So this happens. A lot.
I get into a taxi and say “ni hao” (“hello” in Chinese).
The taxi driver’s eyes get wide and he says, “Waaahhh, your Chinese is SO good!”
My daughter, on the other hand, could get in the exact same car, with the exact same driver and say the exact same thing with much better pronunciation and get a much different response.
Like “why don’t you speak Chinese?!”
Her experience. Her day to day. Her reality are radically different than mine solely because we look different.
She is ethnically Chinese. I am white.
Consequently, I have access to treatment that she does not.
That is just a small example of something called privilege . . . and I have it.
It’s a hot button topic (you may have noticed). It’s a significant piece of much deeper conversations around things like race, sexuality, gender, equality, appropriation and ultimately human value.
Those are hugely important topics for any culture to wrestle with but in the heat of the mono-national or monocultural firefight, the nuances of cross-cultural privilege often get missed, overlooked or ignored.
From the perspective of an admittedly privileged, white, expat father who is raising a Chinese daughter and a black son in a foreign context, here are a few thoughts
Privilege is a REALITY.
Stop. Before you cut loose with the preloaded, self-protective best one-liners, I am NOT calling you (and by default, me) a racist or a bigot or a Nazi. Privilege and racism are NOT the same thing. Racism is rooted in internal decay. Privilege is based on external realities.
Read I Am Not a Racist: And other things I wish I knew were true
My statement is simply this — If you are white, your experience at home OR abroad may give you access to a different experience than people of color.
To dismiss, ignore or even to be unaware of that is to cut yourself off from the realities that other people face.
Privilege has nothing to do with your bank account and everything to do with access.
Speaking of preloaded, self-protective one-liners, have you ever heard this one?
“Privilege? Are you kidding? I have black friends who make three times as much as I do.”
Or how about
“Hey, I’m white. I sure would like to see some of that privilege everyone keeps telling me I have.”
Singular thinking applied to a plural challenge is a logical fallacy. Privilege comes from the collective reaction of the people around you. So having less cash in your pocket doesn’t change the fact that you may be stereotyped as having more . . . and therefore treated differently.
And if you are treated differently then the reality of your experience is different.
White is not the only privilege
Every culture has people who have greater access. More influence, more voice, more power.
However, “oh yeah? Well so do you” is not a valid argument for less privilege.
That’s like saying, “I am not sunburned because you are too.”
The dials are turned up in a cross-cultural setting
There are obviously far too many variables globally to make this universal but in much of the world being Western is perceived as synonymous with being rich and the clear indicator of being Western . . . is being white.
You may have been born and raised in London but if you are a person of color the first filter you are perceived through is likely the local stereotype of the place you look like you are from.
Conversely, you may have grown up in poverty but if you are white you are also filtered through a stereotype. It’s just a different stereotype.
Every country (privileged or not) has prejudice (sorry UK and USA, you don’t own this one) and while that is clear in your home country, if you are living internationally you are navigating the unseen prejudice of your host. You may see the impact clearly but until you feel the history and the backstory, you’ll be in the dark.
Many cultures are unaware and unapologetic of their prejudice. White is Western, Western is rich and rich is coveted. Everything else . . . not so much. That is simply accepted and communicated as a matter of fact which changes the narrative and ultimately the treatment of people (white and not).
Read the eye opening When Does a Person of Color Get to be an Expat?
Relationship is key
This is where it gets beautiful. Cultural stereotypes are crushed with relationship — and sometimes they are confirmed — but they are crushed or confirmed with real stories, real names, and real personalities instead of a skewed and shortsighted perspective. Prejudice lives on the surface which, unfortunately, is where the huddled masses choose to hang out — but when you dare to connect deeply across a line you can’t hold on to the luxury of your incomplete assumptions.
Conversation is critical
Conversation is where truth is discovered.
Crazy truths like,
not all French people are romantic
and not all Chinese people are short
and not all Americans carry guns
and not all white people are rich
and just because they’re nice to you doesn’t mean they like you
and not all Africans are poor
and Africa is not a country.
When you bother to build a relationship, you can no longer reduce a culture to a single story. Watch this.
Fair warning: The conversations are hard and awkward and filled with words like, “but I always thought” and “we don’t do it that way.”
The good ones though, end with, “wow, you just blew my mind” and “when can I hear more?”
It wouldn’t hurt us to shut up and listen
Possibly the deepest pitfall of privilege is perceived respect. Culturally mandated hospitality gets mistranslated into admiration and we are happy to sit on our throne and impart wisdom.
After all, if they just listened, we could fix them.
Stop that.
Ask a question that doesn’t start with, “don’t you always”. Then sit back and genuinely absorb the response. Dig into the heart of their story, what brings them joy and what causes them pain.
Whether you are listening to the people of your host country or other expats who are having a much different experience, you stand to gain and, ironically, have greater impact when you stop talking so much.
