It’s the high season for global reconnection.
The expats are going “home”. Some for a whirlwind visit and others for good. If you’re on the welcoming end of that equation you’re probably giddy with anticipation. “FINALLY, the traveling prodigals are returning. This is going to be good.
Some of you are asking the obvious questions:
How can I drive them absolutely nuts when they arrive?
What is the one thing I can do that will be like nails down a chalkboard to their fragile, jet-lagged existence?
Good news. This list is especially for you
AND
as an extra added bonus for anyone out there who might prefer a less conventional, more life-affirming, not quite so soul-sucking approach — pay attention to the ALTERNATIVE.
Here are TEN things you can do to drive an expat crazy
ONE: MOCK THEIR “OTHER” LANGUAGE
This one never fails. Hit it hard and fast. Greet them at the airport with your thickest accent from the country they have lived in. Not good with accents? No problem. Just make up jibberish words that remind you of what you think that language sounds like.
Still stuck? Watch a Disney movie for inspiration.
This is the lowest hanging fruit.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Pause and consider that one of the greatest challenges of their time away may have been saying words. When the time is right, have a conversation about the challenges of learning a language and how that has impacted their experience.
TWO: JOKES
“Hey, honey! The Joneses are back from China! Better put the dog away!”
Slap on the back and a hearty laugh.
“Get it?! Cause they eat dogs in China!”
Laugh again even harder.
Trust me — this one never, ever fails. Pick a joke that reduces their whole experience and the people they have fallen in love with to a single, annoying stereotype and boom . . . guaranteed nerve grating.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Start with a vulnerable statement that confesses your ignorance instead of a joke that proudly displays it. “Hey, I gotta’ admit, all I know about that country is what I’ve seen on TV . . . can I ask some stupid questions?” Learn something new.
THREE: TELL THEM HOW HAPPY THEY ARE
“You must be SO GLAD to be out of there!!”
“Good to be HOME huh? Bet you’ll never do that again.”
This is great. Watch their face when you say it. Instant jaw clench. Nose flare. Eye squint.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Recognize their paradox. They can be completely thrilled to be “home” and feel like they just left it at the same time. Give them the space to love both places and the time to grieve their loss. Ask them what they’re going to miss the most.
FOUR: BATCH THEIR “OTHER” COUNTRY WITH THE OTHERS THAT IT REMINDS YOU OF
“Hey! Say something in African!”
or
“So you learned Chinese? That is so cool.”
“Uhh . . . actually, I was in Japan.”
“Oh . . . so, yes or no?”
or
“Welcome back from Austria!” (wink and a friendly punch on the arm) “G’day mate!”
Expats get SOOOO picky about stuff like that.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Decide to be THAT friend. The one who shows enough interest to do a little research ahead of time and still leans on the expertise of the one who has lived there for the final word.
FIVE: ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO EAT
“I knew you’d be missing India so guess what! CURRY FOR DINNER!!”
-or potentially equally annoying-
“Yeah, we thought about curry but you’ve got to be sick of that. You must be ready for some pizza.”
This one is tricky because you run the risk of being right. If that happens you might not be annoying at all. It’s a 50/50 shot.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Ask them a question. Allow meal time to be connected to more than food. Have a conversation about what foods they miss and recognize that it could be something they missed while they were away (and can’t wait to dig into) or something they are missing as they return.
SIX: ASK, “HOW WAS THAT?”
That’s it. One simple question. It’s like magic.
“Wow, Zimbabwe for 12 years . . . how was that?”
Then stand there and watch them try to summarize ALL of the joy and pain before you lose interest. They LITERALLY CANNOT do it.
Classic.
Want to take it to the next level? Check out number seven.
But first.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Ask smaller questions that leave room for nuance. Find out about a typical day in their lives, their struggles with language or what community was like. Don’t expose your disinterest by expecting a full synopsis of the whole experience so you can get back to the snack table.
SEVEN: START THE NEXT SENTENCE WITH, “OH THAT’S JUST LIKE”
This works best if you cut them off mid-sentence.
“Oh wow, 12 years in Zimbabwe, that’s just like when I went to Mexico for a week.”
They don’t even have to say anything. You can almost feel it in their furrowed brow, “umm . . . no . . . it’s really not.”
AN ALTERNATIVE: Lean in. Be interested. Wait for the answer and then (this part is revolutionary) ask ANOTHER question. Fight the urge to one-up their experience with yours and all in good time, share your stories too.
EIGHT: HIGHLIGHT THE AWKWARD
“Homecomers” do weird stuff.
Nonsense stuff.
Confusing, like “what the heck?” stuff.
