Jun 4, 2014 |
Ok this is awkward.
There’s a solid chance that the demographic which might best benefit from this post (and the brilliance in the comments that follow {hint}) will never see it.
If you are welcoming a beloved friend or family member back into your life, after an extended amount of time in a faraway land, I can’t imagine that you’re scouring the internet for ways to do it well. Why would you? What’s to figure out?
Ummm . . . hug them?
Jump up and down?
I don’t really need a blog to tell me that.
Fair enough.
AND — If you are coming to the end of your time as a foreigner you may be itching to send this ahead . . . but how would that look?
“Hey! Can’t wait to see you in just 14 more days! Oh and please read these tips for welcoming me home . . . just don’t want you to mess that up . . . kay? . . . Love ya.”
So at the risk of writing a post that will never be read here are 10 Tips for welcoming your homecomers home.
You can read the rest of the Expat Exodus series here (that’s not a tip . . . I’m just sayin’) —
Tip #1: You are Incredible
Not so much a tip as an observation but hang with me for just a moment.
People who live away from “home” for long periods of time miss people (there should be no new information here). It’s one of the hardest parts about being away. Dozens, hundreds, thousands of times, while they were gone, they wished that they could share special moments with the people they love. You were the one they thought about on their loneliest days and in their darkest hours. You were who they missed
A quick snapshot into their brain . . . they didn’t miss the mean people or the annoying people nearly as much . They missed the incredible people. That’s you.
These people whom you are picking up from the airport or bringing a meal or even attending a party for are incredibly excited to be reunited with some of their favorite, incredible people.
Here’s the tip: This is your chance to become even more incredible. Returning home is a high stress, high joy, high intensity time that will be burned into these peoples memories for life. Why not earn your spot in that story. Just be yourself. You’re already incredible.
Tip #2: Homecomers are People
The profundity abounds. I know.
Here’s the thing. There are no cookie cutters here. People handle transition differently. The hardcore extraverts may be secretly longing for a surprise parade in the airport parking lot while the introverts vomit at the thought of seeing more than three people in their first week home.
There is no easy to follow checklist that applies equally to all homecomers. Even the tips in this post (say it isn’t so) need to be run through the filter of “Who are these people and what makes them click?” and then “What have they been through that may be relevant here?”
Bonus tip 1: You know them. Use that well.
Bonus tip 2: You don’t know them — at least not like you think you do. Transition does weird things to people. So does jet lag. So does spending significant time in a different country. Don’t assume too much.
Tip #3: Celebrate Good Times (Come on)
Important note – If you skipped Tip #2, go back and read that now.
Remember this: Everyone wants their homecoming to be celebrated — Not everyone wants a party.
Not every homecomer wants all of their Facebook friends to come together for a surprise party when they arrive. Come to think of it – no one wants that. That would be weird.
The big point here is that even if people don’t want to be celebrated . . . they don’t want to not be either. It’s one of the greatest disappointments for people who come home . . . “I felt like no one noticed.” Another is, “I felt completely overwhelmed by people.” It’s a tough balance to strike but it’s worth the effort to custom design a homecoming that leaves them feeling celebrated and lets them breathe appropriately.
Bonus tip 3: Love them well as soon as they land but let them get through jet lag before you plan group stuff.
4. Be a Safe Haven
It is shocking how many people say that returning to their home country was more challenging than moving to a foreign one in the first place. I know . . . it makes absolutely no sense but it happens . . . a lot. It’s supposed to be a homecoming — a joyful reunion — the end of feeling like a foreigner. But at least when you’re a bona fide foreigner no one expects you to be competent. When you’re home no one understands why you’re not.
Here’s the good news — You don’t have to understand this to know that it is true.
Homecomers need a place to say ignorant things, ask ignorant questions and genuinely be ignorant without feeling completely incompetent.
Be that safe spot.
Read “Landing Well” for more about Safe Havens
5. Normal Stuff can be Really Overwhelming
Piggy backing on Tip #4 – You should know about the lurking danger of every day stuff.
Wal-Mart nearly killed me. For the first time in 7 years my illiteracy buffer was lifted. I could read every product (ironically made in China), every advertisement and every sleazy tabloid in the store. It was English overload. On my way out I saw the picture wall of missing children and compulsively read every single one. Total breakdown.
I’m no stranger to Wal-Mart but this time . . . after 7 years away . . . was different.
Give your homecoming friends space to freak out about normal things.
Some other things that tend to cause temporary paralysis:
- The Cereal Aisle
- Church
- Patriotic holidays
- Talk Radio
- The Evening News
- Western Food (here we just call it food)
6. Don’t Make Fun of their Other Language as an Ice Breaker
Learning a language can be one of the biggest challenges of life abroad. Hours with tutors or sitting in classrooms. Studying, memorizing, software, flash cards, books. Knowing that you are saying it exactly right only to get a confused stare when you say it to your taxi driver. Learning, failing, learning again, failing again, faking it and finally getting it right. Longing to communicate in the heart language of the people who surround you.
Language has been more than a class to them. It has been the sound of the backdrop of their existence and the necessity for making things happen.
I did this whole process in Chinese for seven years . . . so when I land in America and some well meaning jokester hits me with, “Ahsooo – Me speaka da Chinese . . . Ching chang willy willy bing bang bong” . . . yeah let’s just say it’s not as funny as it sounds in your head.
Whatever the language — don’t belittle it.
Read these to learn more about faking language:
Tip #7: Don’t Reduce Culture to a Stereotype
Piggy backing on Tip #6
I mean this in the nicest possible way. You are ignorant.
There’s really no nice way to say that is there? The heart behind it though is to simply say you may not know everything there is to know about everything. You’re not Wikipedia and you don’t need to be.
The question is not, “are you ignorant?” We all are.
A better question might be, “Which way are you going to go with that?”
A. Pretend to know something
or
B. Try to learn something?
World of difference and so relevant for loving on your homecomers.
“A” looks like this – “Welcome back from Australia . . . G’day mate!! Did you go on a walkabout?” (followed by a punch in the arm and a hearty laugh)
“B” looks like this – “Welcome back, I’m not gonna’ lie I feel like the only things I know about Australia are what I learned on Crocodile Hunter. Can’t wait to hear your stories.”
“A” assumes that you know something but you just exhausted the full extent of your Australian insight in two seconds.
“B” admits that you know squat but sets you up to broaden your frame of reference.