With great privilege comes great responsibility
Many expats march with the banner of responsibility. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard things like, “THEIR biggest dream is to be like us.”
On one hand that is a presumptuous, misguided arrogant premise. On the other hand, it is probably true.
It is flawed thinking to summarize the desire (or need) of an entire people group to one aspiration with words like “they” or “their”. That bias gets transferred from expat to expat and becomes the lens through which we view individuals. It dictates how we engage and how we interact.
Historically, that hasn’t gone well.
However, what if we broadened the parameters and stereotyped all of humanity?
It is, without a doubt, one of the greatest dreams of most humans to be respected, treated fairly, have opportunities to move forward and enjoy political and financial security. It is the dream of humans NOT to be perceived and treated as less human than the other humans around them.
So yeah. Maybe they do want to be like you but YOU are not the dream — you are the poster child.
If you’ve never dreamed pessimistically about a world where you might be treated fairly — then you’re probably living in that world already.
And that is a privilege.
The responsibility of the privileged is NOT to show them how they can be more like you — it is to treat them like they already are.
I am privileged
No question about it.
If you have a passport — you too have a privilege that the majority of the world has no access to.
If you are living by choice in a country that is not on your passport — you are privileged.
If you have a voice that is heard, anywhere — you are privileged.
If people look at you and wish that they could experience life the way you do — you are privileged.
That doesn’t make you richer, wiser, more honorable, more ethical, more important or more human. It is just a reality.
You can spend your time denying your privilege because you feel attacked, or you can try to see yourself through the eyes of the people around you.
Seems like a simple choice.
What about you?
Are you privileged and willing to acknowledge it?
Are there privileges that you are cut off from simply because of who you are?
What’s your story? Comment below.
Thanks, Jerry. Privilege is so real overseas. I think of the times I have gotten to “cut in line” or walk into a hospital or government building without the actual right to do so just because I am clearly a white Western woman. It’s also been really good to live as a religious minority…I have gotten a tiny taste of what it means to live in a different story. Our family has talked a lot about “they stories,” one of the most harmful things “we” do. We want our kids to be aware… when expats, even grown-ups, even trusted adults in their lives start telling our kids what our host people are like without nuance and (usually) with some degree of superiority, we ask our kids to purposely ignore those stories and instead choose curiosity about those who host us.
Elizabeth — I love everything you just said. Especially “choose curiosity.” Kids who are equipped with that are the people I want to lead us into the future. So good.
I love two things about your comment: 1) having a discussion with your kids about “they stories” and “we” do. What a great ongoing discussion to have with children; and 2) as Jerry pointed out, to “choose curiosity about those who host us.” I just love that conscious choice! Thanks!
Wonderfully balanced and insightful portrayal of privilege. It is so hard to write about this or speak about it without people (of any skin-tone) getting immediately defensive one way or the other. I’ve lived in Asia and the Balkans and travelled 4 continents extensively and have experienced privilege in spades. I have 3 biological kids and 5 adopted (4 of them hispanic) and have witnessed what you’ve shared regarding your kids as well. Thanks for getting to the heart of the matter, pushing past superficial (but real) labels into the cure for it all: loving, caring relationships!
I think the reason people these days tend to get so defensive whenever this topic is raised is that so often it is accompanied by an implicit or explicit statement that not only do *you* have privilege, but that means that inherently *you* bear the guilt of all the pain and misery others experience as a result. Your article avoids that and thus opens up the possibility of discussing the reality of privilege without immediately making everyone feel bad about it, and perhaps that can lead to an eventual realization of where the real problem lies.
The reality is we are all guilty of pride, selfishness and self-centeredness, and we don’t like to face those facts. Unfortunately, most people don’t have any way to deal with it and this just compounds the negative reaction when it is pointed out. And after all…if everyone is doing it…doesn’t that make it ok? And even if we were to acknowledge it as true…what then? How can we forgive others and seek forgiveness if there is no justice? We need someone to be both just and justifier to truly deal with this inner conflict…but that’s another story.
I grew up in the Philippines and though we were relatively poor missionaries, the way we were treated and our standard of living there meant that we never felt “poor” and thus avoided much of the negative thinking associated with those circumstances. But it wasn’t until much later that I realized how much of that depended on the unearned “privilege” of our white, American heritage. I was quite fond of talking about how when we were back in the US for a year, we were poor enough that I got free lunches at school, but we still never thought of ourselves as poor, as if this somehow made us better than others. Such arrogance…still repenting.
Since then I’ve been on both the receiving and giving end of the privilege game, depending on the country. Honestly, I think part of the reason I hate living in the US is just how ordinary it makes me feel. I guess I’m a bit addicted to being different.
