Dude.

If your wife is making you read this . . . sorry . . . but you probably should. There might be a quiz before bed tonight.

If you’re an expat dad you should know this — you’ve been stereotyped.

Don’t worry — this probably doesn’t apply to you at all . . . but just in case . . . keep reading.

Here’s the stereotype by the numbers.

75% of corporate expats are still men.

80% of accompanying spouses/partners don’t work while they’re abroad.

50% of them did before they moved.

And . . . here’s the kicker.

The NUMBER ONE reason for faceplanting (sometimes called “assignment failure”) is “FAMILY CONCERNS.”

Go figure huh?

The very least of the faceplant factors are “safety”, “quality of life” and “compensation.”

stats from Brookfield Global Mobility Trends

Here’s the stereotype put bluntly.

Man gets a job abroad. It’s tough but he’s got company support. He has translators, assistants, a clearly defined to-do list and sense of purpose.

His wife is stuck at home with screaming kids and tasked with keeping it together in a city where she can’t read or say words. The same company pats her on the head and says, “here, have a personal driver and quit complaining.”

Man gets an email that says, “read this blog post or don’t come home tonight.”

All caught up.

Good.

Clearly there are variables but stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. If any part of this sounds familiar then you should press on to the end of this post.

And if you just thought to yourself, “Ha! That’s not us . . . she doesn’t get a driver!”

You should stop reading right now, buy flowers, and then finish.

Lest you feel like this is a man-bashing shame fest let me assure you — it is not. You’ve landed in a system that is unpurposely, yet carelessly designed to cultivate family friction.

You may have solid support but expat jobs are typically high demand, high structure and high, measurable expectations.

That’s stressful.

Expat homes, on the other hand, are typically low support and low structure but still ridiculously high demands and expectations with virtually no system of measurement.

That’s also stressful.

Enjoy your dinner.

The fallout (far too often) is a MASSIVE gap between the ways you process your cross-cultural experience.

You are living as foreigners in the same foreign country, at the same address, with the same (surface level) external cultural challenges and yet . . . having radically different experiences.

Feel free to flashback to that conversation you had before you signed on — the one about adventure, seeing the world and trying new things.

Company didn’t tell you about this part did they?

The train wreck happens in the second big gap. The one where the dials get turned way up for them and way down for you on how you show up as parents.

Two career couples share the load. They have to.

But you’re the one with the real job and the only thing she has to do is take care of the kids, it just makes sense right? She should carry the bulk of the parenting load.

I’ll pause here just to ensure that you caught the sarcasm in that last paragraph and beg you to NEVER use that line of reasoning when you have this discussion.

The stereotype of the expat dad is disconnected, overworked, uber-busy and missing a really amazing chunk of his children’s formative years.

You’re not that guy . . . So don’t be that guy.

Here are 10 ways to not be that guy:

ONE: Don’t be gone when you’re not

Draw a hard line between work and home and be crystal clear when you can’t. If you absolutely have to work at home, tell your family when you’ll be done. Then engage with deep intentionality.

TWO: Don’t be gone when you are

Travel a lot? Work late? Prioritize connection while you’re gone. Check in. Send notes, pictures, emojis, anything. Even the smallest touch bases will speak volumes.

THREE: Go three layers deep

Don’t settle for asking one-dimensional questions. There is so much going on behind the eyeballs of your kids. Commit to digging at least three layers deeper than “how was your day?”

Get 99 Questions for Global Families: Conversation starters for families crossing cultures

FOUR: Crank up the stable

Stability takes a hit when you cross cultures. Standard support systems are missing and change is incessant. So counterbalance that by turning up the volume on the things that don’t change. Set routines. Celebrate traditions. Say the same words every day.

read: The importance of things that don’t change when everything else does

FIVE: Invest in your kid’s cultural experience

Don’t put this completely on your wife. You both signed on for the cross-cultural thing partly because of the value it would add to your kids. This experience is rich and will be planted deep in them for the rest of their life. Invest now. Don’t make them explore without you.

SIX: Model it

Want your kids to get the most out of your time abroad? Then show them how it’s done. Teach them respect for your hosts instead of complaining about how “THEY” do things. Want them to learn the language? Study hard. Want them to try new foods? Dig in.

SEVEN: Replace your excuses with wishes

Rationalizing with kids rarely works. You know that right? Explaining the crazy demands of your high-stress job doesn’t communicate how important they are to you. Telling them where you wish you could be instead is a better option.

EIGHT: Capitalize time

If quality time is legitimately rare then the rules of supply and demand apply. Make rare time a premium. Don’t confuse that for throwing money at it. Your company already did that. Attention is far more valuable than money.

NINE: Take over

This is big. Don’t come home loaded with how hard your day was. That doesn’t work like it does in your head. It’s not a competition but if it was . . . you’d lose. Whenever you can, give your spouse/partner a break first. Take the kids. Cook a meal. Wash the dishes.

I know you’re tired. Just trust me on this one.

TEN: Reset

Let’s be honest. You’re bound to screw this up. That’s NOT what makes you that guy — that’s what makes you human. The stereotype has nothing to do with the bumbling dad mistakes that we all make.

What will set you apart is seeing it when you do . . . and committing to do it better.

Your job is hard — but don’t let it steal what could be the most memorable and wonderful time of your life.

Don’t be that guy.