To the homecomer “A” is irritating, “B” is refreshing.
Tip #8: Homecomers Love to Tell Their Stories. Let them.
They just had the experience of a lifetime or maybe they crashed and burned. Either way there are stories to tell and telling them is a valuable part of a healthy homecoming process. It is SO common for people coming home to feel like no one cares about where they’ve been.
“Wow 28 years in Thailand . . . how was that?”
In other words, “Please sum up 28 years of your life up in a sentence or two, I need to get going.”
You will breathe life into the homecomers transition if you are the person (maybe the only one) who genuinely wants to listen.
- Hear their stories.
- Ask them to explain.
- Ask them how they felt.
- Ask them how they dealt with it.
- Ask them what they learned.
- Ask them how they changed.
- Ask them what was wonderful.
- Ask them what was terrible.
Show some interest and don’t roll your eyes when they mention Thailand . . . again.
Tip #9: Some Things Not to Say
“I bet you’re glad to be back”
Surprisingly it can be hard for many homecomers to hear how “happy they must be” to be home. Not always the case and even if it is the insinuation may feel like “here is good and there is bad.” Expats and Repats (homecomers) can be ardent defenders of their host lands (even if they hated their experience there).
“Oh that’s like . . . “
There is a glossy look that people get when you tell them a story and they politely wait for you to finish so they can tell you a better one. Don’t get me wrong, you’re stories are welcome. However, don’t respond to every story with, “Oh Brazil, that’s just like when we went to Mexico.”
Nope. It’s not. Fight the temptation to one-up every story.
“Don’t THEY . . . “
“Don’t they eat dogs in China? Aren’t they Communist? Don’t they bind women’s feet? Don’t they know Kung Fu?”
All of them?
THEY is such an inclusive word and your homecomer has had a front row seat to a bigger picture. There is so much more to any question you can ask. Use questions as a springboard to go deeper and let them share their expertise. Don’t use questions to confirm that your stereotypes are true.
Tip #10 Go Easy on the Politics and Pop Culture
Life is trending right now. It’s hard to keep up even if you’re right in the middle of it.
Homecomers have been doing life with a different filter for “what’s important?” They haven’t been bombarded by local (and by local I mean only what’s happening in your country) politics and they may have zero clue who got famous last month.
Even if they have kept up with the information, there is a difference between knowing information and living in the environment where it is important.
It’s ok if they’re behind. It’s ok if they changed while they were away. It’s ok if you did too.
Spend some time rediscovering them and helping them rediscover home . . . but take it slow.
Tip #11: GRACE — Give it freely and keep some for yourself
- When your homecomer crawls into a hole for a week . . . Give him some grace.
- When your homecomer gets paralyzed and stares at the potato chips for an hour . . . Give her some grace.
- When they don’t get your best “Ching Chang” jokes . . . Grace.
- When they walk out of Sunday morning service . . . Grace.
- When they say, “who’s that?” about the new President . . . Grace.
- When they break down and cry because they miss home . . . and you thought they were home . . . Grace.
- When something you say causes them to have an emotional breakdown . . . Grace
- When you get fed up and snap, “Life’s not all about you homecomer!! Get a grip!!” . . . It’s for you too . . . Take some grace for yourself.
I will speak on behalf of all homecomers (without permission) and say this: You’re the best part about coming home. We need you. Thanks for being incredible.
If you’re welcoming homecomers and have stumbled across this somehow I hope it helps.
If you know someone who is about to go through this (and can do so safely) . . . Pass it on.
If you’ve been there and done that (from any angle) don’t be stingy. Add your tips. What worked for you? What didn’t?
May 30, 2014 |
Leaving is hard. Being left is harder.
Transition is a huge part of life for an expat. That’s understood. By the time you sign on you’ve wrapped your head around the fact that you’re about to trade normal for unknown. Returning home is the same story with a twist. There are seminars for all of that.
What they don’t tell you in the brochure, however, is that the transition never stops. Expat communities are a revolving door and just about the time you start to adjust to your new found normal, people leave, and your normal changes again.
It’s the Expat Exodus . . . transient people coming and going. Tough all around.
Go here for some thoughts on going home (or elsewhere) after life abroad:
The often unmentioned casualties in the whole story however, are neither coming nor going. They are staying.
The Stayers pain is less pronounced, less expected and less acknowledged than those who are leaving. They’re not packing up and saying goodbye in a frenzied mess of dinners and parties and awkward, intentional eye contact. They’re also not freaking out about the next thing, the new job, the overwhelming inevitables that are coming at the end of a long painful plane ride.
But when the goodbyes are over and the repats are gone . . . there they stand . . . in the exact same spot . . .
No exciting “next chapter.” No happy family reunions. No big adventure. Everything exactly the same only much different.
Staying is the only expat transition with no honeymoon period.
Leaving is hard on Stayers.
Here are 10 Tips for Staying Well:
Tip #1: RAFT’s are not Just for Coming and Going
I am a monster fan of Dr. David Pollock’s model for transitioning well known as Building a RAFT (Google it). It’s so simple and yet so comprehensive.
It is brilliant for people beginning their expat journey. Brilliant again for those ending it.
Unfotunately it is all but ignored for Stayers.
Reconciliation • Affirmation • Farewell • Think Ahead
Don’t let people you love leave without walking through this process for yourself . The beauty of such a transient life is the natural growth of a phenomenal, global network of true friendships. Expats get to know people all over the world. Leaving broken bits of relationship unattended to weakens that network. Communicating — VERY SPECIFICALLY — how much you appreciate people makes it crazy strong.
Build a RAFT even if you’re not going anywhere.
Tip #2: Flip the Manual Override Switch
Some people are phenomenal at gushing from the inside out. They are naturally transparent and affectionate and so easily expressive it hurts. This tip is not for you. Sorry you only get 9. You may skip to #3.
The rest of us live on the flip side of that universe. We start sensing (consciously or otherwise) that something bad is about to happen. Our internal systems go on red alert and start shutting down. We ignore. We pretend. We may even drum up some conflict to make it less painful to let go.
Catch it early and force yourself to do what is NOT natural. Go manual. Say the things you want to say. Get all awkward and nervous but don’t miss your window because it didn’t “feel” right. And don’t make the excuse of “ehh they know how I feel.” They do not. People are dense.
