Cause’ You Can’t Make One? What China Thinks About Adoption

May 24, 2011 | 8 comments

My family is a walking confusion storm in China.  Big white guy with a gorgeous white wife holding hands with a seven year old Chinese girl speaking freakishly advanced English (10th Grade according to her 1st grade SAT scores) who frequently hugs and kisses a chunky, 20 month old, extremely well tanned, highly intense little boy consistently, yet inadvertently screaming obscenities in English and possibly Chinese (we don’t know those words yet).  Yeah . . . people stare.
Our family was built by adoption and we love that.  We celebrate it and we teach our kids to do the same.  We knew when we signed on though that we would be different and different is in the eye of the beholder.  You don’t have to convince me that my family is beautiful but one man’s beauty is another man’s confusion storm.  Seeing our blended family through China’s eyes has been the most refreshing and the most challenging part of our life here.
The one thing I have learned (and hope to learn deeper) is that no matter what or how much you understand about someone’s else’s perspective . . . there is always more to it. 
Lucky Babies
The first thing you hear when you adopt a child in China is “lucky baby.”  It’s a great lesson in the power of interpretation.  At face value (through culturally dense ears) it would be easy to hear, “Oh look at the sweet little Chinese baby who gets to go live a wonderful life in America (or Canada or Australia or England or with some other rich, white people) free from the chains of Communist oppression.”  Confession time . . . that’s what I thought “lucky baby” meant.  It doesn’t.  I wish I could say with precision what it does mean but I do know there are a world of cultural dynamics packed into those two words.
What does luck mean? Where does human value come from? Lucky because they get out of a bad life or into a good life? What makes a life good? Money? Education? McDonald’s three times a week? What makes life bad? Seriously, this list goes on for days but it’s safe to say, regardless of your first interpretation . . . There’s probably more to it.
What’s Adoption?
One of the shockers for us has been the difficulty explaining adoption to our Chinese inquirers.  It rarely seems to be a given that our two kids, who look nothing like us, are adopted.  There is always an explanation and even though our pronunciation is horrendous we know how to say, “adopted” in Chinese.  Still nothing.  “Adopted.”  Nothing.  “Like from an orphanage.”  “Ohhhhh.”  The lights go on and the deeper questions can finally begin.
For us it seems baffling.  “Seriously? What part about us doesn’t scream adoption.”  In contrast though, adoption is not so commonplace in China and when it happens the child generally looks a whole lot more like his or her parents than ours do.  It’s fair for us to be baffled but fairness, by definition, goes both ways.  For me it helps to imagine meeting a Chinese couple in middle America walking hand in hand with a seven year old blonde haired, blue eyed white girl speaking 10th grade Chinese and hugging a chubby Mexican baby (inadvertently screaming Chinese obscenities).  Baffling huh?  That’s us.
But there’s probably more to it
You’ve Got a Good Heart
When the lights go on the most common response is a big thumbs up with a hearty, “Ahhhh, you have a good heart!”  I like that one.  Makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  If it were up to me we would just leave it there.  I would say, “thank you, you’re too kind” and move on.  Unfortunately . . .  there’s probably more to it.
The Rescuer Mentality
Wrapped up in the “goodness of our hearts” is an underlying statement that we have saved these children. The idea is that without us they would have a hopeless existence so we swooped in to snatch them from certain despair and give them hope . . . and McDonalds three times a week.  The less noble truth is that we adopted because there was a hole in our family.  We weren’t complete and it made us sad.  As much as Rachel and Judah needed us . . . we needed them.  They are our children not our project.
