced themselves for impact. We both looked at him and said . . . “DON’T SAY IT.”
He assured us that all was ok so we breathed a misguided sigh of relief just as she walked by — and he said with no surprise, but still great volume . . .
“IF YOU’RE FAT IT IS OKAY!!”
Baby steps.
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For more awkward moments try these:
Nov 27, 2013 |
I could easily be convinced that making all decisions, major and minor, foreign and domestic by means of Rock Paper Scissors is the purest and most diplomatic form of government . . . but that’s a different blog.
This one is about kids.
Kids like mine. Kids who have been through or are right in the middle of major life transitions. My kids have done it before (when we moved to China) and are doing it again (now in America). In fact if transition were a person he would be one of the most familiar faces in our family and my kids would know him well.
The question is, “would they like him?”
Would transition be the cool uncle who brings them great gifts, opens their eyes to new things and takes them to awesome places or would he be the creepy uncle who puts them in a headlock, gives them noogies* and says, “pull my finger”?
Transition is one relationship that my kids cannot ignore. So instead of complaining about it, ignoring it or making excuses for it when we know it is coming over for the Holidays I would prefer that they develop a healthy outlook towards it.
I think Rock Paper Scissors is the answer.
Let’s start with ROCK
Rocks don’t move when everything else does. Wait. Flip that around. When everything else moves . . . rocks don’t.
If your kids are like mine (and you are like me) you worry sometimes. You worry that transition is going to break them. You worry that the constant moving pieces in their every day lives are going to be too much for their fragile minds to handle. You worry that all of the third culture kid stereotypes and statistics are going to do permanent damage.
• “I don’t know how to answer the question, ‘where am I from?'”
• “I’m not sure where home is”
This is where the rock part comes in. I am genuinely convinced of what I’m about to say however it is attached to a HUGE BUT (don’t go there).
TRANSITION ≠ INSTABILITY
(BUT . . . If there are no rocks it does)
Rocks are the pieces that don’t move when everything else does. They are the things that will always be present and real and unchanging even when everything else in your child’s life feels like a tornado. Rocks are the objects that always travel with you, the traditions that you never miss and the quirky little mannerisms that make your family distinct. The single requirement is that they can and do remain constant no matter where you live or how much your surroundings shift. When everything else changes . . . they don’t. There’s a good chance that they’re what you roll your eyes at as a kid and remember with great fondness as an adult.
What are your rocks?
You’re not alone if your first response is the big stuff. Love, Family, God. No argument from me. Those are rocks for sure but they’re not what I’m talking about here. I’m going one level more specific. If love is an unchanging rock in your family, how do you express it to your kids? And could you still do it that way if you lived in Mexico City, or Nairobi or the International Space Station? If God is an immovable rock in your faith how do your kids know it?
There can be tremendous stability in a home that is in consistent transition when kids know . . . really know . . . that some things never change.
Here are Five Ideas of the Practical Sort . . .
1. Rock Your Family Night
Lots of families have family night but it takes on life when you give it a personality of it’s own. Pizza and popcorn are the rocks in our family night. From there we watch a movie or play a game but pizza and popcorn are the non-negotiables. No matter where in the world we have been so far we have successfully found some variation of these two things. We have scoured unfamiliar cities to scrounge up some dreadful, nasty pizza and stale, practically petrified popcorn but we have always arisen victorious and family night has lived on.
What can you add to your family night that is 100% transferrable to any location and will become something that your kids recognize as a symbol of the strength of your family?
2. Rock Your Own Family Day
Think of it. What if June 14th was (insert your family name here) Extravaganza Celebration Day? Think back to your childhood. Which days stand out more than any others? Remember blowing out candles on your birthday cake? Waking up your parents on Christmas morning? Passing out love notes or ears of hardened feed corn with your 2nd grade dream girls name on it which you spelled out by meticulously removing one kernel at a time in hopes that she might choose you as her Valentine over Chris Tomkins?* Anyone? Me Neither.
What if there were one extra special day of the year that belonged entirely to your family? A holiday just for you.
You decide what the traditions are. You choose the special foods, write the special songs and buy the special gifts. Take the day off work. Pull your kids out of school. Play it up and make it something worth looking forward to every year. Your kids will grow to love it and you can celebrate no matter where you live.
Declare it to be so. Pick a day and name it “The Annual Festival of the Joneses Day” (only change it to your name – that’s our day).
3. Rock a Family Mascot
If you’ve lived overseas, you’ve more than likely been asked to accompany “Flat Stanley” on a tour of your neighborhood. Flat Stanley is a brilliant idea where 1st graders color Stanley, cut him out and send him to visit friends all over the world. Then they compile the pictures of his travels to the Grand Canyon, the Great Wall and Grandma’s back yard. Stanley’s got it good.
What if your family had it’s own Stanley? Only instead of traveling without you he only went where you go. Important side note: it’s not essential that you call him Stanley. You can call him anything you like. Call him Goober if you want to.
Including a family mascot, whether it is a colored piece of paper, a stuffed animal or a rubber chicken, in your family pictures is a fun way to run a simple unifying thread through your memories. Think of the wall of pictures that you will someday have with your kids at various ages in different places all accompanied by a rubber chicken named Goober.
Let your kids choose a family mascot who will accompany you from this point forward on all of your adventures.
4. Rock the Old Traditions
Holiday traditions are an extremely important part of building stability in chaos and giving your kids a connection to your passport culture even if they have never lived there. The most memorable traditions though are the customized family ones that you and your kids can own and will stick with them forever. This is your chance to upgrade the run of the mill celebrations to distinctly yours. It can also be a good chance to incorporate your host culture and your home culture if you are living cross culturally.
For example:
- We always sing happy birthday in English, Chinese and Korean. It’s a tradition we picked up in China because all three languages were often represented in any given birthday party but now it’s a part of who we are.
- On Christmas Eve we give each of our kids a small amount of money, draw names between the four of us, split up at the mall and buy small gifts for each other in one hour. Then we get ice cream.
- We take a picture of our kids every year in the same Santa hat.
Be creative. Make a plan to customize the old traditions.
5. Rock the Generosity
Simply put, I want to do things that build character in my kids. I don’t want them to simply see me doing something generous now and again. I want generosity to be a rock that they see in me no matter what else changes. This can be a tough one because generosity wears different robes depending on the culture it is being expressed in. Giving gifts for example, always comes attached to a cultural obligation. Where I come from it is humble appreciation. Not expressing appropriate gratitude can be extremely rude and may impact a relationship. In China, however, the obligation is repayment. Not repaying a gift or a good deed, with something of equal or greater value may lead to a loss of face and/or strained relationships.
Consider the cultural implications and commit to living generously. Ask your kids for ideas. They’re smarter than you.
Kids who thrive through transition ARE an option. Rocks are a decent place to start. Paper and Scissors are good to . . . but that’s another blog.
I’m anxious to hear about the rocks that have worked for you.
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*For those with no older brothers or creepy uncles
noog • ie – ˈno͝ogē
noun – a hard poke or grind with the knuckles, esp. on a person’s head.
*Chris Tomkin’s name has been changed to avoid any legal recourse surrounding the defamation of his conniving, two bit, no good, box of chocolate giving, no creativity having character (or lack thereof). But you know who you are Chris Tomkins. You know.