Bonus tip: It’s ok to acknowledge awkward: Laugh about it. Make a joke about it. Sing a song about it (seriously, I met a guy who couldn’t work up the nerve to say good goodbyes so he grabbed his guitar and spontaneously sang songs to everyone in the room to tell them how he felt – genius). The point is, when it’s over they need to genuinely know how you feel.
Read this blog post: My Head in the Clouds – If You’re Staying — Great advice for how you can love on your departing friends. Good stuff.
Tip #3: Go Away and Come Back
There are dismal days after the Exodus. Personally it was always gut-wrenching for me to walk around my apartment complex and be painfully aware of who was NOT there and who was never coming back. It’s like a ghost town but that sense is exaggerated in the moment. I personally think it’s fair to change your scenery for a bit if your schedule and budget allow it. Take your family and go visit one of the spots you’ve been wanting to see. Grab some friends (if there are still some near) and hop a train to anywhere.
I don’t think it’s running away to run away briefly. Give yourself a few days (or weeks?) to get your mind on something else BUT (underlined because this is a huge but) don’t stay gone (physically or mentally). Make a plan to re-engage your real life. Don’t pretend nothing is different . . . but take a break.
Tip #4: Schedule your first Skype Call
Goodbyes are saturated with good intentions. Non specific, ambiguous, unscheduled plans generally don’t ever happen.
“Keep in touch.”
“Talk to you soon.”
“Can’t wait to Skype.”
“Call us when you get there.”
All great thoughts but unlikely in the context of life. Especially the life that your departing friends are about to encounter. You don’t have to schedule the next six months worth of weekly calls. But get the first one on the books. Figure out the time zone difference. Know where they’re going to be and when . . . and schedule it. That first chat will be sweet. Increase the liklihood of it actually happening.
Tip #5: Grief is Not Just for Dying
Transition = Loss = Grief. Leaving or being left is not death. It’s not the same kind of pain.
That said, when something has been a rich part of your life and then it is no longer there, what often happens is very accurately defined as grief. This is the kind of grief that sneaks up on you and smacks you from behind because you weren’t expecting it. They didn’t die. You didn’t get divorced. The traditional grief rules don’t apply here but it’s the real deal and grief is a process.
Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance
Now is a good time to study up on grief. You’ll not only give yourself the freedom to go through the process but you’ll make a little sense out of what is happening to you. Grief is a real thing. Don’t be ashamed about that and do everything (underlined for emphasis) you can to get the support you need.
Bonus Tip: Scroll through the comment sections of the links listed above (Ten Tips for Leaving and Landing). There are some really rich and vulnerable accounts of people who have dealt with the grief of transition. Also some great extra tips and advice.
Tip#6 Get All Creative
Here’s my dream project that we haven’t done yet because we’ve been renting and landlords get kind of grumpy about stuff like this. We paint a wall somewhere in our home with a world map. The whole wall. It’s huge (in my dream).
Then we hang pictures of all of our friends according to where they live in the world (at last count we had friends from 37 countries). We also paint the countries that we have traveled to a different color and put pictures of our trips. Then we paint the countries that we want to go to. How cool would that be?
This is what I want to happen as a result of my Global dream wall:
- We are reminded every day of how awesome our expat experience was.
- We never forget about those friends.
- We never stop being a global family (big fear of mine right now)
- We celebrate as a family when we get to hang new pictures and paint new countries.
- We’ve got a huge conversation piece that let’s us talk about our story.
That’s one idea but there must be a billion more. Get crazy creative to help yourself (and your family) not lose touch with the pieces of your life that have moved on. Share your ideas in the comment section.
Tip #7: Michael W. Smith Was Wrong
Sorry – I know not everyone reading this grew up in the American, Christian 80’s like I did but if you did it’s likely that you have a love hate relationship with the song (it’s hard to even type it) . . .
Friends are Friends Forever
We sang this song at every camp, every graduation and every youth event we attended for at least a decade. Each time the result was the same — dozens of violently weeping teenagers locked up in a gigantic group hug . . . then we played it again because whatever it was we were doing . . . was over and we couldn’t bear the thought.
Before I digress let me just take issue with one line . . .
“But we’ll keep you close as always . . . it won’t even seem (short pause) you’ve gone . . . “
Nope. Not true.
When they leave, it most certainly does seem like they’ve gone and they are nowhere near as close as always.
It’s a great thought, but in the interest of closing the gap between expectations and reality. I thought you should know.
Tip #8: It doesn’t Get Better
Geesh. This blog post is depressing. Sorry.
I talk to a boatload of expats. All of them hate June (click here to find out more) but the ones who have the hardest time with people leaving are not the rookies, they’re the vets. The 15+ crowd are the ones who ball like babies and say, “I am SO SICK OF GOODBYES!!”
You’d think they might have it figured out by now but they don’t. Scratch that — some of them do — but for the ones who really get Tip #9, it never gets better. In fact it gets worse every year.
Tip #9: Never Stop Engaging
Saying Goodbye is hard. It’s crummy actually (pardon my harsh language) and frankly saying goodbye to multiple friends every year (not just in June) can wear on a person. It is normal and common to become callous. Whether you consciously make the decision or not your brain is smart enough to make the connection without you.
“If I don’t get close to these new people, it won’t hurt so bad when they leave.”
Ding, ding, ding . . . you, my friend have figured it out. The secret to the painless expat life.
One catch. Write this down and then underline it . . .
It hurts because it is good.
The better it is, the more it hurts. You can absolutely save yourself massive amounts of pain by not engaging in new relationships but as a trade off you will miss even more massive amounts of really good stuff.
And that’s only looking at it from a selfish perspective. Long termers who hurt deeply when people leave have inevitably poured their lives into people who have grown by knowing them. Those who figure out the secret, on the other hand, become bitter, closed off and have little impact.
Your choice.
Bonus Tip: Don’t be who you’re not. You may be a total introvert. Staying engaged doesn’t mean you need to sign on to be the community welcomer extraordinaire. However, when you are engaging at a level that is lower than your norm, you might be headed the wrong direction.
Tip #10. (Wanna’ Guess?) Grace — Give it Freely and Keep Some for Yourself
- When you’re departing bestie makes up a reason to be mad at you so it won’t hurt so bad to say goodbye. Give her some grace.
- When a RAFTing departer “forgives” you for something you didn’t even know you did. Give him some grace.
- When you thought they were going to Skype and they didn’t. Grace.
- When someone plays “Friends are Friends Forever” at the goodbye dinner. Grace.
- When the new people think they can just come right in and be your friends. Give them some grace and just be their friend.