I would love to point my bony finger here but the truth is I probably began with a rescuer mentality.  I think a lot of adoptive parents do and I’m sure a lot hold on to it.  It’s a heated topic among the adoption community but for us rescuing our kids from where they were is kind of like biological parents rescuing their children from the womb.  Yeah, they’d be miserable if you left them there . . . but so would we (ok mostly mom in that situation but when momma ain’t happy . . . ).
Sidenote – We have several friends who are fostering or have adopted children who would have, without question, died had they not stepped in.  They are my heroes.  They are beautiful, wonderful people with hearts the size of a bus but I bet even if you offered it to them, none of them would take the title of Savior.   I get it though.  When I look at them I can understand why it is common for Chinese to lean that way (if only on the surface).
But there’s probably more to it . . . 
Pronouns Are Key
“Is this your child?”
Our answer, of course, is always a resounding yes.  From there we get a myriad of responses from, “Impossible, he’s so black” to “are you sure? her hair looks like a Chinese girl.”  It’s the “your” that gets them.  I think generally speaking a possessive pronoun carries the weight of biological birth.  Semantically speaking they are asking, “did this child come from you?”  We know what they mean but we’re not about say no, even for the sake of cultural understanding.  We don’t hide from the adoption issue at all but we do let them squirm for a moment while they try to figure us out.  Usually it leads to a nice conversation but when our kids (Rachel at this point) are uncomfortable we politely move on.
In our hearts Rachel and Judah could not be more ours.  We have done the up all night feeding, changed their poopy diapers, watched painfully stupid DVD’s a million times, worried sick over a fever, a seizure, a bloody nose, 62 mosquito bites and a clash with the coffee table.  We got ticked about the mean kids, laughed at jokes that weren’t funny and darn near cry at the thought of college already.  Of course they are ours.
A few weeks ago we were asked what they call us.  We answered, “they call us Mama and Baba.”  “Ahh . . . that’s good . . . do they know they’re adopted?”  It is times like these that I remind myself that sarcasm doesn’t translate and there is probably more to it.
Your Parts Don’t Work?
One of the first experiences I had with the China view of adoption was before we moved China.  An employee from the Panda Express (fake Chinese buffet) was puzzled because my little girl looked Chinese.  I said, “yes, she’s adopted.”  “Ahhh” still puzzled, “cause’ you can’t make one?”  I could not think of a single response that would not plunge me even deeper into this abyss of awkwardness.  What do you say to that?  “Well, we have . . . um . . . you know, tried.  And the doctor said everything was . . . uh . . . ok. . . and wow . . . I do not know who you are.”
We’ve learned that reproductive systems are fair game here.  I mean for conversation.  So we’ve gotten a little more comfortable but still . . . awkward.
China is still under a “one child” policy with exceptions for many countryside citizens and minorities.  So, when adoptions do happen it would be an extremely rare case that did not involve infertility.  Therefore its only natural to assume . . . well . . . that you can’t make one.
But I bet there is more to it.
Losing Face
I once saw a special report on Chinese adoptions in which a couple went back to the village that their daughter was from and posted a sign with her picture looking for the birth parents.  With good intentions they actually shamed the parents, the village, the culture, the nation and destroyed their chances of ever finding who they were looking for.  Saving or losing face is everything in China and no one wants to be known as the people who abandon their children.  Face cannot be grasped by the Western mind.  It’s deeper than embarrassment and more impacting than shame but that’s another post.
In 2007 China tightened up on adoptions making it much more challenging to adopt and greatly increasing wait times.  Their reasoning was that they just did not have the children to meet the demand.  Some would say they were becoming known as a nation with abandonment issues and needed to save face.
Maybe?  Probably?  Ok.
But I bet there is more to it