If you really want to get under their skin — shine the spotlight on that. Draw attention to the crazy, uncharacteristic things they do.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Be a safe haven. Be the one friend who understands that part of their life doesn’t make sense right now. Stand in the gap between them and the others who just don’t get it.
NINE: SHAME POUNCING
This one takes a little bit of patience but you can do it. Stalk them quietly and when the time comes . . . attack like a black panther.
It’s basically inevitable that your returning friend will begin the bulk of their sentences with, “When I was in Thailand” or “In Brazil we . . . ”
Let this go on for awhile. Let the tension build until you just can’t stand it anymore and you know that the moment is just right.
And then . . . cut loose.
“DUDE!!! YOU ARE NOT IN BRAZIL ANYMORE!! LOOK AROUND!! DO YOU SEE BRAZIL?!! ANYWHERE?!! NO?!! THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT BRAZIL!!!”
AN ALTERNATIVE: Recognize that ALL of the last section of their life was defined by their time away. The frame of reference that they have comes from that place. Part of them is still there. Give them space for that to be ok and use that as an opportunity to get a glimpse into that part of their lives.
TEN: SAY NOTHING
Here’s the clincher. Get’s them EVERY SINGLE time.
Don’t say anything. Don’t ask about their lives abroad. Don’t inquire about their stories. Just ignore that part of their life and pretend like ZERO time has elapsed. Just be glad they’re back and watch the game.
That’s enough, isn’t it?
You probably won’t even see that this one is working. They seldom voice their frustration. Rarely beg to be heard.
But trust me . . . it will eat them alive.
AN ALTERNATIVE: Say something. Ask questions. Hear their stories. Dig deep. Let them fall apart.
Readjustment is a phase. It doesn’t last forever and it’s rarely what it looks like on the surface. These steps are 100%, money back guaranteed to annoy, frustrate, irritate and drive your long, lost, homecoming loved ones absolutely mad.
OR
You could consider the alternatives. Choose well.
Going “home”? Send this ahead — You can’t expect them to know already.
Welcoming someone back? Think it through. It’s going to be good.
Know someone who needs this? Pass it on.
Got wisdom to add? Comment below.
A very good one! So, when are you back from China? We are going there this summer (not for holiday!). Catherine
Thanks TravelingCat. We’re here for the long haul. Home for the summer and then back home for the rest of the year. Where will you go?
Enjoying your blog! Thanks for sharing a bit of the wisdom you have from living overseas!
Thanks for reading Wes!
June 8 will be the six-year anniversary of my repatriation. I laughed and sobbed over this article like I came back yesterday. Every word is true, and it can happen to you!
Six years!! You’re supposed to be past is by now . . . just kidding Mary Beth. Your process is your process. It’s totally OK to sob.
Oh please tell me the pain will end before then! Two years living back in the states, just came back from 7 weeks overseas and the heartache started all over again.
I’ve been back 3 1/2 years and it still pains ~ I wouldn’t be living in Canada if it weren’t for my grandsons.
One of the first people with whom I had a conversation on my return was horrified that I’d been living in the Middle East. “I’ve never been out of this valley! Why would you want to live THERE??”
I’ve had to consciously bite off my tendency to say, “When I was in Kuwait…” I’ve also learned to swallow my hurt over how the greater part of a decade just folded in on itself and disappeared once I came back. Conversation: Random acquaintance: “Wow! I haven’t seen you for awhile! Where’ve you been?” Me: “I’ve been nearly 10 years on the other side of the world. Just got back in January.” RA: “Oh. You must be glad to be back in civilization. I’m thinking about a holiday in Thailand. Any tips?” Me: “*sigh*”
Great blog ~ all of those things happened to me and my husband over the years we traveled back and forth to Kuwait.
We’ve been “back” for 4.5 years now, and this has me in tears almost. So true. Oh, that number three…..yep. I got lectured by well meaning family when I posted a photo of us enjoying a “taste of home” at an authentic-to-our-host-country restaurant. “What, this isn’t home???” (we’d been back right at one year at that point). :sigh: Because, you know, the six years my kids lived in that other place (for two of them, longer than they’d lived “here”) mean nothing. :sigh:
Anyway, thanks. You hit the nail(s) on the head.
You’re not alone Heather. So not alone.
How about those who have been expats most of their life, like yours truly? I am asked when I’m going back to live in a country that is really no longer home…
“Home” is such a hard word isn’t it Margie?
Best question I was asked, at an airport check in counter in my passport county of Australia, as I was departing to return to my family and home in the Republic of the Congo…….”Where is your return ticket”? Try explaining that was my return ticket! #expatabouttoreturntotherealworld #sevenweekstogo
Brace yourself Jodie. And I don’t mind saying, it took me about 5 minutes to read your hashtag. It all makes sense now. You got this.