- When you watch your fourth good friend of the year wave from airport security and disappear . . . it’s for you too . . . Whatever happens next, give yourself some grace.
It hurts because it’s good. (underlined because it’s true)
If you are a Stayer, I hope this helps.
If you know a Stayer, please pass this on.
If you’ve been there and done that don’t be stingy. Add your tips. What worked for you?
May 29, 2018 |
There’s a ton of information out there for expats who are coming down to the last days of their time abroad on how to Leave Well. I say fair enough since — you know — it’s an important topic — and I wrote a lot of it.
Click to read
Here’s the thing. Not EVERYONE WANTS to leave WELL. What about those people? Don’t see many books or blog posts out there for them do you?
So here you go. For those who are just done. Over it. SO ready to fly away, never look back and leave a trail of mess behind them.
(Alternatives offered for those still on the fence)
Here are TEN WAYS to Leave Poorly
ONE: CHECK OUT EARLY
Finishing is hard. Let’s just get on with it. Want to leave poorly? Turn your FULL attention to NEXT as soon as you can. Spend every spare moment daydreaming, Googling, Youtubing or Zillowing the next thing. Do the bare minimum on this side. What are they gonna’ do? Fire you?
An alternative: Set aside specific hours to pay attention to “NEXT”. Focus like a laser beam during those hours. Dream. Plan. Job hunt. Connect — but set an alarm. Then be PRESENT where you are. Don’t let frustration steal your best moments.
TWO: SNEAK OUT THE BACK DOOR
People have a lot going on. They don’t need to be bothered by your dramatic departure. Farewells are hard and frankly, the people who are NOT leaving are kind of sick of it. Book your flight early and don’t tell people when you’re leaving. Send an email later (if you think of it).
An alternative: Let it hurt. Let it be awkward. Do the crying and the hugging and the intentional eye contact blubbering. Say what you really feel before you fly away.
THREE: FAKE A FIGHT
Let your Leaving Brain take over — it will do the rest. Somewhere in your subconscious, you understand that leaving is hard BECAUSE it is good. The gooder (now a word) it is, the harder it is. So put your brain on autopilot and let it drum up some some self protective conflict. Presto — less good — less hard. It’s simple math really.
An alternative: Recognize what your brain is doing. You’re normal if extra (sometimes petty) problems show up during transition. Keep short accounts. Apologize quickly. Deal with the hard stuff but don’t let it drive.
Click here to find out Why Transition is Like Puberty
FOUR: START A SMALL THRIFT STORE
This is a GREAT way to leave poorly AND make some cash on the side. Make sure you get the BEST price for EVERYTHING you get rid of. Be firm. People will come rushing in like vultures trying to get a good deal. Don’t get taken advantage of.
An Alternative: Take a financial hit for a relational gain. Your stuff is valuable but your time is precious and your people are priceless. Don’t feel guilty for selling your stuff but don’t let it rob you of time with your people. Consider giving your best stuff to your best people as a departing gift. They’ll see it and think of you for years to come. The money will be gone in days.
Click here to read “Transition and Stuff”
FIVE: FOCUS ON THE DARK SIDE
Repeat after me: “I am SO BUSY!!”
Try this one: “This place is STUPID!!”
One more: “I’m EXHAUSTED!!”
Now take a few minutes and think of your own. Choose five. Write them on post-it-notes and put them around your home. Be very intentional to start EVERY conversation with one of these five. Don’t be fooled by sweet gestures and niceties. You’re too busy for that — probably too tired as well.
An Alternative: Acknowledge that parts of this are just plain hard. It IS exhausting. You ARE busy. But this is a season and it’s going to be over soon. Now realize that the good things are going with it too. This place may be challenging AND you will probably miss it terribly.
SIX: JUST LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
Busy? Stressed? Exhausted? Take all of your post-it-notes from number 5 and put a HAPPY STAMP on them. Just smile big and speak in cheery tones. Ignore the bad stuff — you’ll be gone soon anyway, Avoid the “bad” people — you never have to deal with them again if you can just hold on.
An alternative: Deal with your issues. Forgive people. Ask for forgiveness. Address it all but do it in such a way that you can move forward. Little secret: Issues fly. Skipping them now doesn’t mean they won’t travel with you.
SEVEN: STEAL THE SHOW
You are leaving. That’s a big deal. Probably the biggest deal in your life right now. Fair enough. INSIST that it become the biggest deal in everyone else’s life as well. Dominate the community with the “I AM LEAVING YOU SHOULD BE SAD” narrative.
An Alternative: Be sensitive to the community who gets left A LOT. Put some time and thought into a plan for maximizing the VALUE of farewell times without dominating other people’s already busy schedules. Don’t contribute to “FAREWELL FATIGUE.” It’s ok for this to be the biggest thing in your life and not theirs.
Click here to read about The Transition That Never Ends
EIGHT: SAVE YOUR LAST WEEK FOR YOUR LANDLORD
A surefire way to leave poorly — consider the most annoying and frustrating tasks possible and ensure that your final moments are spent doing exactly that. Never fails. Why spend time sharing meals and connecting with your closest friends when you could be closing bank accounts, stopping cell service or fighting with your landlord about how much it costs to fix a scratch on the refrigerator.
An Alternative: Get your affairs in order early. Take care of logistics or at least set them in motion so your final moments can be shared with the people of your choosing.
NINE: HAVE A SUPERHERO COMPLEX
You’ve worked hard. Put a lot into this place. It’s probably going to fall to pieces when you leave. Spend a ton of time making sure that your replacement will be able to do EVERYTHING EXACTLY like you have. Consider every possibility and leave detailed instructions. Convince yourself they’ll actually do it that way and pretend that it is all for their good and not just to satisfy your sensitive ego.
Bonus tip — Start every line with: “It’s TOTALLY up to you but you’ll probably want to . . . ”
Passive aggression is the best.
An Alternative: Take a deep breath. Your contribution means something. Your work has been good — but expat communities are transient and forward moving. Your impact will be felt but something is going to change from the way you have done it. Help your successor . . . don’t box them in.
TEN: LIVE GRACELESSLY
Times of transition are tough for everyone . . . but mostly for you. Make sure people know that.
An Alternative: Forgive and seek forgiveness even before you’re asked. Let people off the hook when they say or do stupid things. Make people your priority on the way out. Give grace like crazy to all of them . . . and keep some for yourself.
OR
You could leave poorly. Either way.