We love adoption
We are profoundly blessed to be Rachel and Judah’s mama and baba.  Living as foreigners in China with adopted children has helped us process who we really are as a family.  The challenge pushes us to know where we stand and it has helped us develop our understanding of which issues are worth wasting emotions on and which ones just aren’t.  We will probably never fully grasp what they think of us but we love China.  We love the people.  We love the culture.  We really love the food.  Put that together with the fact that we love our kids more than you could possibly imagine and that’s all there is to it.

Some other posts about our awesome, little, multi-ethnic life:

On Getting Robbed in China

May 20, 2011 |


Shame can be a strong theft deterrent.
I’ve never seen this in China but writing
“Thief” on your chest and sticking you in
a public place seems like it might be an
effective rehabilitation for kleptos.
One time in China . . . someone broke into my hotel room and stole a camera and some money from a friend and I.  The worst part is we were both in the room when it happened.  Ok that’s the second worst part . . . the real worst part is that we both slept through the whole thing.  In our defense, it had been a long day.  In the thief’s defense, he walked clear across the room and practically had to step over me to get to my wallet.  The hotel said we could call the police if we wanted to but ensured us it would be a waste of time.  
One time in China . . . a guy stuck a knife in my wife’s face and growled at her.  In his defense she was rather rudely insisting that he stand still and go nowhere.  In her defense, he had just taken her purse in a crowded supermarket and she kind of hoped store security might step in and take over.  She let him go with a warning.  Security arrived and told her to stop crying.
One time in China . . . I left my wife’s brand new, DSLR, stinking nice camera (read more about stinking things) at the airport.  I went back to the airport and stood in a tiny hut with 20 chain-smoking policemen staring at a ten inch black and white television replaying the security tape of me . . . forgetting my wife’s camera as I loaded the rest of our bags into a taxi.  We watched it 37 times and each time they pointed out the part where I got in the taxi and drove away.  Had I paid attention I’m sure I would have learned the Chinese word for “moron”.  Three hours later I was standing in a Korean hair dye shop on the opposite corner of a city of 8 million people.  The hostess asked me if I wanted my hair dyed black or light black.  The manager then handed my wife’s camera to me.  I went back to thank the airport security team.  They said, “yeah, yeah” (only in Chinese).   And then they probably said, “moron” again.
One time in China . . . we left our computer in a taxi (coming home from the airport).  That was a bad day.  We thought for sure it was gone forever along with every, single picture we had ever taken of our daughter (no we hadn’t backed up our files . . . don’t lecture me).  Three days later our friends, friends, cousin who was a policeman at the airport walked through a line of a hundred taxis, found the one we described and asked him if he had a computer in his trunk.  He said, “yep” (again in Chinese).
Theft is big here.  I know people who have had their bicycles stolen . . . seven times (same person – seven different bikes).  The fact that stealing happens doesn’t shock me at all.  Stealing happens wherever there are people.  The cultural dynamics flip my lid though.  The police would be a “waste of time?”  “Stop crying?” “Go to the Korean hair dye place?” “Yeah, yeah?” I am so confused.
But there is a bright side of theft in China.  I don’t personally know anyone who has been killed, beaten or even threatened for the sake of robbery.  Sidenote . . . my wife doesn’t count because she was threatened only after he gave her purse back.  She was threatened for the sake of freedom, not robbery.  Big difference.  I have yet to find a neighborhood that I would be afraid to walk through, even at night, in a pink tutu and I have never heard of a single case of drug related theft or armed robbery (there are reasons for that but we’ll talk about that later).  It is a kinder, gentler thievery.  Every bit as selfish and only a fraction as violent.
I’ve never seen this in America either but
evidently shame is a cross cultural reformer.
One time in America . . . someone broke into our car and took our ipod, our video camera, my wife’s stinking nice DSLR camera (same one) and our computer (same one).  The hotel asked if we wanted to call the police and I said, “no it will just be a waste of time.”  They looked at me funny.  I said, “oh yeah, I mean yes of course, let’s call the police.”  So we did . . . and we never saw that stuff again.

Has No One Noticed that Obama and Osama Rhyme? An Update on What China Thinks About Bin Laden

May 14, 2011 |

“Bin Laden is not dead.”  I have it from a reputable source.  In fact a whole room full of reputable sources.  I spoke with some more Chinese friends this week and got the down low on what China thinks nearly two weeks after Osama Bin Laden’s death (or should I say . . . his “death” you know  . . . with finger-quotes).  What I discovered is that American’s no longer have the market on conspiracy theories or rapidly changing opinions (see what they thought last week).  Makes sense really . . . you can get the same theories and opinions in China for a fraction of the price.

Sorry.  Too political.  Here are some of the theories we discussed . . . 

  • Bin Laden is not dead but this is a strategic move to get America’s guard down so he can return when we least expect it.
  • Bin Laden has been dead for several years but Obama took credit for it now because his approval ratings are down.
  • Osama and Obama are working together and made a deal to fake Osama’s death so Obama can get re-elected which will ultimately help Osama . . . and Obama.  
  • The U.S. actually killed an Osama decoy but by the time they realized it they had already announced the news so they buried him at sea quickly to cover it up.
  • George Bush has masterminded a brilliant plan to spike Obama’s approval ratings early enough for a fickle American public to hate him by November 2012 and elect Donald Trump who is actually a robot controlled by Osama Bin Laden . . . who is actually a robot controlled by George Bush.  
  • Ok I just made that last one up.  They have no idea who Donald Trump is and they would never call George Bush brilliant.
So what’s your theory?  