In Kuwait, the top of the pyramid is occupied by native Kuwaitis, which is a bit of a shock to white Americans when they first get there. But life at the second rung isn’t too bad. Of course…the lower down you go, the worse it gets. But you learn who is really on top real quick and how to ensure you show proper deference…or else you refuse and run into every bureaucratic brick wall they can throw at you. I was always amused at how mad people would get, and took great pleasure in pointing out that they were getting a taste of their own medicine. At least English is the “lingua franca” in the Middle East due to all various nationalities that end up there. It was by far the most culturally and linguistically comfortable place we ever lived.
Germany was much like the US in that we were perceived initially as “ordinary”, but the minute we opened our mouths we palpably felt ourselves slipping down the scale. Disgust and irritation at having to deal with us…and no quarter given due to our foreignness. Just learn German already!
Japan is an odd mixture in that while we are clearly “othered” in a less than admiring manner most of the time, there are still situations in which being a foreigner comes with privileges, allowing us to break with cultural expectations and get away with it in a country where conformity is enforced by everyone. We call it playing the “gaijin card” and joke about being careful to play it only when absolutely necessary. There are also some who admire Americans and effusive praise for our broken Japanese is quite common, though more due to inherent politeness than anything else. Baye Mcneil (http://www.locoinyokohama.com/) opened up my eyes to how the experience in Japan could be quite different if you were black.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend of ours who had originally come here and worked for a Japanese company. He wanted to do the real “salary man” thing and found after a few years that it was unsustainable…at least both that and having an intact family. They left and are now considering returning. He said to me that this time perhaps he can use his privilege to not conform to the unrealistic expectations placed on workers here, and maybe help others start bucking the system too.
Those have been some of my experiences. I am privileged…and I don’t deserve it. I like your modified Spider Man quote: “With great privilege comes great responsibility”
I am a blond, blue-eyed white woman traveling all over the world, currently working and living in South Korea. I have experienced both white privilege and being the “other.” My experiences with overt racism due to my obvious western appearance and lack of language mastery has been humbling, but eye-opening. I readily admit more often than not I am treated exceedingly well everywhere in the world, but my wish is everyone who enjoys white privilege could understand what a true gift they enjoy due to their luck at birth and thus treat everyone else with kindness, patience, and empathy.
Thanks so much, Jerry, for a GREAT blog about privilege. So much good stuff here!!
I was a true skeptic about privilege until a few years ago. I was at a training on cultural intelligence and one of my fellow students described himself with 7 or 8 adjectives, including “black, aboriginal, Canadian, and gay.” There were a few more but I can’t remember them now. What was eye-opening for me was that he was willing over supper each night to have an open discussion where I could ask questions and get to know him personally. As the week progressed, I realized clearly how privileged I had grown up. And I was so thankful for someone who was willing to let me ask the dumb questions without rancor or defensiveness. My world was blown! And expanded in a very good way and in a lot of different directions.
I am white and grew up near Detroit, Michigan, in an upper middle class town. My family had a black house cleaner whom I loved. But “those” people were way in the depth of Detroit except when they worked in our neighborhood. And when my brother and sister-in-law decided to adopt a mixed race child, my father nearly hit the roof. So I heard a lot of different views growing up.
And then we moved to Europe. In the mid-80s we lived in Germany for a year and didn’t have a problem. Then living in Belarus (White Russia, literally) and then in the Czech Republic, we were surrounded by white Europeans. We were accepted in both places because the color of our skin was acceptable. But we have had many friends over the years who had other colors of skin who were treated very badly. So we know we have experienced expat privilege.
Now that we are back living in the US, I usually have my antennae up for anything I can learn from the people around me. I’m not in Czechia any more. I hope over the next years to learn more.
Well, I could go on and on. But won’t. It’s dinnertime.
Thanks Jerry, this has been such an insightful read. My family and I have recently relocated to Greece and though it is true that our transition has not been a smooth ride, your blog and ideas puts it all into perspective. Not only as you say that there is such a thing as white expat privilege, but also that there is no single, either good or bad, story, that there are always many and that we are also very privileged to live our lives abroad. Love this!
All I can say is THANK YOU. Well done!
Very well said. it’s totally true all you wrote. specially in Asia, where I believe is more open…they really say! I was in shock when I discover that even Indian they don’t consider “farang” (foreigner/expat) in Thailand because of their color! And yes, I know that they treat me better because I’m white…but when I speak…they notice my latin accent and all change!
Thank you, this was incredibly insightful. Privilege exists even for a non-white person–I experience my privilege almost daily as a light-skinned Japanese living in Southeast Asia. I’m automatically seen as polite and wealthy and most Southeast Asians usually treat me with friendliness and respect from the get-go. It’s a different experience from when I was living in the US and Germany & Austria…but again, I’m still light-skinned so was the ‘good’ minority and treated accordingly. Everyone should experience being the less privileged one at least once in their lives to see what it’s like!