Jan 25, 2016 |
Ironically, this post is based entirely on an outright assumption.
My assumption is this. If crossing cultures is a part of your life then you probably have some comprehension of the things that prevent you from doing that well. You don’t need a blog to tell you that mockery (for example) is going to slow you down if you’re really trying grasp the heart and soul of a people group that is different from your own.
Let’s get honest — it doesn’t mean you don’t mock. The cheap laugh. The sarcastic wisecrack. The overstated accent. We’ve all gone there at some point but generally speaking we know it’s not a good thing. You’ll find very few blogs that defend mockery as a mechanism to thrive as an expat.
Plenty of them that mock. Few that defend it.
There are numerous other attackers of the healthy expat life. Obvious ones like racism (no-brainer there), arrogance, stereotyping, ethnocentrism, name-calling. How about crawling into a hole and hiding from reality? That’s one. Maybe screaming “SPEAK ENGLISH!!” at people who don’t know how. Not a best practice.
Nothing new there.
These are the super villains — the arch-enemies of understanding a culture that is different from your own. I’m assuming you know that already — BUT — in fairness, assuming should probably go on the list.
Ohhh the irony. Let’s roll with that.
This is a list of the lesser obvious bad guys. These are the culprits that you don’t see coming. They blend in with the best practices and sometimes they even share the same names. However, in their sneaky, subtle ways they often cause more trouble than the big ones.
These are the ironic enemies of living cross-culturally
(count-down style for dramatic effect)
Enemy # 5: Grinning
We’ve established mockery as a bad thing right? Usually expats (following a period of adjustment) develop an instinctively visceral reaction to blatant, full on mockery of their host culture.
I, for example, grow Wolverine claws when the “hilarious”, self-proclaimed comedians from my own culture pop off with something like, “OOOHHHH you go to China? Ah ching chang willy willy bing bang bong.”
Trust me. It happens.
Expats (at least the healthy ones) move past mockery. However — sometimes the remnants remain.
It comes in the form a tiny little grin — a raised eyebrow — a silent head shake — an under the breath giggle (or sometimes a snort). Often it’s a shared moment of eye contact with someone who knows exactly what you’re saying in your head even though you didn’t say a word out loud. It’s micro-mockery and chances are it is much less externally damaging than it’s full grown form. Unfortunately, internally it’s fueled from the same source — a betterness complex and a sense of cultural superiority.
Bonus tip: Judge your ownself. Apart from time and relationship there is no weapon that works against mockery except the “awkward juke of shame”.
“You know guys, I just really don’t feel like that kind of talk is appropriate.”
That will stop Mr. Ching Chang dead in his tracks but it won’t change his heart. He just learned that he can’t make that joke around you . . . because you are hypersensitive. Try starting by being aware of where your own grins are coming from and model something different.
Enemy #4: Progress
Cross-cultural progress is a wild ride. I have a reputable source who says I am not the only one who set goals on the front end of my expat experience which turned out to be tantamount to a typical New Year’s resolution. Dropped cold by week three.
The consequence is a feeling (somewhere along the line) that we have failed miserably as expats.
“I thought I would be fluent by now and I can only order three dishes.”
“I planned to have great relationships and I haven’t even met my neighbors.”
“I was so ready to go exploring and I’ve barely left my apartment.”
We’re stuck with a depressing sense that we have made zero progress — UNTIL — someone comes to visit from our previous life.
IT IS AWESOME!
In one trip to the airport we transform into some kind of an expat superstar. The last time you saw these people you were at exactly the same level of linguistic fluency and cultural savvy. Now look at you. You’re practically a local.
So you see, progress can leave you delusional on both ends. You mistake yourself for a miserable failure or a colossal success based on a misguided assessment of what progress is supposed to look like.
Bonus Tip: Slow and steady wins the race. Progress (of course) is not an inherently bad thing but it doesn’t function well in extremes. Your benchmark is not the people who know nothing anymore than it is the people who know everything. Keep moving forward.
Enemy #3: High Praise
It’s been nearly ten years since we first moved to China. I must have ridden in a thousand taxis. That means that 900 plus taxi drivers have told me how great my Chinese is.
It’s really not.
Generally I lead with something simple like, “ni hao” which means “hello”. To which they say “WAAAH!! You’re Chinese is SO good!”
To which I say, “why thank you — I have been working on my ‘hello’.”
I know that not all expat experiences are like my China one but often a misunderstanding of cultural obligations surrounding hospitality combined with low expectations of the foreigners (like myself) result in a sort of surface level accolade that is easily mistaken by the dolt foreigner (like myself) as a fair and accurate assessment. “These people love me and wish they could be more like me!”
Sounds ridiculous but it’s not far from spot on.
Living in a highly complimentary host culture is not a bad gig if you can get it. However, the really good stuff is below the surface. Expats who set up camp in a La La Land of “They love me” miss the joy of genuine relationship. It’s a painful moment, though, when the Emperor discovers he’s not wearing clothes.
Bonus Tip: Ask double third person questions. Don’t ask your friends what they think of you. Ask them what their friends think of other foreigners — then assume that’s what they think of you. Brace yourself. You may be naked.
Enemy #2: Asking “WHY?”
Some of the best advice I ever got came from a veteran expat who told me to stop asking “why”.
My first response was knee jerk . . . “Seriously? Why?”
“Why” is the core. It is the source. It is the deep-rooted nucleus of everything that is happening around you. It is often ancient at it’s origins but complexified by hundreds, maybe thousands of years of socio-cultural events, political uprisings, economic trends, religious undertones and philosophical masterminds. Not to mention every “why” has a different answer — a different source — a different nucleus.
“Why do they eat with sticks?”
“Why do they rub noses?
“Why do they slam the ball into the ground, scream at the sky and punch each other when they score?”
The first assumption when you ask “why” is that the person whom you have asked actually knows the answer. The second assumption is that once you have heard it, you do too. Asked and answered is far too simple a process for nuclear topics.
Why should you not ask why? (are you following the irony here?). Because you can’t handle the why. That’s why.
Be a constant inquisitor but ask “who, what, when, where, how?” “Why” will become clearer over time.
Bonus tip: If you must ask “why” commit to asking it 100 times. Don’t accept that the first answer is the full one. Pile a hundred partially correct answers together, though, and you’ll start to get the picture. You’ll also realize how big the question is.