Turn Off the Light, Stupid: What China Thinks of Bin Laden

May 3, 2011 | 7 comments


“Americans are happy today.”
-My barber

“We don’t like Bin Laden, but he’s better than America.”
-Some Guy Interviewed on Chinese News

“Laden was the greatest national hero in Arab history using his own power to fight the most powerful country in the world, America”
-Zhang Xin
Director of the China Central Television’s National Security and Military Channel

In my quest for an answer to the question, “what does China think of Osama Bin Laden, today I was reminded how potentially dangerous curiosity can be (you heard about the cat right?).  I think a quest for truth is never not good but a quest for an answer will come up short every time.  The problem with an answer is once you’ve got it you stop looking.  There is ALWAYS something more.  Always another angle.  Always a different opinion.  Always something that you missed before.  If we could have it our way (mmmm . . . I miss Burger King) we would have our answers cut and dried and served on a platter (mine with a Whopper please).  What does China think?  They’re glad he’s dead.  They said so.  Next.  
But there is so much more.

Here are some themes that I caught today on my quest but if you want the real truth you’ll need to come talk to a billion and a half more people yourself.  You can sleep on my couch.  

A Big Indifference
This is a monumental moment for America but while the implications are blatantly global, Bin Laden has never really been China’s biggest problem.  It’s fair really.  Every nation feels their own pain much deeper than the any others.  China felt the pain of 9-11 much the way that many Americans felt the pain of the 2008 Sichuan earthquake (which had a death toll of more than 20 times that of 9-11).  It’s was horrible.  It was sad.  We were eager to help.  But it was on the other side of the globe.  Glad it wasn’t us.  Is that China speaking about 9-11 or America about the earthquake?  Yes it is.

The funniest moment of my day was when my assistant explained the Chinese translation of Bin Laden’s name.  Ben Ladeng.  I said, “‘Ben’ as in stupid?”  She laughed and said, “no a different ‘Ben’ but it sounds the same.”  Then she laughed slightly harder and said, “Ladeng can mean to turn out the light, so we sometimes say, ‘Ben Ladeng’ like we are saying “turn out the light . . . ” I finished for her, “Stupid?”  She giggled again . . . “yes, it’s like a joke.”  I laughed hard and said, “you have no idea.”  Even in her joking, though, there wasn’t that sense of harshness or slammingness or you’re mama’s so fatness that American humor is so famous for.  For her . . . “it just sounds funny, so we say it.”  

I think that helped me grasp the indifference.  Something that tapped my emotions, my pride, my anger, my cynicism my sense of justice and my sense of humor all at once, just sounded kind of funny to her.  We have different filters.

A Realistic Concern
Several times today I was asked if I was afraid of what might happen next.  “Bin Laden has many followers.  Are you worried?”  Obviously they are not the only ones to pick up on the impending threat but they have some history on both sides of that coin.   

Xia Minghan was a hero of the early Communist Revolution in China.  He was arrested by the Nationalist Party and penned a now famous poem that was quoted to me today with a really rough translation:  “It doesn’t matter if you cut my head off as long as there is true doctrine.  Kill me and there will be others.” (it sounds way more poetic in Chinese).  Xia was killed two days after his arrest but his legacy was a part of the fuel that helped the Communists drive the Nationalist Party to Taiwan and take control of China even after a long and nearly terminal struggle.  Point being, Osama is gone but there are plenty of others.  Point taken. 

An Attention to the Bottom Line
I read a great article today that said, “I’ve often heard Chinese friends muse that China’s unimpeded rise over the past decade owed, in a small, strange way, to the fact that the U.S. was so preoccupied with Islamic terrorism that it didn’t have time to notice.”  Wow.

Al-Qaeda and the likes may not be a front burner issue for China but anything that scrapes the global economy won’t stay on the back of the stove for long.  You can be sure that there are plenty of wealthy Chinese business people watching to see which way the arrows point on the stock market today.
An Ironic Sense of Justice
Justice may be the most written word in the past 48 hours but it is very much a perspective word.  It’s a ‘good guys finally gets the best of the bad guys’ word and it relies very heavily on the understanding that I am the good guy.  However, you might not have noticed, but not everyone in the world labels America as the good guy.  China’s perspective on America has changed dramatically over the past 30 years.  We have successfully climbed from Imperialist Devils to Best Imperialist Customer Devils but we’ve got a long way to go to reach Good Guys.  From what I can see most of China leaned toward sympathy when they saw the towers fall in New York, but for some . . . that was justice.  From what I can see most of China also still sees the U.S. as a rich and powerful nation which likes to start wars and police the world.
A Complicated Big Picture
To sum it all up, you just can’t sum it all up.  China is vast and diverse and while they may make a public statement that is rarely challenged openly that doesn’t paint the whole picture.  There is no lack of personal opinion or position.  You can speak to a taxi driver, an office worker, a police officer and a beggar and you will get the same story from four beautifully different perspectives.  It’s like the more people you talk to the more the lights come on.  Or you can take the first answer you get and draw your conclusion.  That’s kind of like turning off the light . . . stupid.