Had a similar Experience at a Delta Counter in Chicago. The agent said I don’t see a return on your itinerary. When are you returning? I said “this is my return”. Since Kenya is a visa on arrival country for US Citizens, she had no right to ask for my visa. I told her “Kenya is a visa on arrival country, so you are not entitled to ask for a visa. However, my work permit is on page ##.” Talk about turning the tables. Of course this was in Terminal 2 where my first segment was domestic. Never had a problem with any agent for any airline in Terminal 5 asking that stupid question.
Jose! Oh the conversations you have with airport security. All a part of the adventure. Am I right?
While standing in line entering the country in Taiwan, without fail, someone will work up the courage to tell me in English that I’m in the wrong line. No, I’m a resident of Taiwan, too. We can be white sometimes. I know they mean well and just want to help out though.
It takes a lot of patience to answer the kinds of questions people ask. For instance “When did you get back?” and “When are you going back to–wherever you just came back from…” By the time you answer those questions 80 times, it gets a bit tiresome–but it is a part of coming home! Living overseas requires patience–patience with yourself when you can’t always say exactly what you want to say and sometimes settle on saying something that doesn’t quite hit the mark, but you had the vocabulary for that sentence, so you let it go at that. You just hope that the people you are talking to have the patience to hear you out. Coming back to your own country and feeling somewhat less than comfortable isn’t easy either, but you are a person from two counties and two languages, two cultures–so again–patience!!!
So much YES!!! Every time I am back in the US, I have that same conversation a hundred times. “When did you get here?…When are you going back?” I know that my friends and acquaintances are well-meaning. They are happy to see me, as I am to see them, but I am so weary of that conversation. Those questions are fine–just don’t stop there! I realize that they don’t have a clue what my life is like in another place that they’ve never been and can’t even picture. They don’t know anything other than the culture they live in. So they really don’t even know what to ask. I don’t want to shame them, or make their eyes glaze over by always saying “In [country], this… In [country], that…” So it really does take a tremendous amount of patience and wisdom to know how to bridge that gap. As I have opportunity, I try to gently educate people how to ask good questions that will help them show their interest and care, and allow the ex-pat to share the place they have experienced (and often have grown to truly love as another “home”).
“Those questions are fine . . . just don’t stop there.” Hitting a nerve Beth. Hitting a nerve. So many people can resonate with that sentiment.
Freda! “It takes a lot of patience to answer the kinds of questions people ask” . . .no truer words have ever been spoken. #wisdom.
So very, very true! My husband and I are dual citizens, but we don’t live in either of our passport countries… Patience with a capital P., and lots of laughs!
Using the name of our host country, Hungary, as a pub for “hungry” is the definition of low hanging fruit.
I kid you not, the PASSPORT OFFICER at the ATL airport said he wouldn’t want to go “hungry” like us (haaaaaaa). I looked at my wife afterwards and said “Wow, we literally entered the US to a Hungary joke.”
Sorry, “pun” not pub
If we only had a $1 for every time, eh? 😀
Brian. I am literally laughing out loud. Which is awkward because the rest of my family is asleep. Thanks for that. So funny and yet so frustrating all at the same time. This whole conversation makes me hungry.
I am Hungarian by birth so know what this kind of comment feels like. Next time you hear it, simply reply, “We are never hungry because we are close to Turkey”. Guaranteed.
Btw, we are nearing our first ever furlough after 3ys in the Pacific, and most people have never even heard about our host country. Even now, when friends try to send us mail they get told at the post office to put an actual/ real/ existing country name in the address field.
Which country do you live in?
We have the same problem living in Azerbaijan. Few know it exists, some don’t believe it does. And most can’t pronounce it. It’s a lovely feeling when someone has actually heard of it!
Oh heavens! I get it–I’ma an American living in Turkey and just about Thanksgiving time people can’t help the “So, ya gonna eat some Turkey in Turkey?” Wasn’t that funny the first time and five years later, well…
And if you don’t know the person well just assume they were missionaries or with the military because there’s absolutely no other reason to live in another country. And then when they explain act all disappointed because nothing is as exciting or self-sacrificing as being a missionary or in the military. My family lived in Southeast Asia for 15 years. My dad worked for an oil company. My friends parents did all kinds of jobs. My husband’s parents were there something like 23 years. His dad was a vice-president for General Electric.
So true OBL — We do tend to stereotype don’t we?