AND the #1 (ironic) enemy of living cross culturally . . . drum roll please
Enemy #1: Grace
If you have ever read anything that I have written you’re likely calling me a big fat hypocrite right now.
You are freakishly observant.
Grace is a theme for me. I have held it out there as a key (if not THE key) to thriving in practically every aspect of cross-cultural life (if not life in general).
See for yourself . . .
Leaving Well
Landing Well
Staying Well
Receiving Well
Going Nowhere
I’m like a broken record and I’m not taking it back — but I’ve noticed something about myself.
I am great at extending grace . . . selectively.
Here’s an example: I am quick to give grace to my Chinese friends if they say something that could sound offensive.
“Meh — it’s cultural. They probably don’t know any better.”
However — When my friends back home (the ones who look, talk, think and act like me) say something equally offensive (“ching chang” for example) I am disproportionately slower to allow grace into the equation.
“Idiots. They should know better.”
This is where it stings a little. My selective grace — my harshness towards my own — is actually an expression of my own betterness complex.
“My people should know better than the poor, uninformed others.”
Don’t read me wrong. I’m NOT suggesting that you should give less grace to your host culture. Please don’t. Nor am I suggesting that you should let Mr. Ching Chang entirely off the hook. You can play that one by ear.
I may not even be suggesting anything but what I have recognized in myself is that when there is a disparity in my willingness to give grace it may be a result of some uncovered, yet to be dealt with prejudice.
In other words — when I’m pointing out one group’s prejudice and ignoring another’s . . . I’m revealing my own.
Ouch.
Bonus Tip: Cultures are not just foreign. It helps to recognize that “my people” have a culture too. A rich and imperfect history. A deep and misguided understanding of the world. A vast set of presuppositions built on centuries of shared experiences.
There they are. The sneaky. The subtle. The ironic enemies of living cross-culturally.
Now you know and “Knowledge is Power”.
Ironically “knowledge” should probably be on the list since once you think you know something you stop trying to understand it.
Ohh the irony. Let’s stop there.
Something to add? Ironic enemy # 6? #7? #8? Comment below and pass it on.
Apr 6, 2015 |
It’s coming again . . . the massive, painful, Expatriate Exodus
As I write this there are thousands of expats scattered across the planet who are packing up their lives and making plans for whatever comes next. It happens every year and the high season for leavers is upon us.
click here to see why expats hate June
I myself repatriated just two years ago and am now preparing to return to my life as an expat. So whether I am re-expatting or becoming an ex-repat one truth is painfully clear.
I am leaving . . . again.
Here are some questions that I have found to be helpful by watching people leave well.
Question 1: Are you Crazy?
This is not so much a “yes” or “no” question. I’m just establishing a baseline.
Maybe a better question would be “how crazy are you and is that enough?”
What you are about to go through is quite frankly . . . crazy. Not the “mentally deranged” type of crazy. That’s a separate issue. This is more of a “you’re just not like the normal people” kind of crazy. Normal people pack their bags and take a trip. They ask the neighbor to watch the cat. They say goodbye, go away . . . and then come back. That is normal.
What you are doing is not normal. You’re packing it ALL up . . . or selling it . . . or giving it away . . . including the cat. You’ll say goodbye and you’ll go away but that is where you part ways from the normal people. Literally and figuratively.
It’s good to wrap your head around the fact that the next few months of your lives is not going to be normal. Even for you. It’s also good to know that this is a season. There is a beginning and an end. Normal will return but for now and for a little while it’s gonna’ be crazy.
It will help if you are too — at least a little.
Question 2: Are you Leaving Well or Leaving Happy?
There is a monstrous difference between leaving well and leaving happy. Leaving happy can range from, “I’m just happy to be leaving” to “It’ll be just like I never left.” Regardless, you’re missing something if your primary focus is how you feel when you get on the plane.
How about a sports metaphor? Tickling a runner with a broken leg so hard they nearly wet themselves doesn’t get them ready for the next race.
Leaving happy may mean setting yourself up for a fall in the near future.
Here are some of the differences between leaving well and leaving happy:
- Leaving happy remembers the good times and ignores the bad.
- Leaving well celebrates the good and learns from the bad. It mourns and adjusts.
- Leaving happy anticipates an unrealistic future — “It will be better when . . . “
- Leaving well prepares for the inevitable high’s and low’s to come.
- Leaving happy candy coats reality.
- Leaving well addresses the bitter and the sweet.
- Leaving happy leaves relationships . . . nice.
- Leaving well let’s them go deep.
For more about Leaving Well read these posts from last year’s Expat Exodus series
Question 3: Have you considered that going home might be harder than leaving?
Sorry — don’t kill the messenger.
This is something that I’ve heard over and over. Going “home” was more difficult than becoming a foreigner.
We could go a thousand different directions here but I think the roots of the issue can be found in the mammoth gap between your expectations and reality.
- You think you are going “home” but your “home concept” is outdated. Home changed while you were out. So did you.
- You think it will be easy to get around now that you speak the language but “the language” is going to overwhelm you.
- You expected to be an incompetent, bumbling idiot when you moved abroad but you’ve got no clue that you’re about to feel that way again.
- You’ve got great stories and can’t wait to tell all your friends. Bless your heart. Not all of them want to hear your stories.
- You’re excited about your favorite cereal but the cereal aisle is about to destroy you.
Question 4: Do you know that you’re NOT weird?
Crazy? Yes. Weird? No.
I get to spend quality time with dozens of exiting expats every spring. It is remarkable to me how many of them share the exact same anxieties. What is even more remarkable is that most of them feel isolated in that anxiety. Whatever they’re feeling, they’re pretty certain they are the only ones feeling it.
You may not be normal but it’s almost guaranteed that you’re a normal repat.
You might be a normal repat . . .
- If you are leaving in two months and still have no clue where you’re going to work . . . or live.
- If you’ve been fighting with your spouse . . . your kids . . . your friends . . . your co-workers more than usual.
- If walking by the vegetable market makes you cry.
- If group hugs with your weeping bff’s don’t make you cry at all even when you try your hardest.
- If you’re finding yourself more frustrated with your host culture than you have been in a long time.
- If you’re having vivid . . . or scary . . . or senseless . . . or stressful dreams.
- If you’re having deja vu a lot.
- If you’re having deja vu a lot.
- If you feel like expat life has changed you . . . and you’re afraid going home will “change you back”.
- If the thought of politics, or pop culture, or school, or church or the nightly news at home makes you vomit a little bit in your mouth.
