There is a MASSIVE difference between “oops” and intentionality.
You’ve been there right? Tell me I’m not the only one.
The clock says three hours past your bedtime but your brain is in full-on bargaining mode.
One more episode won’t kill me.
I’ll catch a nap tomorrow.
I stayed up way later than this in college.
Three episodes later, when the dark reality of tomorrow indisputably outweighs the primal urge for just one more, you muster the courage to hit the power button (before you can change your mind).
And the wave of shame comes crashing in.
You just WASTED an ENTIRE DAY binge-watching 4 seasons of a show that wasn’t even that good.
You showed zero self-discipline.
Zero restraint.
Zero control.
You produced nothing.
Contributed nothing.
And you have NOTHING to show for it.
The only thing you can be proud of is that you earned back the two minutes it would have taken you to put your pajamas back on had you gotten dressed this morning.
At least there’s that.
So to quote a good therapist, “how does that make you feel?”
Lazy?
Guilty?
Embarrassed?
Pathetic?
Pretty certain that you’ll do the same thing tomorrow?
Here’s the thing. SOMETIMES the one thing you NEED more than anything is to detach — to shut your brain off — to unplug — to let Netflix do your thinking because your thinker is busted.
SOMETIMES … you need to disconnect.
AND
There is a MASSIVE difference between “oops” and intentionality.
Imagine the same day. The same scenario. The same binge with some forethought.
Instead of the shamewave of “I just wasted an entire day” what if you gave yourself permission ahead of time? Planned it. Declared it. Looked forward to it.
“I’m taking a full day and doing absolutely nothing except clicking ‘next episode’.”
The end of that day is a completely different experience.
You actually accomplished a goal.
You had permission instead of breaking the “rules.”
You paid attention to your own exhaustion instead of being crushed by it.
Sidenote — This isn’t about Netflix. That’s a metaphor. You get that right?
It’s about RETREAT.
Pulling back when you need to pull back.
Shutting down when you need to shut down.
Crashing when you need to crash.
But doing it with forethought and intentionality instead of regret and humiliation.
SOMETIMES, and (write this down) ESPECIALLY in times of significant change, you NEED to STOP. Your cup is full and overflowing with high consequence decisions. The demands are intense. The implications are overwhelming. The pressure is consuming.
Has anything changed for you recently? (he writes with a snort-laugh because it is 2021)
Maybe it’s time to pause and consider what an intentional disconnect might look like.
Here are some thoughts on Retreating Well.
Stop faking it
Hey! People of 2021. You just went through some stuff. You took a beating. We all did. So for the love of everything that is good and for the sake of everything hanging in the balance, cut yourself some slack.
You’re not better because you never take a break. That is such a broken narrative.
You’re not superhuman because you pretend to be.
You’re not bulletproof just because you got shot.
You’re not fooling anyone. Scratch that. Maybe you are, but the reality still exists. Just stop. Acknowledge what you’ve been through and how bad it hurts. Label what has changed and call out the impact it has had on you.
Know what YOU need.
This is not a prescription for a digital bender. That may sound horrible to you. So what DO you need? What would feed your soul instead of sucking the life out of it? What would truly allow you to rest with intentionality and temporarily shut off the noise?
Be realistic
Retreat is the exact opposite of ignoring reality. Ignoring reality is what happens when your body and your subconscious brain initiates a hostile takeover because they’ve been screaming at you and you refuse to listen.
Hence “oops I just wasted a day.”
Retreat is a strategic plan to engage your challenges with a better version of yourself. The hard stuff doesn’t take a break so you have to plan around it. Carve out the right time to shut down without creating bigger problems.
Plan ahead
Joy is directly connected to anticipation and quality is directly connected to forethought. Think it through. What needs to be in place for you to get the most out of disconnecting?
Family out of the house?
“Out of office” message set up?
Queso in the fridge?
Think through the details and then, let the excitement build. Look forward to it instead of just doing it on a whim.
Tell someone
Shame hides in the dark, scared that it’s going to get ratted out.
Think about the difference though when you shift the tense from past (oops) to future (intent).
“Yesterday I laid on the couch and watched 4 seasons of Growing Pains.”
Response to that — “Wow. Anything you need to talk about?”
“I’m shutting down Saturday. Not leaving the house. Not getting out of my PJ’s. Binge-watching 80’s sitcoms.”
Response — “Wow, that sounds incredible. You might be my hero.”
Letting people know about your retreat will reaffirm that you have nothing to be ashamed of and it might just inspire them to do the same.
Don’t hide.
Set the end time
This is critical. A retreat without an end time is just a rut. Don’t leave it open-ended.
So how long should a retreat be? Great question.
What do you need? What’s realistic?
An hour? A day? A weekend?
When do you cross the line between healthy disconnection and just plain lazy?
Regardless, setting that time in advance and KNOWING that when time is up you are going to fully reengage is astronomically better than trusting future you to end it when it feels right.
This year has been hard.
Stop pretending it hasn’t impacted you. Stop apologizing for needing a break. Stop stomping on the gas when you’re stuck in the mud.
Just stop – but do it with a plan.
Because there is a MASSIVE difference between “oops” and intentionality.