We were in Ukraine for 14 years and we still see the glazed over look when we say “In Ukraine….” The memories make us sad and happy at the same time.
I just got back a week & a half ago & made my 1st re-entry mistake in the airport! People were visibly angry with me for “cutting” in line. I was actually moving forward to see if I was in the right line because in my host country I have been in line for long periods of time only to find out it was the wrong one. “Cutting” hasn’t even been in my vocabulary for so many years & certainly wasn’t my purpose. I felt so judged because of the assumptions of uninformed people that now it’s difficult to speak with people because I don’t know what their assumptions are going to be, or if I’m going to offend. Wow. Home is not where you are safe. Relax, relearn.. Adapting to my old country s much more difficult than adapting to my new one was so long ago.
Yes! Missions or military is the only reason that comes to mind for them.
My dad has a mechanical engineering degree and was asked to work in a sales office in Hong Kong (we’d moved from Wisconsin) and then a factory in Malaysia, where I did go to school with (mostly) missionary kids. So we were “business kids,” which apparently has no interest for the folks back here in the US.
Sadly, some are *so* misinformed about other countries. I could have told my friend’s classmates (on a Christmas visit to my grandparents when I was in high school) that we rode elephants and had pet tigers, and some would have believed me. I brought my school yearbook along to show them what life is like there. Even though I am brown-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian and wore “normal” clothes, two kids came up to me and spoke really slowly like I didn’t know a lick of English! That was the most frustrating thing all day for me, having been born in their state no less.
Haha! I grew up in the Middle East and sometimes told people we went to school on camels. And they believed us. Hahahahahhahaa! You have to have some fun with it sometimes. (:
Yes fabulous! One question I am asking lately is how ‘we’ are seen on the other side? In other words, how do we id and recognize the irritations on the other side (those receiving us) and overcome both, so we work better together!
Good point. To be honest, I can imagine (and have talked about this on our trips back) that it is not always easy to be the welcoming ‘home’ culture wondering how best to receive those returning. They don’t want to offend or say something inconsiderate, but they simply cannot know all the things that might hurt. And let’s be honest, sometimes when we return, it IS hard to talk about anything other than our other home – and that can get a bit trying at times. We need to be able to be patient with each other.
Reverse culture shock is tough. Although the longest I have ever been out of the country was for three weeks (in Vietnam and Thailand) it was hard to come back. I wish everyone that is back in the U.S. a tension free transition back to the insanity of this country. 🙂
My now grown and married daughter recently posted that she was homesick and I just have to wonder where she is thinking of? I don’t dare ask her. We have lived in and loved too many places and too many people both abroad and in the USA.
You should ask her! I bet she’d like to talk about it. I’m a tck and now live abroad too and know I’d appreciate being asked!
This whole thing has put a lump in my throat. Every time I think the reverse culture shock has worn off, something else happens. I bite my tongue to avoid voicing negative thoughts, even after two years. As my life and call are adjusting, I am trying to figure out how to balance life in yet another phase. Rather than living abroad now, I’ll be living in the US and doing itinerant ministry in a number of nations. I’m excited but the pain of returning to American life every few weeks doesn’t seem to ease, at least, not yet.
Had a tense moment just this week even though I’ve been back Stateside almost 9 years. My 9yo niece was attempting to sing a song I’d taught her in my other home language. She forgot the words and started just singing gibberish to the tune. I told her that made me sad and my sister got defensive. Though I know she’s a child and it’s no big deal, the response I had was emotional. It was impossible to explain to my family.
Just one of the reasons I don’t want to go back to my birth country. I often get these when I go back to visit though. My life is in my second home country, but it’s insane how many people ask me when I will be going “home” when home to me is where I have lived my entire adult life, married, bought a house, adopted a dog and embarked on a career. I AM ALREADY HOME PEOPLE!
Number nine is my personal favorite, especially since we moved back. “But you’re not there anymore…” like the entire 12 years that we spent there was some kind of galactic time warp that should just disappear from our minds forever. Good times. Also, was in a bookstore one time and a guy asked me for my ZIP code. I explained (first mistake) that we lived overseas. He asked where and I said Ecuador. He blinked at me like a pigeon, so I clarified that it’s in South America. He said “OH! My aunt went to South America one time! Maybe you know her!” To my credit, I didn’t slug him. I did consider throwing a globe at his head though.
I got all teared up here. I’m about to embark on this “coming home” business. And coming back from Palestine, so lots of misconceptions to address.
When we were in the US for a visit during my high school years my parents took me to open a bank account in preparation for my transition to college a couple years later. The bank clerk asked where I had been living and I told her, Malaysia and the Philippines. She the asked “which states are those?” 🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