- If you are afraid.
- If you are excited.
- If you are something that is not on this list. Anything.
Trust me. You are not alone.
Question 5: Do you have a plan?
Trust me again. Trying to round out this important chapter of your life without a plan is a sure way to pile unnecessary stress on top of an already stressful process and miss some golden opportunities for doing this well.
It is basic supply and demand and your time is at a premium. You can budget it like a wise investor or you can take your chances . . . like a drunken gambler.
A well thought out plan ensures that your best friends get your best time and your ok friends get your ok time. It also protects you from well meaning time suckers and circumstances which are neither good nor ok.
Even if you’re not a planner. You’ll do better with a plan.
Question 6: Does your plan include a buffer?
“The best laid plans of Mice and Men oft go awry
And leave us naught but grief and pain for promised joy!”
-Robert Burns — To A Mouse
Frankly I think old Robert was off by an “oft”. Your best plan will ALWAYS go awry. Something will come up. Someone will cancel. It will rain or snow or your taxi will get lost or you will develop a fluke allergic reaction to shoes. Something will not go as planned. Guaranteed.
So what is the plan then? The plan is to stick to the plan 100% . . . and then be flexible when the plan doesn’t work out like you planned it. Leave yourself some wiggle room if at all possible.
- Do the hard stuff first.
- Protect your last two weeks.
- If possible consider leaving later rather than sooner (even a few days makes a big difference)
- You’ll be packing until you leave your house or apartment — Consider some time in a hotel or with friends before you leave.
Question 7: If you were on a plane right now what would you be wishing you would have done better?
Stepping through the security gate at the airport is a bit of a surreal moment. It serves as a sort of portal into the next chapter. Once you step through and lose eye contact with your entourage it all turns real. That’s it. Chapter over. Page turned.
It’s a weird mix of lonely and liberating but it marks the end of the last chances.
Sure, you’ve got Skype and email and tons of frequent flyer miles so it’s not all doom and gloom but it is definitely and entirely different.
Now (pre-leaving) is your best time for awkward eye contact and goofy “you’ve changed my life” speeches. Hug emojis are not actual hugs. Skype is not the same as your favorite coffee shop. Facebook can’t compare to a best friend photo shoot.
There is no time to do everything you want to do . . . but there is time to do some of it.
Why are you even still reading this? Go.
Question 8: What are you taking with you?
Wrestling with the literal version of this question can be painful. Are you shipping your things or downsizing to the maximum suitcase allowance? What are you NOT taking and how are you getting rid of it? Who wants your toaster and more importantly who do you want to have it?
Great time to take inventory.
The figurative version of this question though is where it gets rich. How are you different from the person you were when you started this adventure? What has changed inside of you?
- What do you value that you never valued before?
- How have your core beliefs been challenged and stretched and strengthened?
- What memories will make you grin until you are old and wrinkly?
- How have you been transformed by this whole, crazy experience?
Consciously thinking about these things is a part of moving forward with a strong foundation.
Side question: What are you leaving behind? Try that one literally and figuratively too.
Question 9: Do people REALLY know how you feel about them?
Let me answer that one for you.
Unless you have told them . . . specifically . . . in very clear and simple terms . . . then NO — people do NOT know how you feel about them.
Why? Because people are dense.
People generally know the headlines but they don’t just assume the details. They may know that you appreciate them but they don’t know why. They don’t know what it is about them that made you start respecting them. They don’t know the impact (specifically) that they have had on you. They don’t know how you are a different person for knowing them and they don’t know how you can only hope and dream to impact other people the way they have you.
Because they’re dense.
But it’s ok. You’re dense too.
Assume nothing. Leave them knowing.
Question 10: Are you being selfish?
It is a stressful time. I get it. Trust me. I get it.
You need to sell your stuff and pack your bags and make your plan, look people in the eyeballs and say good healthy goodbyes. You need to be thinking forward and backward and right now all at the same time and you can’t afford to miss a single moment. You’re overwhelmed with details and people won’t stop asking you for your blender.
You’re leaving and life is tough for a leaver.
But look around. Those people around you . . . are being left. Again.
Leavers are not the only ones impacted by the Expat Exodus. You know what it feels like. Chances are, if you’re a leaver then you’ve also been left before. Some of you have been left year after year for a long, long time. You’ve learned the hard way that it doesn’t get easier.
If you’re a Leaver — Why not share some grace with the Stayers . . . it’s the secret sauce to leaving well:
- Give them grace when they ask for your blender . . . again.
- Grace it up when they cancel dinner . . . again.
- Show some grace when they disconnect early and act detached, or irritated, or downright angry.
- Grace when they don’t come to your stuff sale.
- Grace when they try to haggle at your stuff sale.
- Grace when they want to spend every waking moment with you.
- Grace when they insist on awkward eye contact.
- Grace when they refuse to look you in the eye.
- Grace on those who want you to leave happy when you’re trying to leave well.
- Grace through the tears and the laughter and the sarcasm and the denial.
- Grace all over everything.
You’re leaving. Wait. Scratch that. WE are leaving. This is a big part of our story. It’s ok for that to be about us . . .
But it’s not ALL about us.
And P.S. — If you just realized that you have been selfish . . . give yourself a little grace too.
Are you leaving? Why not take some intentional time to wrestle through these 10 questions?
Getting left or know others impacted by the Expat Exodus? Please pass this on.
Got a thought, or a story, or another question to ponder? Post it below.
Sep 17, 2012 |
Wait — Click here if you haven’t read part one (of step 4) yet.
I had two hours and thirteen minutes to study 1500 possible questions that I hadn’t seen in 4 years for a 100 question test that I must answer 9 out of 10 correctly or I would completely waste 3500 RMB and 48 full hours of my life. My blood pressure was about 450 over 225 and my chances of success were slightly above zero.
However, chances of success if I didn’t try were exactly zero so I determined that if I was to fail I would fail in a blaze of glory. I mentally recalled every inspirational, underdog, 4th quarter, give me all you’ve got speech from every great sports movie I had ever seen. Hoosiers . . . Rudy . . . Rocky . . . The Bad News Bears . . . that hockey one with Kurt Russell. I can do this! I am a champion! When this day is over I will hold my head high, stare the system square in the eye and say, “nana nana boo boo!”