Watching the World Change From the Other Side of the World

May 2, 2011 | 1 comment

I was in Taipei, Taiwan when President Clinton gave the second most famous speech of his presidency:”Ok maybe I did have sexual relations with that woman” (second only to his previous “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”).  I remember that day vividly because it was the first time I really caught a glimpse of my own culture through the eyes of another one.  It’s an experience I have since come to love.  There’s something brilliant that happens when you sit on the visitor’s side of the gym.

When Senator Obama changed his name to President I watched it online from a training center in Northeast China and I was the only one interested.  I was just a few hundred miles away when Michael Phelps won 8 golds (although most people around me were 100% convinced he was doping).  Over the past several weeks I have had several conversations with Chinese taxi drivers regarding President Obama and while I can’t understand every word I can always decipher “Li-bee-ya”, thumbs down and flatulence noises.  Seeing your home through the lenses of the world doesn’t always change your position but it never leaves your position unchecked.  It grants a fresh perspective that pummels your pride, tests your patience and in the end, forces you to either open your eyes or be painfully conscious of your choice to keep them closed.

Today was another world changing day.  Looking forward to riding in a taxi tomorrow.  



Next Post:  What China Thinks of Osama Bin Laden.


Any guesses?

“That Stink is Awesome!” – Explaining Slang to My Chinese Friend

Apr 29, 2011 | 2 comments

I stumbled across an application on the web today that blew me away.  As I watched the tutorial I got more and more excited and my Chinese assistant worked harder and harder not to laugh.  

“Sweet . . . no way . . . aaaaahhh . . . stink!”  That was the one that pushed her over the edge and triggered the now famous (in our office at least), “Whaaaat?”  Realizing this was not going to be an easy or a boring conversation (click here for knocking people dead and Chinese Valentine’s)  I jumped in head first.

Me:  Stink.

Her:  What’s this mean?

Me:  (taking a deep breath and calculating my approach)  Well . . . stink . . . it means something that smells bad.

Her:  You mean like poo poo?

Me:  Yes.  Exactly.  Poo poo stinks.  Buuut, you can also say it for anything that is bad.  Like if you said to me, “my father is sick” I would say, “oh, that stinks”.  Aaand, you can even use it for something that is good.  For example, if you say, “I found 1 million RMB (Chinese dollars) and I get to keep it, I could say, “that is stinking awesome!” or I could even just say “stink” as in “stink, that is awesome!!” Ooor if you’re really upset you can say “stink!”  as in “stink! that stinks.”

Her:  very, very confused look.

Me:  (trying again)   It’s like a catch all word that just adds emphasis.  So if I see someone who is really big I can say, “did you see that guy? He was stinking huge.”  Or if it’s a really nice day you can say, “It’s stinking beautiful out today.”

Her:  Whaaat?  Reeally?

Me:  Oh yes.

Her:  (giving it a shot)  “That stink is awesome?”

Me:  No, no, no, “That’s stinking awesome.”

Her:  So can I say, “Have a stinking nice day?” or “It’s stinking nice to meet you?”

Me:  No, you only say “stink” around people you already know and never in business.  Please don’t tell our clients to have a stinking nice day.

Her:  Ok.  (starting to get it)  So . . .  can I just say “stink” if something really stinks?

Me:  (starting to get confused) I suppose you could but it wouldn’t mean stink anymore.  If you say, “stink that stinks” about the poo poo the second stink means stink but the first stink just means that the second stink stinks really bad.

Her:  I can say Jerry is a stinky awesome boss?

Me:  (giving her the “ha ha, very funny” squint)  Make sure you pronounce the ing . . . but yes . . . you can say that . . . a lot.

Her:  Thank you teacher.  That’s stinking good.

Me:  You’re stinking welcome.