I ran like Forrest Gump to the nearest taxi and said, “Dead Chicken! take me to the closest net bar” (pretty common for foreigners to mispronounce “taxi driver” and say “dead chicken”). After some confusing deliberation we drove until we saw a roadside Wang Ba (internet cafe). Internet Cafe actually sounds so . . . how do you say it . . . not filthy. This one was the opposite of not filthy. It was a long, dingy, smoke filled room with about 50 PC’s lined up side by side on tables that stretched to the end of the room and back. There was one computer that was not occupied by a twenty three year old gamer. “I took it.”
The quest began. In my mind it would be a quick Google search to find all 1500 questions and start cramming information into my brain’s temporary file (which I hadn’t used since college). Not the case. After 38 precious minutes the only articles I had found were funny blogs about how ridiculous the test questions are. I already knew that but I was getting some great blog ideas. Not so much helpful.
1000 kilometers away Flight was searching too. She sent me the Chinese test which I copied and pasted into Google Translator. Just a quick word about translation. It is an art, not a science. Translated individual words all stuck together do NOT always equal translated sentences. No disrespect. Google Translator is a tremendously powerful, incredibly helpful tool but in my adrenaline fueled frenzy there was little time for English translations that still needed translating into better English.
For example – Here is one of the Chinese test questions, digitally Englishized . . .
“With fog horn can cause other attention; hear the other vehicles honking should be honking responded.”
To or Wrong?
Here’s another one . . .
“Driving at night, to avoid overtaking, where overtaking transform the car to indicate the distance light forward.”
To or Wrong?
With less than a hour left I finally found an English practice test. I was getting about 60% wrong. And then it was time to go.
Doomed.
There were at least 200 people in line to take the test ahead of me. The line came from the second floor, down an outdoor stairwell and wrapped around the parking lot. Thankfully it was only raining a little bit. I stood for about 45 minutes and finally made it to the bottom of the stairs when the guard at the top of the stairs noticed me and waved for me to come on up.
“You want the English test.”
“Uh. Yes.”
“You don’t have to wait in line. Go on in.”
Feeling like a complete idiot for standing needlessly in the rain for nearly an hour I went in and sat down among another 200 people. Turns out the outside line was just people waiting to come inside and wait some more. A lady turned around and said, “You want the English test?”
“Uh. Yes.”
“Go on up. You don’t have to wait.”
Now feeling like a complete jerk who gets to move to the front while all of these other poor, soaking wet souls wait for what could be days I spoke to the other guard.
“Um. I want the English test.”
“You want the English test?”
“Uh. Yes. I want the English test.”
“Ohhhh. You don’t have to wait. Go to that desk.”
I went to that desk and pushed my way through the crowd.
“You want the English test?”
“Yes. Yes I do.”
“Give me your papers.”
So I did.
Pause . . . and I kid you not . . . this happened.
“We don’t have an English test.”
“I’m sorry. What?”
“We don’t have an English test.”
There was a brief silent moment. Like the moment when Rocky gets blasted and falls face first to the floor. You know the moment I’m talking about don’t you? The crowd is jumping, the referee begins counting and you see Adrian screaming “GET UP! GET UP!” But it’s still silent. It’s the decision moment. Go against all of the odds and pull yourself up with your last remaining strength or stay down and give up. No one would blame you . . . but no one would make a movie about you either.
I got up.
“I’m sorry. What?”
He started speaking slower, louder and using sign language. “WEEE (pointing at himself and the other people at the desk) . . . DO NOOOT (waving both hands back and forth) . . . HAAAAVE (receiving motion) . . . AN EEEEENGLISH (pointing at my mouth and nodding condescendingly) . . . TEST.”
“Yes. Yes you do have an English test. I have taken the English test. Right here in this room four years ago! I took the English test! I KNOW YOU HAVE AN ENGLISH TEST! Seventeen people just asked me if I wanted to take the English test! YOU! YOU yourself asked me, ‘Do you want to take the ENGLISH TEST?! To which I replied, ‘YES!! YES PLEASE MAY I TAKE THE ENGLISH TEST?!!’ And NOW?!! NOW you tell me you don’t have an ENGLISH TEST?!! WHERE IS THE ENGLISH TEST?!!”
“We don’t have one.”
I called Flight. She spoke with them and explained to me that the English test is only for the first timers but since I was recovering a lost license there is no English test. My test would only be 50 questions which should have been wonderful news but evidently it was not common for English speakers to lose their licenses and so no provisions had been made for that.
“Can I just take the hundred question test?!”
“No. You must take the 50 question test. In Chinese.”
With absolutely no hope of success I planted myself (politely) and decided I wasn’t leaving until closing time. My reasoning was maybe they’ll get so frustrated they would buckle and just give me my license. Miniscule chance but still higher than me passing the Chinese test.
Several of the guards and other employees gathered together to discuss the problem of the foreigner who wouldn’t leave. They finally came to the agreement that if I had a translator they could take the test with me. I didn’t have a translator and even if I could find one there was no way for them to get there in time. Still no hope.
A young lady who had just finished her test asked me (in English) if everything was ok. The guard saw it as a golden opportunity.
He excitedly asked her, “You speak English?”
She said “yes.”
“Please, please help us get rid of this guy?” I’m paraphrasing
She agreed to translate the test for me.
We sat down at the computer with a webcam pointed at my nose . She translated the first question . . .
“Ok. This one says, um, ‘All drivers must obey all of the traffic rules.'”
Seriously? I started to click “Right.”
“NO NO NO NO!” She stopped me.
I looked at her.
“Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me! Look at the camera!”
I snapped back to attention afraid to move.
She scolded me. “It’s wrong . . . Policemen, firemen and ambulance drivers don’t have to obey.”
I was trying not to look at her but as my nose flared in disbelief I chose to take her word for it. She was right.
Like I said, translation is an art, not a science and even though her English far exceeded my Chinese it was quickly obvious that she was neither an artist nor a scientist. However, together, we missed two questions and that’s all I have to say about that.
I got my license back.
Every great triumph embodies an inspiring moral. Something that looks good on a poster like, “Believe in yourself and anything is possible” or “When you get pummeled to the ground always get back up.” However as I walked away from the DMV that day, too shell-shocked and humbled for “nana nana boo boo,” I felt there was a deeper, far more meaningful lesson that I had learned and learned well . . .
Never.
Ever.
No matter what.
Should you ever . . . ever . . .
. . . lose your license in China.
——-
If you missed the rest of the epic adventure click below to catch up:
Driving in China Step One: Insanity
Step Two
Step Three
Step Four – Part One
